A perennial problem, how to tell a friend who's last round of IVF failed that I'm pg.

[HeadFairy]

I haven't spoken to a friend for absolutely ages, I feel really bad because I know she had her last round of IVF in April, and I have a horrible feeling it won't have worked, she has very serious fertility problems, no tubes and badly scarred uterus from endometriosis. She was told that basically her only chance is surrogacy.

I'm now pg, but that's not why I want to contact her, it's been too long and it'll be nice to catch up on the news.... Do I just not say anything until I know for sure what's happened. Presumably if she had IVF in April and it did work her 12 week scan won't be until sometime this month so perhaps she hasn't said anything because of that, but I don't want to ask her outright in case she's too upset by it all.

I can't decide what to do... email her and tell her all my news just leaving out the fact that I'm pg (naturally she'll find out eventually) or email her and tell her and do I ask her about the IVF?

[spongebrainmaternitypants]

I agree with greenelephant - I think you have to handle this v carefully, otherwise she could think you're just emailing her to tell her you're pg, despite not supporting her through her IVF.

She will be devastated if it didn't work, and will be more devastated to hear your news.

Did you used to be v close?

[Ewe]

I think you should just email her something along the lines of...

Sorry it's been so long, would love to catch up, are you free for tea/coffee/cake sometime next week?

HeadFairy

You don't need to converse on email, just organise to meet up and go from there. Or phone her and talk to her, if she is a good friend you shouldn't be using email to communicate!

[spongebrainmaternitypants]

Please don't tell her you're pg face to face though . When friends did this to me I wanted to run away and scream and sob and cry. I actually much preferred to be told by email because I could scream in the privacy of my own home and then plaster on a smile on our next meeting.

However, don't tell her in your first email for some time - that would just look crass in the extreme.

[slackrunner]

Oh Headfairy I empathise. I've just found out that I'm pregnant, then this week I heard from a friend that she'd had an ectopic - I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was pregnant.

We waited for four years to TTC after dd1 as we were going through round after round of genetic testing with dd (she was born with a suspected chromosomal disorder) - I used to find it really quite hard when friends announced their pregnancies as I was desperate to TTC, but we were told not a good idea until we knew what we were dealing with. It is really hard, and I don't know what the answer is. I think ewe's catch up email is a good idea, and then just go with your gut instinct when you get there.

[fruitbowl]

As one who's "challenged" in the fertility department too I would agree that face to face could be a pretty awful way to tell her as she's bound to be upset but feel she shouldn't show it.

As for what you tell her and when I'd say it completely depends on how well you know her. I don't agree that it's bad to communicate via email. Infact you could always email her and be really honest about your dilemma and explain that you'd love to catch up but understand that it may be difficult for her. In whatever format it is said (email, phone etc) I think it shows that you are a good enough friend to be considering her feelings. It would also allow her to be upset in her own space if needs be before contacting you back.

You do what feels right for you.

Good luck xx

[fruitbowl]

congratulations on your pg by the way!

See, I wasn't so bitter there, was I?

[HeadFairy]

Thanks for all your replies...

greenelephant When I say we're really close, I mean that geographically we're a long way apart, and our usual contact was really every few months even before she started IVF, I haven't dropped her or anything like that.

spongebrain We were very close before, used to live together at University, but everyone has busy lives etc etc. To be honest contact was only really maintained because I called her every couple of months, if I left it she never managed to call me. I don't really mind, she's lovely but has a lot on her plate... got divorced, moved in with new chap, started new business, works silly long hours etc all in the past few years.

I take your point about not telling her face to face, not likely given the distance between us geographicall, however I thought if I didn't tell her in an email, but told her I was say six months gone in a later email she might know I'd avoided the subject.

She is terribly practical about her IVF experience, she's a pretty high up manager at a Women's hospital that deals with mostly fertility issues, and she knows the odss weren't in her favour. When I spoke to her last time just before her most recent IVF treatment she sounded really together, very practical and down to earth. Of course I'm sure she's tearing up inside, but she's so strong on the outside.

ewe can't really catch up over a coffee or anything, she's in Manchester I'm in London.

fruitbowl sorry to hear about your difficulties... I think you're right, I'll email her first, chatty, catch up kind of email, and then tell her later....

I do totally understand the problems, it took me a long time to get pg with ds, and I remember crying my heart out when a friend emailed me to tell me she was pg with her third. I've also had two nasty mcs (are they ever nice?) back to back before this pregnancy so I'm so ultra careful now because I'm so much more aware of the pain these things can cause. I used to hate everyone pregnant woman I saw.

Thanks for the great advice, I'm off to compose a nice light hearted chatty email.

[HeadFairy]

Oh phew! So I sent her a jaunty catch up email. She's on holiday and emailed back, hasn't started her third round of IVF yet, starts downregging in a couple of weeks when she gets back. I will tell her then I think. Thanks for the advice everyone.