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How to break pregnancy news to friends who are struggling to conceive?

(12 Posts)
e3chick Mon 29-Jun-09 11:45:15

I am now 13 weeks pregnant with twins. I have told noone, but will need to soon. However, I seem to have a very large proportion of people that I talk to either struggling to conceive their second, or having just had a miscarriage. Despite having had 2 m/c and had a difficult conception in the past, I want to get views on how to tell these people. I have talked to/emailed these people at some length about what they are going through, as I remember how awful those times were for me...but all the while I have felt like an awful hypocrite because I have been pregnant myself.

It occurred to me to let them know in an email as a way for them to hear the news but not have to act excited for me if they don't feel it. What note should I strike, in that case?

Does anyone have any guidance...my due date will be within a couple of days of one who has just m/c, and another has told me that she has avoided people who were pregnant, so I don't think I'm being over sensitive.

??

sifuentes Mon 29-Jun-09 12:11:27

I had this problem too. THe first thing to remember is that they will be happy for you. Expecially since you have had a difficult time yourself. However they will undoubtedly feel a bit gutted for themselves because it's not them.
After much deliberating I decided to opt for an email. This was because I thought at least that way they could have whatever reaction they needed to have without anyone looking at them if that makes sense.

It's still a tricky email to get right in tone. But the thing is as I said they will be happy and they will be gutted. There is no way you can avoid that. Mind you twins always get people excited.

Good luck and remember once it's done it's done.

Oh and huge congratulations. I am nearly 12 weeks havnig had an 11 week mc just before christmas, so I know what a long bloody slog it is xx

janbabe Mon 29-Jun-09 13:07:18

I have a friend who's baby was still born at 26 weeks with edwards syndrome last year and i will be twelve weeks just before the anniversary so was not sure what to do. I told her face to face last week so that it didn't end up coinciding with any memorial plans they were making but just asked her not to say to anyone else as my dd doesn't know yet.

As 'sifuentes' said she was very happy for me and my husband but obviously is still struggling with her loss, but it actually gave us another opportunity for her to open up about how she was still feeling.

It is really hard but i think it's best just to let them know. i think if i'd tried to protect my friend by not telling her till later or if she found out through someone else she would have found that even harder.

Congrats on your pregnancy and hope it all goes well however you decide to tell them.

herethereandeverywhere Mon 29-Jun-09 13:34:02

I had this issue when I announce my pregnancy.

I emailed my friend to let her know and was quite open about why I'd done it in writing "I wanted you to have time to deal with the news yourself. I remember what it was like when another person made their announcement and it wasn't me. I didn't want to put you on the spot to have to act delighted if really you feel p*ssed off and gutted. I'd love to cath up with you but please get in touch when you feel ready"

I wanted to spell out I was being as careful as I could be with her feelings in the circumstances - I think that's the key.

CMOTdibbler Mon 29-Jun-09 13:37:34

Do not email them to their work email, or if you know they will check it at work/public. I ran crying from my office after getting one that wasn't tactful.

I really appreciated the friend who called me at home, and tactfully told me, said she wanted me to know before other friends so I had a chance to get my head round it

FiveGoMadInDorset Mon 29-Jun-09 13:43:35

Personally, either by email, phone or face to face, do not let them heare from someone else.

SmilingEi Mon 29-Jun-09 13:48:58

hi,

i think that face to face would be the best way as that is how i would prefer to be told. i am struggling to concieve myself (22 cycles 3MCsad) and i have been given the happy news in numerous ways by friends. one friend decide to send me a text- not recommendedhmm i have been told via email, over the phone and face to face. i can say from experience that face to face shows that the news giver has thought about the reciever and is sensitive enough to deliver the news in a personal way.

congrats on your pregnancy and all the luck for the futuresmile
xx ei xx

Treats Mon 29-Jun-09 14:13:17

I had the exact same issue with my sister. We hadn't discussed it much but we both knew that we had each been trying for a long time, and although no diagnosed fertility problems or MCs, we were both getting very frustrated. When I found out that I was pg after 15 cycles, my first thought was how I would tell her. We'd already made a pact that we would tell each other first, before we told anyone else, so I stuck to that.

We took her out for lunch and chatted about a few other things, and then I finally plucked up the courage to tell her. We couldn't hide our pleasure obviously, but she reacted very well and congratulated us. But then the talk quickly moved on to other things and we didn't talk about the baby for the rest of the afternoon. I think if it hadn't been an issue for her, we probably would have chattered away about it, but she needed to deal with it in her own time and we were sensitive to that.

While she didn't express this at the time, I think she appreciated that we'd told her before even our parents (my worst nightmare was her hearing from our mother, who can never keep anything to herself!). The news would never have been welcome, but I think it helped that we had obviously taken her feelings into account.

This story has a happy ending though. A week later - just after I'd returned from telling my parents our happy news - she called and told me that she'd had a positive pregnancy test!! She's now expecting her first child three days after me.......

Sorry this is long, but just to say that you should get it over with, with as much consideration for their feelings as you can, and be prepared for them to not want to have a long conversation with you about it. Ultimately, they're not going to thank you for telling them, so just be happy in your own mind that you did it the best way you could. Good luck!!

MarshaBrady Mon 29-Jun-09 14:23:43

I phoned my friend, and found it more immediate than face to face (might be a while before I see her) and softer than an email (which personally I would hate to receive).

krugerparkrules Mon 29-Jun-09 14:31:20

I would send an email first, so that when you meet face to face, she will have dealt with the news and will be able to be happy for you. (Although MArshaBrady suggests phoning, so i guess you need to suss out what your friend would prefer)
Unfortunately when you are trying to conceive, and you hear of a pregnancy it just seems to remind you of your own failure/heartache, and then once you deal with that you get on with the good news for the other person. I used to hate being told face to face, as it took so much energy to be happy and enthuse over pregnancy and wishing i could cry!!! I prefereed being "told" by email etc first, and then when i met the person, i had somehow integrated the news and could show my real feelings of happiness for them, not the feelings of despair that were about myself not them!
And to anyone reading this thread please dont send scan photos en masse to people - these used ot leave me reeling!

I am sure that you are already thinking htis, will mean that you do this sensitively, and your friends will realise this and appreciate it as well. Congrats on your pregnancy!

e3chick Thu 02-Jul-09 14:05:56

Thanks to all who replied. I have started to tell these people first and have taken on board what you said, telling one person face to face and writing a draft email to someone else, (which I will re-read tonight to check the tone). Each method I think was more appropriate to the individual concerned an d how often we saw each other.
These are the two trickiest, the others will be fractionally easier I think.

Herethereandeverywhere, if you read this, thanks for your email suggestions, I did lift a little bit of that text for use in my draft email.

anniemac Thu 02-Jul-09 15:33:49

Message withdrawn

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