I feel so incredibly lonely as i sit here; like physical pain.
The man i love, my boyfriend of five years, walked out on me today, he said he needs to think, but that he isn't going to be a father whatever, he loves me more than anything but that life isn't a fairytale and 'i'll get over him' if he can't face up to fatherhood because i'm a strong person. Well yes, i know i can manage, but i don't want to throw away the life i planned with him! We were everything to each other. We had some ups and downs but no matter what happened we still came back together, and it was getting so much better. Our anniversay was wonderful. i can't explain how much i loved this man! And it always seemed he loved me the same...but he dwells on the past and keeps saying 'if we'd never met' or 'if i'd known this would happen i'd have broken up with you x time.' then he got upset and hugged me, it took him hours to leave but eventually he did, he said he just couldn't handle any more. I haven't said anything hurtful to him because i can't.
I only found out i was pregnant at 5 months, we were using two forms of contrapcetion, i thought it was impossible. I was dead set against abortion because i don't agree with it except in desperate circumstances...we disgree very much on whether this is a manageable situation or not, with me being a natural optimist and he a pessimist, but because he was totally in pieces and i wanted a future with him as we had planned (house and money first), i eventually went along for a late term abortion, even though i completely disagreed with it, and i told him, i'm doing this for you only if you'll support me after and only if you promise that if it doesn't happen for reasons beyond my control you'll stay with me and help me raise our child (or 'The Thing inside you' as he calls it.) And that he'd be there for the birth...but as soon as they told me that i was over the limit for an abortion he a. accused me of lying to him (fair enough i should have asked him there with me and i'm fool for not doing it, but i'm going to get my midwife notes to prove it), b. said that he never believed he'd have to live up to any of those promises.
I HATE being alone. My family are not really supportive because they say if i feel that strongly i should have had an abortion when i first found out, when it wasn't too late (and my boyfriend says the same). I suppose i have to accept that. And i live miles from them. My boyfriend and i don't need each other. I feel so lonely; my friends are like acquaintances and offer no relief, i can't relate to anyone except him really just because of the way i am, i am very family/home orientated...i keep talking to him, forgetting he's not here and i think i'm going crazy. I feel like i just want to die giving birth because i can't live with this, maybe because i have nothing to replace him with, i NEED to give affection not recieve it so much, and even though i'm still getting on with all my day to day functions fine, at night practical me gives way to emotional pain.
I really don't know what to do to distract myself or fill this hole; i mostly work from home this year which i have no choice about and i don't have the money for expensive hobbies. If the baby was here now maybe i would feel different because i would have no time to think, but there's still months to go and i'm about to be made homeless because i can't pay the rent alone.
I'm usually so calm; i'm the one who is there for him, and i don't know why i feel like this, and yes, he's a bastard for acting like this, but i have nothing to replace him and no one is going to want to date a pregnant woman or a single mother with a baby and no spare time. But i wouldn't want to hurt this baby, i think i love it already. Although i'm worried that it might have something wrong with it! It's femur length measures over a week older than it's head circumference, and the head diameter is dated earlier than the circumference! The technician didn't seem too concerned though.
Argh! I must sound very desperate but i just needed to reach out to some fellow humanity to remind myself i am not on a island.
Thank you
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How to deal with this pain? Abandoned pregnant woman feeling lonely...
51 replies
Serenwyn · 14/03/2009 20:15
OP posts:
dittany ·
14/03/2009 20:29
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