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Choosing not to have your partner at the birth

(9 Posts)
larlylou Mon 25-Apr-05 19:52:00

I am pregnant with my 2nd (due 11 July) and my dh just does not appear to have any interest with this pregnancy (although he is excellent and very hands-on once the babys arrived). He seems to think that I can and should carry on as normal (I also work 3 days a week and am due to start my mat leave 1 week before due date) - his attitude bugs the hell out of me and I try and remind him that I'm actually pregnant so get tired and am coping as best I can but I have given up now as it seems to be falling on totally deaf ears (he wasn't that interested first time round but definitely worse this time). The thing is, because of his attitude towards me and the pregnancy, it has really put me off having him at the this wrong of me? Has any other MN's been in a situation where they decided not to have their partner present?

ladymuck Mon 25-Apr-05 19:59:05

I have to say that these symptoms are not uncommon in second and subsequent pgs, though one cannot over-generalise. You are the mummy so you get to cope with everything. And I do remember that these last few months are the worst - carrying your 2nd child yet still looking after a toddler and working.

I'm not sure excluding him from the birth is the answer, though I am also one who does not believe that dh/ps are always the best choice of birth partner. You woud need to assess how this exclusion would be seen by your dh, especially as you will want him hands-on post birth. Is there a risk by being excluded fromt he birth he will feel that you're shutting him out, and therefore not be so hands on with #2?

I think that Vivki Iovine's "Best Friends Guide to PG/1st Year of Motherhood talks about this - you get "precious vessel" status for your first pg, and that one only.

Answering yuor final question, if I have another pg my dh will almost certaily not be present - he is useless in such circumstances, and provides little support for me, nor does he find it a benefit for him in terms of bonding. He will be looking after the dss, and I wil have a friend.

larlylou Mon 25-Apr-05 20:04:53

I understand what you're saying about the exclusion bit and, to be honest, I haven't approached the subject with him yet because I want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing but, like you, I didn't find him at all helpful during my first labour and has absolutely no idea what to do other than sit and read a newspaper!!! I feel that I would benefit more from him looking after my ds and joining me after the baby is born and I'm absolutely sure that by not being there is going to disrupt his bonding time.

18mumtobe Mon 25-Apr-05 22:46:07

hi larlylou

i know excatly how you feel at the moment, im 35+ wks pg with my first pregnancy. my partner also dosen't seem to be interested in the pg aswell. i think it may have something to do with the fact we are so young and the pg wasn't planned, we both wanted to have children but just not yet really. he gets really annoyed with me when im tired and not feeling like being loving with him coz im not feeling well. i suffered with morning sickness for first 5 1/2 mths and have had quite a bad pregnancy in total. but he seems to forget im even pregnant and that i should just be carrying on as normal even though i only have about 4 wks to go. im quite worried about what he is going to be like at the birth and when the baby is here, as i don't think he's at all ready to be a dad. he still thinks about himself to much but i guess thats alot down to his age. well sorry for going on about me.
i don't think its wrong of you to be thinking the way you are(as i sometimes feel the same) at the end of the day your the one that has to go through the birth so you need to do what is right for you, if you feel he will be no help and probley just make you tense with his attitude then maybe it would be best.
well hope you make the right decision and everything goes well.
take care xxx

Flossam Mon 25-Apr-05 22:51:18

I was worried about DP as he wasn't always the most supportive fella whilst I was pregnant. He tends to think I complain too much and actually told my step father that I'd hardly whinged at all! But it was enough to make me unsure that he would be sympathetic enough at the birth. I had visions of him saying 'stop all the noise and just push it out woman! God how much longer do we have to wait?' I got round it by having my mum with me too (she was delighted!). He was great actually, really worried and tentative, holding me up and even when I found myself about to bite his arm, and he desperately trailed behind me trying to put my tens back on, which by that stage I really didn't give a sh*t!! So perhaps he would be better? is there anyone else you could have too?

jjash Mon 25-Apr-05 23:12:51

My partner is a really great dad but wasnt with me for the birth of our son or daughter .It was my choice really .He has a chronic fear of hospitals [ from a bad experience when young] and i just figured i`d be worried about him too much when in labour .He stayed with me through it all at home but both my labours had my mum and best friend with me.
Sorry that you feel he`s uninterested but if you will get better support with someone else with you then go ahead .Like you say he can look after your ds .
My dp wasnt particularly interested in the whole pregnancy thing to be honest but once they were born he was fab.Do whats best for you .I loved my mum and mate being with me .

redsky Mon 25-Apr-05 23:41:27

I wish I had not insisted on my dh being present for both our babies' births. The first time he wasn't any help to me and he would much rather not have been there. Second time we went to NCT classes together but he didn't like that much. I suggested he didn't have to be with me for the birth but I think he felt obliged to do so as there wasn't really any one else I could ask. (I wish I had heard of doulas 12 years ago!) He was much more help to me second time but has never shown any emotion about either birth. At least I can't blame his 'aloofness' with the children on not being present at their births!

larlylou Tue 26-Apr-05 19:59:05

Such a decision eh. I don't want to stop him being at something that he really wants to be part of, if that's the case though then I wish he'd show more appreciation toward the pregnancy. He asked me last night what I was chatting about so I said 'not having you there at the birth' and it really hurt him...I felt quite lousy really as I don't know if I am really thinking logically and am taking it out on him more for not being so supportive now. When ds was born he turned into this most fantastic father...I can't fault him and his patience is something I'd love to have but I just wish that he be less inconsiderate right now. I still don't know what to do about the birth but one thing I do know, I definitely wouldn't want my Mum there....ohhhh yikes. I have a close friend who I would like to ask, maybe I should ask her anyway and they both be there, then I won't feel or notice as much that he isn't being much support. Oh, blah, blah...I just wish I wasn't so indecisive!!! 18mumtobe - I am sure once you have your baby you will find your partner to be very hands-on. Although I'm moaning, I do think that it is a general thing that men just don't get as involved in the pregnancy but once the baby arrives then its all hands to the deck and they shine. Don't worry too much about it, I am sure he will be a wonderful father.

milge Tue 26-Apr-05 20:11:56

hi, dh and i had agreed that he wouldn't be at the birth if i had a natural delivery, but would if i had a cs. We both felt that he wasn't the right person to help me through labour and i only wanted people who knew more than I did there. In the end had a CS, and even that was a little bit too much for him - quite trauamtised him, i think, although he'll never admit it. I controversially believe that childbirth is women's business, and I would definitely have an independent midwife/doula with me next time, natural or CS. DH can be in the pub waiting for news! Good luck in your choice

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