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Best age gaps - opinions please

(11 Posts)
stressyheady Fri 19-Jun-09 11:59:17

Hi,

I've been on another thread, having had a mmc and erpc last week. Am still recovering from that and head is full of mush at the moment but, between bouts of sobbing, one of the things that's really bugging me and I'd value any opinions on is age gaps.

My DS is 3, I desperately want DC#2 so that he's not an only one but, having had a serious battle with DH, only managed to convince him to start ttc again in Jan. Found out I was pg in May and although I though the age gap would still have been quite big the timing worked and I was ok with it.

Now am faced with the prospect of, even if I do get pg again soon (and seeing as PT is still showing +ive that's not looking likely at the mo) it's going to be at least a 4 yr age gap which makes it more like having two only children. DH doesn't think it's a big deal (he's an only child) but I would like my children to have something in common.

Am I stressing over nothing? Is there such a thing as too big an age gap? Would love to hear others experiences and benefit from your stories!

staylucky Fri 19-Jun-09 12:07:15

Hello love,

Not an expert but to share with you that my little girl is 5 and i'm 36 weeks pg now with a little boy. From a purely selfish point of view i'm so glad I waited as could not imagine being pregnant and having a toddler to look after.

My gal is very much an only at the minute but I don't think that she will still feel like an only once babba is here. There are seven years between me and my kid brother but we have always been really close. I expect that my gal will be much like I was with my bro, a little helper, a teacher and a friend.

Am sure there are lots of good reasons why a smaller age gap is useful but I don't think it's the end of the world.

For one I feel like a MUCH BETTER parent with 5 years experience under my belt

Am sure all will work out well x

twoplusone Fri 19-Jun-09 12:19:24

hi hun..
my DD is 12.5 yrs
DS1 5yrs (today)
DS2 is 2 next month
DC4 is due in feb

I did feel to begin with that DD would always be like an only child because of the age gap.. but she doesnt, and defo isnt.. She still fights for my attention withthe boys for hugs on the sofa.. TBh the hardest thing I find with the age gap is dfdoing family things amusement parks atc that suit all of them.. But what i do if we are doing something that DD will bebored of she goes to her friends for a sleep over.. And when we do things that she finds interesting the boys are ok as they generally run around like idiots. it is a pain when I have parent evening for DD as they are generally after 7pm and her school is 30-40 mins away!.

a 4 year age gap isnt that big really hun.. Sorry to here about your mc and good luck for the future.xxxxx

Hope this helps..

Oh the other little bit is DD will be a great help to you she will enjoy passing you the nappies, helping feed the baby.. playing on the floor with the baby.. the delight in DS1 face when DS2 gives him a hug and attempts his name is priceless.. xx

bumpsoon Fri 19-Jun-09 12:35:22

Well there will be 15 yrs between this bump and my oldest ds and 7 yrs between bump and dd ,i dont honestly think age gaps matter unless you are one of these super organised people who have their entire lives mapped out in front of them.

BabyBaby123 Fri 19-Jun-09 12:35:40

4-5 years is great ime. Not too big and much easier (and better for the kids imo)

M78 Fri 19-Jun-09 13:51:56

I am 26 wks pregnant and have a 7yrs DD. I am not worried at all about the age gap to de honest.There are 7 1/2 yrs between myself and my brother and I can't remember feeling an only child while I was growing up, I absolutely adored him and remember playing with him all the time. We are still incredibly close, he is one of my best friends and talk to him every day!

ihavenosecrets Fri 19-Jun-09 14:00:08

I was like an only child because my brothers ans sisters are much much older than me. My 2 nieces lived with us when I was growing up and we were like sisters. My nieces were 5.6 years younger and 7.6 years younger. It was great I felt like I had loads of one to one attention and loved feeling like the big sister and teaching my nieces how to do things.

cornflakegirl Fri 19-Jun-09 14:29:02

So sorry about your mc stressheady.

My situation is very similar to yours - reluctant DH, biggish prospective gap made bigger by mc. My DS just turned 4, and I'm 7 months pregnant. I'm not sure how the age gap is going to work either, but my current thoughts are: a) it might take longer before they can play together, but hopefully it will also be longer before they bicker, fight over the same toy and generally wind each other up; b) there's nothing I can do to make the age gap smaller, and I think I prefer the idea of siblings with a larger age gap to DS continuing as an only child (just a personal feeling, and one that I'm still not 100% sure about - possibly a bit late for that!).

Jas Fri 19-Jun-09 14:41:51

I have a 15 month gap between dds and 5.5 yrs between the younger dd and ds. TBH, ds and dd2 are much closer, despite the age gap than dd1 and 2.

I loved having time at home with ds while the girls were at school during the day, and it is lovely t see him so excited to see them when we go t get them (he is now 3)

I also find like twoplusone that it is getting hard t find things they all want to do, but again, dd1 and 2 are so different that it would be difficult with the small gap as well.

Good luck

PrettyCandles Fri 19-Jun-09 14:48:37

In terms of pg and early childhood, I found the 2y3m gap between dc1 and dc2 much easier to manage than the 3y10m gap between dc2 and dc3. With the first gap, dc1 was still in nappies, still a toddler having a big afternoon nap, and not restricted to a timetable - it didn't matter if we were late for nmursery, for example. With the second gap there were a lot more jealousy issues, difficulties getting the baby into a routine because I always had to lug him somewhere for the other children's sake, and of course you can't be late for school!

As for playing together, having something in common, I think that is as much to do wtih personality and upbringing as anything else: dc1 was exactly as interested and friendly with dc3 (6y younger than him) as he was with dc2. Even know, when they are 8, 6, and 2, dc3 is far more likely to play with dc1 than with dc2. Dc2 has always been the more jealous child - middle child syndrome really does exist sad.

Hope you feel better soon. One of the reasons for the uneven spread of my dcs is that I miscarried between dc2 and dc3.

stressyheady Fri 19-Jun-09 15:26:35

Thanks for your posts - it's reassuring to know that not everyone has the 18mnth / 2yr age gap which all my friends seem to think is perfect.

I guess what with stress of mc and DS's age plus DHs initial reluctance am starting to wonder at what point do I think I want another child as a sibling and at what point does it become selfish and just wanting one because I want another baby.

I'd hate to end up in a situation where DS was resentful of having had all that me time and then having to give it up to a sibling he doesn't have anything in common with.

There are so many logical reasons not to ttc again (money, size of house, mine and DH age etc) - which are all the things DH was worried about when he was adamant he didn't want more but the heart wants what it wants and I just can't get over the feeling that we won't be complete until #2.

So sorry to hear about your mcs cornflakegirl and prettycandles. Glad to hear all turning out ok for you though - gives me hope.

And, as some of you say, there's nothing I can do to make a potential age gap smaller. Guess I'm just feeling a little peeved thinking that if DH had come round sooner I'd be in a different position by now.

Argh...why does mother nature refuse to do what you want her to? (and men for that matter!!)angry!!

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