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How to deal with this pain? Abandoned pregnant woman feeling lonely...

(52 Posts)
Serenwyn Sat 14-Mar-09 20:15:37

I feel so incredibly lonely as i sit here; like physical pain.
The man i love, my boyfriend of five years, walked out on me today, he said he needs to think, but that he isn't going to be a father whatever, he loves me more than anything but that life isn't a fairytale and 'i'll get over him' if he can't face up to fatherhood because i'm a strong person. Well yes, i know i can manage, but i don't want to throw away the life i planned with him! We were everything to each other. We had some ups and downs but no matter what happened we still came back together, and it was getting so much better. Our anniversay was wonderful. i can't explain how much i loved this man! And it always seemed he loved me the same...but he dwells on the past and keeps saying 'if we'd never met' or 'if i'd known this would happen i'd have broken up with you x time.' then he got upset and hugged me, it took him hours to leave but eventually he did, he said he just couldn't handle any more. I haven't said anything hurtful to him because i can't.

I only found out i was pregnant at 5 months, we were using two forms of contrapcetion, i thought it was impossible. I was dead set against abortion because i don't agree with it except in desperate circumstances...we disgree very much on whether this is a manageable situation or not, with me being a natural optimist and he a pessimist, but because he was totally in pieces and i wanted a future with him as we had planned (house and money first), i eventually went along for a late term abortion, even though i completely disagreed with it, and i told him, i'm doing this for you only if you'll support me after and only if you promise that if it doesn't happen for reasons beyond my control you'll stay with me and help me raise our child (or 'The Thing inside you' as he calls it.) And that he'd be there for the birth...but as soon as they told me that i was over the limit for an abortion he a. accused me of lying to him (fair enough i should have asked him there with me and i'm fool for not doing it, but i'm going to get my midwife notes to prove it), b. said that he never believed he'd have to live up to any of those promises.

I HATE being alone. My family are not really supportive because they say if i feel that strongly i should have had an abortion when i first found out, when it wasn't too late (and my boyfriend says the same). I suppose i have to accept that. And i live miles from them. My boyfriend and i don't need each other. I feel so lonely; my friends are like acquaintances and offer no relief, i can't relate to anyone except him really just because of the way i am, i am very family/home orientated...i keep talking to him, forgetting he's not here and i think i'm going crazy. I feel like i just want to die giving birth because i can't live with this, maybe because i have nothing to replace him with, i NEED to give affection not recieve it so much, and even though i'm still getting on with all my day to day functions fine, at night practical me gives way to emotional pain.

I really don't know what to do to distract myself or fill this hole; i mostly work from home this year which i have no choice about and i don't have the money for expensive hobbies. If the baby was here now maybe i would feel different because i would have no time to think, but there's still months to go and i'm about to be made homeless because i can't pay the rent alone.

I'm usually so calm; i'm the one who is there for him, and i don't know why i feel like this, and yes, he's a bastard for acting like this, but i have nothing to replace him and no one is going to want to date a pregnant woman or a single mother with a baby and no spare time. But i wouldn't want to hurt this baby, i think i love it already. Although i'm worried that it might have something wrong with it! It's femur length measures over a week older than it's head circumference, and the head diameter is dated earlier than the circumference! The technician didn't seem too concerned though.

Argh! I must sound very desperate but i just needed to reach out to some fellow humanity to remind myself i am not on a island.

Thank you

Ewe Sat 14-Mar-09 20:23:31

Oh honey, you're not alone, Mumsnet is here! [huge hug]

FWIW my DP dumped me when I was pregnant and after the birth, it took a few months, he came round and we are back together and he is smitten with his daughter.

Even if he doesn't come round, you will have your gorgeous baby! Do you know if you are having a girl or boy? To be honest, once my baby arrived I stopped caring about whether or not he wanted me as all I wanted was my gorgeous little girl, everything else seemed so insignificant.

Where do you live? (roughly!) Perhaps some Mumsnetters can advise of local groups that may help you distract yourself?

smellen Sat 14-Mar-09 20:24:43

Have read your post. It sounds like you are in a dire situation at the moment, and especially at the end of the day when you are feeling tired you are less likely to feel able to cope with it all.

Stay strong for your little one. This is a difficult time for you, but things will get better. Perhaps your boyfriend will be able to accept the responsibility of fatherhood, or perhaps you will come to the conclusion that you are better off without him. It is hard enough to deal with the break up of a 5 year relationship, but when you are 5 months pregnant it must seem overwhelming.

Don't worry about whether someone will want to date a woman with a baby etc., that is months or even years away. Try to deal with your life one day at a time, and try to keep your mind and body healthy - lots of sleep, good food, fresh air. You say you need to give affection - soon you will hold your baby in your arms - and this little person will need all the affection and love you can give him/her. Hopefully this will heal some of the pain you're feeling now.

Your family sound, quite frankly, very cold. However, when they are presented with a grandchild, perhaps their tone might change. I would still try to keep in touch with them and get some help - they might surprise you.

Good luck.

JackBauer Sat 14-Mar-09 20:27:40

Oh dear, what a twunt your other half is. Just keep posting on here and you will see there is plenty of humanity on here.
I don't really have any constructive advice but I just wish you well, x

dittany Sat 14-Mar-09 20:29:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush Sat 14-Mar-09 20:36:01

What a twat to leave you like that - and having said the things he has said.

Don't blame yourself whatever. You will soon have someone in your life who will need you and love you unconditionally, and that will change things. And there are lots of Mnetters who didn't meet their OH until they already had one or more children. Don't imagine being single from now on.

I'm sure that if there were any worrying abnormal indications from your scan they would have told you and started more checks etc.

LackaDAISYcal Sat 14-Mar-09 20:40:37

oh sweets sad

i was in a similar situation, but found out that i was pregnant a week after my dp decided he didn't want to be part of us any more. he tried to pressurise me into an abortion but i wouldn't have it. we settled into an uneasy situation of not communicating for most of the pregnancy, but he got in touch to discuss finances later and was eventually there for the birth as he came to realise that no matter what was going on with us, this baby was still his child and his responsibility and he has been a wonderful father ever since.

I hope that your P comes to this conclusion himself, if not for you, then for the baby and also for himself as he will miss out if he is not involved.

As for being a single parent, yes it's hard, but not impossible. Your parents (and hopefully your P) will feel differently once the baby is actually here too i hope. I know my now H (we got back together when DS was 3) regrets everything he said in those early anguished weeks. His parents were less than supportive as well when i was pregnant, but were on my doorstep the day after i got home from hospital having made a 500 mile round trip just to visit for a few hours.

Hugs to you, and i hope that things resolve themselves with the least amount of heartache and stress.

i also realise that i'm lucky as not everyone gets a happy ending.

PlumBumMum Sat 14-Mar-09 20:43:27

sad for you
don't worry about the scan measurements this is common as its only for estimation of due date

Please enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, got to your antenatal classes you might make a good friend

You never know, your boyfriend could be in total shock most people have the guts of nine months to come to terms with becoming a parent, he might feel differently in time but you can't plan your life round that at the minute you need to concentrate on you and your baby

lisalollipop Sat 14-Mar-09 21:37:25

Whats going on with these men???

I'm so sorry that your P has done and is doing these things to you. Pregnancy is already an emotionally and physically up and down time without major relationship traumas happening too. Good for you for being a natural optimist, I hope that helps you through the pain.

I really don't know if there is something in the water affecting the male species right now! My DH of 9 years also walked out on New Year's Day leaving me and our DS (10 months) saying he can't cope with the whole baby thing. My HV (a good one!) says in the last couple of weeks she has seen several ladies either pregnant or with young babies who have had the same thing happen. Anyway, whatever it is, let's hope that something flicks that switch in their messed up heads and sends them back to us to be good Dads and partners.

In the mean time, we have to stay strong for ourselves and our LOs. We can do this, cos us girlies are tough.

Big hugs to you and your wee one smile

loooouise Sat 14-Mar-09 21:55:43

I am so, so, sorry for you, and can completely understand why you feel so utterly despondent. But please, try to remember, that although you feel alone, you are not alone. Your little one is growing inside you, and you are just months away from falling more in love with them than you have ever been with any partner, past or present. I do not say this lightly: I am six months pregnant and single, albeit in circumstances much much easier than yours (father is a close friend and supportive, but we're not in love and therefore not in a relationship). But I long for an intimate partner and have experienced long days and nights of terrible loneliness and also feel that no man will want to "take me on" as a single mother with a young baby.
Thoughts of my baby carry me through these times. I hope this can be the case for you too. Stay strong. However awful you feel right now will not be how you feel in six months' time. You will get through this.
Can you expand more on your housing situation? I am no lawyer, but maybe somebody else here can offer legal advice, as this really is a matter of urgency, that is going to demand a lot of your energy. What exactly is your situation?

BottySpottom Sat 14-Mar-09 22:09:27

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation to be in.

Don't think no-one will want you in the future. In my son's class at school alone, two Mums have just had their second children with new husbands having been jilted whilst pregnant with their first babies.

I am 100% sure you will feel so much better once your baby is here.

Take care.

Nekabu Sun 15-Mar-09 09:19:31

I cannot understand why all these men, who do not want to be a father, don't take steps to prevent it! It's a simple operation and if they can't get it on the NHS then it's cheap enough (certainly when compared to child care!) to have done privately. It is just NOT ON for them to happily shag away and then get all upset when the inevitable happens, especially if they then try to persuade someone who doesn't want a termination to have one.

Serenwyn, your P sounds an arse. If he does stop being one and sees sense, I wish you luck in forgiving him for what he has done to you at such a time.

You're not on an island, you have us lot here for starters! And you'll be surprised at how many other people you'll find will come forward with practical and emotional support for you.

lisalollipop Sun 15-Mar-09 19:30:50

Serenwyn, how are you doing today?

Hope it's been sunny in your part of the world. Always helps to cheer me up.


Serenwyn Sun 15-Mar-09 20:52:47

I'm doing even worse than ever :-( tried ringing the samaritans, not really helpful. My ex said he would ring me...but he hasn't. I feel, well, half dead really! He came by, got all his stuff, said that his family were behind him on this, said that he would never, ever be ready for a family. He said if i put it up for adoption, or if I try to get an abortion somehow, then he'll come back. He was very upset as he said it so i know he is telling the truth in that he wants to be with me. But he also blamed me for 'not acting quickly enough' to get an abortion - i only had a week to decide! I really don't believe there is any chance he will come back. But i know one day he'll be a brilliant father, when he's settled...and it won't be with me. Now i am in this empty flat with all the memories, with no family who care and no close friends...and he is snuggled up at home with HIS family. I feel evil thinking that i wish this child would just go away...but i can't do anything, i don't have the will to do anything about it.

MollieO Sun 15-Mar-09 21:03:04

It's his loss although I know it will take you some time to see it that way. My ex did something similar and, other than coming to register ds's birth, has had no part in his life (ds is nearly 5). If you'd said to me that I was going to be firstly a mother and secondly a single parent I'd have said you were mad. I can't say that its been easy but I've coped in a way I never thought I would. Ds was born prem and poorly and ex-p said that he hoped ds would die 'as that would be better for everyone'.

Ds is the most gorgeous lovable little boy whom everyone he knows adores. He has enriched and complicated my life in equal measure but there is never a day when I think about how grateful I am that he survived.

At the moment the feeling is too raw to think about this but you will get through this and you will enjoy the new life you have. Have you got any RL friends who can support you through this? Some of my best child friends I met through my NCT group (even though ds arrived too early for me to actually attend the classes!).

BottySpottom Sun 15-Mar-09 21:04:34

That's awful Serenwyn. Just hang in there ... once your baby is here, you WILL feel differently. I don't really want to say anything negative about him as you clearly still love him, but I just can't comprehend what he has done.

solidgoldbrass Sun 15-Mar-09 21:12:23

How very horrid for you. Do make sure you give his details to the CSA though and get him chased for child support: he is legally obliged to pay (and if he was that desperate never to be a father he should have had a vasectomy).
It might not seem like it now but things will get better. Your family will probably come round when the baby is born (almost everyone loves a new baby, somehow). Your XP's family may well want to offer support and friendship, whatever he himself thinks.
Please bear in mind that this silly man would have sooner or later dumped you when he didn't get his own way over something else. Yes, he'd have wept and wailed over his anguish, but he would still have dumped you because he didn't get his own way (whether it would have been you handing over your life savings or coaxing your best friend into joining you for a threesome) - fundamentally selfish people, which is what he sounds like, don't make for good longterm partners.

JackBauer Sun 15-Mar-09 21:57:58

Wise words from sgb.

Anifrangapani Sun 15-Mar-09 22:11:02

It is an awful feeling to feel unloved. It is temporary. Soon you will have a beautiful baby who will love you unconditionally.

As for your family sometimes they need to be asked - mine are like that. They felt as if they were interfearing. Now they realise I like as much help as they are willing to give.

Also when I was pregnant with my dd I felt I was unable to look after a child. I could barely look after myself let alone be responsible for another person. The thought scared me witless. If I had been planning a child I would never have had one. I now have 2. Even the most reticient parent can come round. He may change his mind when your child is born. I did with my dd. If he doesn't then he is the fundamentally selfish person that SGB described and the 2 of you are better off without him.

Serenwyn Mon 16-Mar-09 02:35:19

I rang him this evening. He says he is doing the best thing for our future by asking me to get a very late abortion, that he will be there to hold my hand and that we will do it 'right', he says he just can't do it the 'wrong way round' and that everyone agrees with him that one devoted parent is far superior to one devoted parent and one who is resentful (him). He said he fundamentally can't deal with a child. We do everything together, i don't even know how i can function on a day to day basis, i haven't eaten in days either because i'm a creature of habit and have no man to cook for. He said if i can't do the abortion we can still be friends and do things together...but then 20 minutes later he says its better to have a 'cnea break'. Am i taking the wrong approach here? I am a romantic fool, i guess love for other people really isn't like in the movies. He is broken hearted i can tell, but he says 'i'm a man and i close down to deal with things' so essentially, he plays with his bicycles and computer games and he forgets. I can't forget. I don't want her dismembered by some doctor...but i know he's swaying me. What do i do?

KristinaM Mon 16-Mar-09 03:25:27

I'm sorry to read about how unhappy you are and how mixed up you feel sad. yes mumsnetters will be here for you but its not the same as having someone in real life to talk to. please try the samaritans again if you are feeling bad, especially tonight. i think they also offer a face to face service as well by appointment, which might help too

please rememeber to eat as well - you dont need to cook if you don't want to, just have healthy snacks like cereal, fruit, bread and cheese or soup.

when you say that your ex is swaying you, do you mean that you are thinking of placing your baby for adoption? I think you probably know that you are too late now to get a termination if you are more than 22 weeks.

if you did place your baby for adoption , its quite a long process and you woudl have a number of meetings with your local social services. they woudl also want to meet your ex. they need to be sure that you have explored every other option and that you are sure about this decision. your baby woudl probably be placed with foster carers for some months before going to adoptive parenst. you woudl be encouraged to visit your baby and to consider some long term contact.

so its not a simple, quick or easy thing, legally or emotionally. many women later regret their decision. if i were i your shoes i woudl wonder " what if i give up my baby to get my ex back and he leaves me a few weeks/montsh later? "

I'm sorry sad

mizzidee Mon 16-Mar-09 04:24:10

sounds to me that wen/if u giv up the baby he will dump u anyway. This man is a arse-hole. If he loves u,he would not be so selfish in taking in ONLY what he wants. WHAT DO YOU WANT? HAS HE ASKED U THAT? HAS HE ASKED U HOW U FEEL? ...the quicker he walks the quicker ur life will gain respect & love. Relationships R NOT a ONE WAY STREET. I feel very sorry for you & basically u need to relise that running after MR LITTLE saying yes sir no sir is not the way to respect. i can understand ur love for him,but u must also understand that this man is taking ur love for granted. WISE UP & MOVE ON. Every person deserves respect. U r just being black mailed & he is taken u for a mug.

mizzidee Mon 16-Mar-09 04:36:44

How can having an obortion be doing u a favour? Is this man stupid or more importantly do u suffer from low self-esteem? a baby is not that expensive,its happened thats all ther is too it, tell him 2 get a grip, as the baby will be here very soon. ask him wot does he want u 2 tell his son/daughter wen it has grown up!! that his/her daddy wanted 2 obort u,bt becos i didnt giv in 2 his demands,he left me. Does it make him proud 2 know he's a COWARD. Get urself down 2 the social security to pay ur rent as u are pregnant. they will also giv u money 2 live on & pay bills. soon ur baby will be born,of which ur feelings wont be as emotional like they r now. love ur child & start 2 LOVE urself. men who like & love somebody dont care if theres a child involved. they take on the child becos the child is apart of the mother...simple as that & most men grow to love ther step kids as if they r there own.....xxxxxxxx

mizzidee Mon 16-Mar-09 04:46:11

him wanting an abortion is the first step to him not wanting to be with u long term. this is the first step of him realising u2 r not meant to be. of course he will hold ur hand,becos ur be doing wot hes telling u 2do & hee will be holding ur hand to make sure it gets done. May i ask how old u both are???? the reason i ask is becos u say his parents feel the same as him ..for wot reason? is he young? are u young? do they not believe in sex b4 marrage?.............?????????

JackBauer Mon 16-Mar-09 08:30:17

Oh serenwyn, I am so sorry. He is being such a selfish prick. I know you must still have feeligns for him but if he can do this now then there are no guarantees he won't do something similar even if you do put the baby up for adoption.
I don't think a late abortion is a possibility at your stage unless there are medical complications so adoption might be your only option but as KristanM says it is not an easy/simple thign to do.

Where are you? Do you have anyone you can talk this over with in RL? Try the Samaritans or even your GP or midwife, they could point you to someone who can help you through this.
What you need to think about is, if you do anything, will you resent your other half for makiing you do it and I think, from the tone of your posts, that even though you lvoe him, you will resent him.

You need to eat something, don't cook full meals if you aren't up to it but fruit/toast soup things like that will fill you up.

Take care and keep posting here, xx

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