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Help me please. Pregnant, scared and don't know what to do :(

(28 Posts)
paranoidmummy Wed 14-Jan-09 10:39:10


Can I please have some advice? I have one ds (5) and another ds of 9 months. Ds2 is profoundly deaf (a recessive genetic thing with no other probs attached but 1 in 4 chance of future babies having the same)and is currently being assessed for a cochlear implant. We are hoping he will be operated on around April/May this yr but will need lots of attention from me and SALT to get his language skills age appropriate.

I have also just had a big financial blow so having to return to work in 3 wks part time (ds2 will go to nursery). This is all very scary in its own right.We cannot afford for me not to work as far as I can see.

Now, here comes the big blow... I'd been feeling generally shitty and my periods have been pretty random since stopping breastfeeding in nov. We have used condoms RELIGOUSLY so I thought I'd take a preg test yesterday just to put my mind at rest... you can guess the result . I don't know what to do... I always wanted another child but we are struggling financially and ds2 will need so much attention over the coming year . I can't speak to anyone in RL about it cos we don't want people knowing especially if I have no choice but to end the preg . I'm so sad, I don't know how this happened, we've been SO careful. Part of me feels its happened for a reason but the rational part of me knows this is really bad timing.

Please can someone make this decision for me ;). Or send me a million pounds. No, really, I just need someone whose not involved to give their opinion, I'm a wreck

Thank you xXx

mrsdisorganised Wed 14-Jan-09 10:47:11

I don't really know what to say.....but if you wanted another baby eventually I feel that you will get through this and it was meant to be, simple for me to say I know and realise from your post that it couldn't have happened at a worse're stronger than you think. Keep brave and you will get support from other MN'ers too, thy're fantastic for that!! smile

theboob Wed 14-Jan-09 10:47:21

only you can make this decision,you will know deep down what the best thing is smile

mrsdisorganised Wed 14-Jan-09 10:47:53

bump for someone who may have been in this situation.

(((((hugs too)))))

youknownothingofthecrunch Wed 14-Jan-09 10:47:55

I think you need to try to be as objective as possible (easy to say).

I don't think there is ever a "good" time to have more babies (only my opinion). There will always be a reason not to - money, other dcs at difficult stage/starting school/something else. Obviously you have a lot more on your plate than the average mum, but this will pass.

If you take all those (very real and important) practical things out of the equation would you be happy to be pregnant? From your post I would guess that's a yes.

Of course you need to work out practical solutions to the very real issues you are facing, but they are not insurmountable. If ds2 is only going to be just over 1 when the operation takes place, then you do have time to gently let him adjust and learn speech - even with a new baby. It would be really hard, but not impossible.

Finances? Difficult as it's so individual, but you won't need new stuff so that's one thing, then you can think about when it would be feasible to get back to work, or what you can reduce to meet the need.

I know I'm putting this all really simplistically, and it will be bloody hard, but I think it comes down to "Do you want this baby?" - don't let external factors choose for you.

Hope that makes some sense.

theboob Wed 14-Jan-09 10:51:33

youknownothingofthecrunch you have said it perfectlygrin

CarGirl Wed 14-Jan-09 10:57:51

your ds will be having his implant at a young age so really it should be okay and he will probably get more language attention from you if you're home with a new baby?

mrsdisorganised Wed 14-Jan-09 11:01:59

Second that theboob, at least someone can get to the point!! I'm hopeless, but here to offer support.x

mrsboogie Wed 14-Jan-09 11:50:38

have you looked at whether you are entitled to any benefits in view of your child's deafness?

beautifulgirls Wed 14-Jan-09 12:16:13

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation right now. Financially I don't think I can offer you much advice I'm afraid, but re your DS2 and your concerns with his needs I would say don't be. You will work through this with him and in many ways it will be nice for him to have a younger sibling to take the pressure off him. My DD#1 has some moderate to severe speech issues and DD#2 was born when she was just 17 months old. We have worked well with speech therapists and the ENT for her and whilst she still does need one on one time for therapy practice etc she is young and can not take too much pressure at any one time. Her younger sister takes the pressure off her, joining in the "games" we make for all the sounds etc.
Best of luck with your choices - you may find after a few more days of getting used to the idea that things do not seem quite as scarey as you first thought whichever way you choose to go.

xxhunnyxx Wed 14-Jan-09 12:59:00

The decision has to be yours and your DP's.
I've had a termination once and it affect me very badly and it took me a long time to forgive myself so for that reason I would say it would really have to be a last resort.
However, the difference is that I was pushed in to it by my ex, it wasn't MY decision. If you decided that it was for the best and were sure about it then it may not affect you in the same way. But if you were not 100% certain I would advise against it.

As far as the problems relating to DS and your finances are concerned, well it's quite difficult to advise. You would manage, you would have to so you'd find a way. But it's a case of do you want to struggle any more than you are already?

But like beautifulgirls said, things might not seem quite so scary once you've had time to get used to the idea.

paranoidmummy Thu 15-Jan-09 10:31:14

Wow everybody. Thanks for all the advice. I'm giving myself a few days to adjust. My dh has been wonderful but has basically told me that I have to be the one to make the final decision because its my body etc. Easier said than done!!! I also feel really bad cos my boss bent over backwards to take me back on and I feel this would be a real kick in the teeth from me!!!

It makes me so sad that I feel like this . When I was ttc ds2 I had 2 miscarriages and remember feeling I would do anything for a baby. I remember reading posts where women had got preg by accident much like this and feeling so envious. Poetic justice maybe

My dh said to me last night 'how would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and u were miscarrying?' I couldn't answer i don't know if i would be devastated or relieved how awful does that make me sound?

I'm just very confused at the moment, oh dear!

TheShipsCat Thu 15-Jan-09 10:47:26

HI PM - sorry to hear you are having such a tough time of it. What a difficult choice. But FWIW I agree with those others who have said that external factors are possible less important than whether you want another baby or not. You will manage, although it will be hard.
Is it worth asking on the SN thread, people who have experience in helping their children with language etc?
Haven't seen you on the PN thread for a bit, do come back! Good luck

paranoidmummy Thu 15-Jan-09 11:03:18

Thanks TSC I haven't forgotten about you all and I do stalk the thread at times! We've had so much going on with ds2 I keep being afraid I'll bring the thread down!!! I am actually not upset about ds2's hearing anymore as we had so many other scares when he was first diagnosed the hearing doesn't seem so bad anymore! Plus, hopefully they can implant so we can help him develop normal speech etc.

Now I've just gone and got myself all knocked up again! I will def post in special needs How are you and your little one?

scorpio1 Thu 15-Jan-09 11:05:14

Hi paranoidmummy We would love to have you chat with us - dont be a sausage!

I think if you always wanted another, then you may regret not having this baby. I have been through years of SALT with ds2.

Soph73 Thu 15-Jan-09 11:06:43

Hi PM - just here to say I'm thinking of you. You'll make the right decision for you and your family in the end. Try not to worry too much (easier said than done I know) and, like TSC said, do come back to the PN thread.

Clarissimo Thu 15-Jan-09 12:03:07

Hi PM, we are on the same postnatal thread (I am Peachy).

Where do I satrt?

Well not by telling you it would be easy, because I don't know that. But maybe by sharing my history perhaps? It mioght reassure or might terrify- either way it'll clarigy!

DS1 and ds3 have autism, we have been told it's pretty definitely genetic and that teh chances of Sebastian are about *)% that he'll have some signs (he doesn't as yet.... my take on that is he will, or he won't- who knows?).

DS3 has poor language skills- weeklys alt, 3-4 years behind at 5.5. Sos everely delayed.

On that front the only advice I can give you is that when yu are PG its the stats that matter: the chances of X and Y and Z. The minute you hold your baby though that vanishes- its your baby that matters. He's not a statistic or a maths quiz: he's your baby (well i suppose cold bea she LOL but never ime wink). Mummy-ness kicks in and you coe and that's it, really.

On teh other stuff- ds1 was 5 months when I conceived ds2, it was deliberate in that I'd been ill with ds1 and we'd beena dvised to haev them close in case same thing ahppened again (it didnt), but we hadnt expected it to happen quite so quickly LOL!.

Having 2 young is a bit shock and a bit grin. The closeness is something to really value and you get used to it- you learn little tricks and once they are older they always have a playmate which helps.

And the money- 9 months is a long time. When we conceived ds3 we erned quite a lot; 2 weeks before he was botrn dh lost his job. It was tough but there is financial help out there and having an entire preganncy to lpan (can I suggest CAB fr advice if you need it ) is a great thing.

You nw where I am if I can help but hugs and beleive in yourself.

ElizabethanFilth Thu 15-Jan-09 12:14:03

Oh PM (It's VictorianSqualor here).
I really wish I could make the decision for yousad

Firstly, finances, could you not work nights? or evenings? therefore not having childcare costs and not having to work as much?

If finances weren't a problem would you have this baby?

Could you ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor who deals with terminations so they can help you decide? I'm sure there are many, many women that have this tough decision to make that seek some kind of professional help.

paranoidmummy Thu 15-Jan-09 13:46:43

Thank you so much everybody. I feel so selfish for being like this, I know there are people desperate in the world for babies and here I am complaining. I have spoken with dh about having the baby and putting it up for adoption. He doesn't think either us would be able to go through it, which I have to say I kind of agree.

In terms of would I have this baby if it wasn't for financial constraints the answer is yes in a shot. I wouldn't think twice. However, I would have a cvs at 10 weeks to check for the deafness gene. Becasue of the closeness in age I don't feel I would be able to go through it all again so soon after ds2 has been (hopefully) implanted. I don't know if I could give either child the attention he (or she i suppose!) would need with their disability and salt with two so young. However...I totally agree with you Clarissimo in the fact it is only a worry in the pregnancy. Since having ds2 I never think about his deafness (other than when I get annoyed at him for blatantly ignoring me and then remember that he can't hear me blush) He is my little boy and that is all that matters... if it was a year or 2 down the line and I was pregnant then I wouldn't even opt for the cvs. So, you see, I then worry that I will continue with the preg but then find out the baby is deaf at 10 wks and be faced with the dilemma again. Not to mention the risk of miscarriage with the cvs to start with.

Oh, I don't know!!! Maybe I just think too much. I was 19 when I became preg with ds1, my partner left me immediately and I was halfway through my degree. REALLY bad timing but I never ever considered a termination. I just knew things would be alright. For some reason I don't feel like that this time and I don't know why . We are just struggling so much financially that I don't know how we would cope. I will definitely contact citizens advice though, thank you.

I have looked into working shifts - nights and stuff but work here has really dried up . None of the local supermarkets are even taing on. My boss has been fab about taking me back on part time at work but I think he would tell me to shove it if he knew I was pregnant again... can't really blame him!!!

I will contact my gp and speak to an abortion counsellor . I just wish I could be happy about this baby, I feel so terrible that I'm not . I could really do with a few beers but that's not even allowed!!

Thank you everybody, really really thank you. Especially you April ladies, it means so much that you still remember me after all this time. I don't know how I'd be coping at the moment if I had noone else to vent to!

catrin Thu 15-Jan-09 13:58:40

No real advice as such...
My dd is 3.2 and is profoundly Deaf. When we found out we were so shocked, we'd never even met a Deaf person before her.
Now 3 years on, I can say she is the most wonderful, funny, gorgeous, noisy, imaginative, creative busy child and I adore her. And she just happens to be Deaf. There comes a point when the deafness is not what defines your child, it is just a bit of who they are.
Deaf isn't harder than other stuff, it's just different. The extra stuff you need to do you'll fit in. You will just be very good at juggling

Clarissimo Thu 15-Jan-09 14:25:41

Um if youre worried abut the beers what does that tell you?

And if youre really thinking a termination then have the beers fgs!

there are many reasons to not continue with a pg but IME money isnt ne. With a tiny baby we lost our home and everything; still don't regret it.

look on entitledto ebsite but put in details as if you have the baby. does dc2 get DLA? If they do at middle or higher rate then you will get a surestart grant automatically, that's £500.

Second time dx / treatment is that much easier as the meds know what theya re looking at, you know what the child needs and who to spak to- it really isn't like a repeat performance, I promise!

TheShipsCat Thu 15-Jan-09 15:00:16

"I just wish I could be happy about this baby, I feel so terrible that I'm not"

FWIW, I felt like this through both my (unplanned) pregnancies, from beginning to end -but as Clarissimo said, once the babies were born, I felt completely different.

Denny185 Thu 15-Jan-09 22:19:49

Hi PM, sorry your going through this, such a tough one and u and Dh will come to the right conclusion for you and the situation u r in. I hope you manage to get some good professional advice.

DD2 was unplanned and concieved when DS was 10 months and I remember having the same feelings. Now she's 9 months life is tough but I couldnt imagine it without her (or the other 2)

paranoidmummy Fri 16-Jan-09 10:33:53

Hey everyone,

Thanks again for all your messages, without being mean its nice to know other people have't been sure at first. Makes me feel less like satan mummy!!

Well.. I've been thinking about it lots and I just don't think I can terminate. I'm about 80% sure I want this baby. I took another test this morning just to be sure and when I saw the line I got a big jump of excitement in my tummy (surely that's a sign I'm happy??). I still need to discuss further with dh but we ascertained last night that my niggest worry was how my boss will react. Dh went crazy and said I am not terminating our child on the basis of my boss getting grumpy with me! blush

We'll see, I think I need a few more days to be sure but with every day that passes I feel more and more like this is what I want. Will still prob go for the cvs at 10 -12 weeks but I can cross that bridge when I come to it . Oh god, it really looks like I'm going to do this shock

youknownothingofthecrunch Fri 16-Jan-09 10:38:50

smile I'm so pleased for you.

Every bit of your first post seemed to scream "I want this baby really", but wanting a baby and the practicalities of it aren't always harmonious grin

Good on your dh! Quite right too. And you certainly don't do it on the assumption that your boss might get annoyed (even if it's a 99% probability people can always surprise you).

Congratulations! You have nothing to beat yourself up for anyway - we all react in different ways and this was a very big shock for both of you.

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