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How do you explain the past?

(3 Posts)
Mole007 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:02:00

Last year, we had to terminate our pregnancy at 26 weeks due to significant chromosomal abnormalities, and problems with heart, lung and brain development. Our daughter was cremated, and we have a memorial tree planted in a local park.
We are now expecting again, and our baby is due in Sept. Naturally, we are both very excited, but a little nervous....do we mention our daughter in normal conversation, much as we do at the moment, or will this cause confusion for the new child? Do we leave it til later, or will this risk some sort of teenage strop, and having to justify what for us was the right decision?
Would be grateful for any advice.

CMOTdibbler Wed 01-Jul-09 12:13:54

I don't think it will be confusing at all. A lot of people refer to their lost children as 'angel babies', and I think thats pretty easy for children to think about.

Later you can explain more, but the simple explanation that their big sister was just too ill to be born like them, so she went to live with the angels will be enough for a long time.

MrsPee Wed 01-Jul-09 12:23:04

That must have been a very difficult thing to go through, and I can't give advice from any direct experience. But, I had an early miscarriage, before having our third child. The older two knew nothing about it but in their own way helped me get through it. We decided not to tell them about the baby we lost, but I wrote them a long letter, which is still in my pants draw, and some day I will give it to them. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I couldn't bear the possibility of seeing them go through the same heartbreak that I'd experienced. But saying that, young children can be very resilient and accepting. If you talk about your daughter regularly at the moment, then it would seem natural that you continue. You will probably find that you and your new baby regularly visit the memorial tree for his/her special sister, and the decision/time to explain, in age appropriate language, will come naturally.

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