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I'm grown up, but scared of telling my mum

(14 Posts)
Hawkmoth Tue 06-Jan-09 12:27:04

I'm 8 weeks PG, 27 and terrified of telling my parents! I have a 3yo, who I had totally alone and they helped a lot with her. Been with DP since May last year, and we're thrilled tho were not TTC.

I'm so terrified of telling my mum. Last time she went mental at me. Tried to force me into having an abortion, got her friends to encourage me to terminate and advised me to drink a bottle of gin and take a really hot bath. It was horrible.

Of course she was such a support to me during a really horrid pregnancy with SPD then having to spend three days in hospital with jaundiced baby at a time when I couldn't even sit in a chair!!! She dotes on DS now, and that's half the problem... I just know she will think that I'll neglect her when the baby comes.

She's so anti-baby. This year DS got a new doll for Xmas and kept going on about getting a 'new baby'. My mum actually said that it made her blood run cold to hear that, which really upset me.

Any ideas for telling her would be gratefully received. I'm not sure whether or not to wait until after the scan but she'll probably guess by then anyway.

Mamazon Tue 06-Jan-09 12:28:36

just make sure you sound really up beat and happy about the news.
make sure yoru Dp is there too and make it a celebration.

make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that this is a good thing and that your happy.

bigTillyMint Tue 06-Jan-09 12:30:25

Congratulations!

Why would a baby make her blood run cold? Was she thinking about how she'd feel if she was pregnant?
Does she expect you to have only one child?

VinegarTits Tue 06-Jan-09 12:32:08

Tell her you have some really really bad news to tell her, let her stew and worry about it for a coupld of hours, then when you break it to her she will be relieved

Seriously though, how awful for you to not be able to count on her support

Agree with mamazon, and if she cant be happy for you then it is her loss, she will miss out on being able to have a new gc to look forward to

cazboldy Tue 06-Jan-09 12:33:57

I really feel for you

I have been in that situation - 5 times

not with any of my pregnancies has she ever said "Congratulations"

To be fair I was only 14 with the first one, so did not expect her to be thrilled, but did not expect her to try and make me have an abortion either!

I don't ask her for help, and of course she now loves all of the dc's and they love her back, but deep down I know she didn't want me to have them sad

anyway Congratulations, and Good luck x smile

rainbowdays Tue 06-Jan-09 23:52:05

It is sad that people act this way. My suggestion is : Don't tell her - wait til it is obvious and let her ask. If she desperately hopes that you will not be having another baby, then she will take her time about asking. That gives you less time to hear her comments after she does eventually know. Also when she does ask you can just confirm her suspisions with a yes, and leave it at that, not invite further comment, and just be ready to change the subject as if you don't want to talk about it. (unless of course a miracle takes place and she is happy for you!)

I am going to take this action with my MIL (who lives in the same road as us), if I ever get pg again. I suffered my MIL;s negativity 4 times (3 pg's and one m/c), and will not be letting her know next time. She will have to come and ask me! My MIL gets to start liking my children when they get to about a year old generally!

I hope whatever you decide, that you are able to let the negativity go passed you and that you are able to enjoy your pregnancy regardless.

frumpygrumpy Wed 07-Jan-09 00:08:13

I think she is hideously selfish. Why should she make you feel like this? What about YOU!!!

Personally I am delighted for you all and wish you a happy and healthy time x.

I'd be inclined to write her a short letter telling her the news and say you felt too awful to tell her to her face because she makes you feel guilty. Explain you won't feel guilty because you are happy and have a happy family!

bellabelly Wed 07-Jan-09 00:24:40

I actually think that she is talking about a theoretical pregnancy and baby and might feel quite differently when confronted with a real one. You might be pleasantly surprised by her real-life reaction, despite these rather upsetting comments. Hope so anyway.

Joolyjoolyjoo Wed 07-Jan-09 00:33:55

I would say that as long as YOU have got your head around it, you should be able to calmly deflect any negativity on her part. I found out my while we were "dating" that my DH had a dd, which rocked me a fair bit. I waited until I was comfortable with the situation before telling my mum (who I knew would disapprove). it meant that for every "But what will happen when..." she came out with, I had an answer, and I felt strong enough to face up to her disapproval.

Fwiw, when I told MIL I was pregnant with no2 (married, in nice stable circumstances), she still said "Oh no! Oh well, worse things happen!" Which made me laugh! Now dd2 (and now ds!) are here, she adores them! Your mum will probably be fine- it may just be that is a pessimistic kind of person who sees all the problems and needs the bonuses pointed out to her! Good luck!

jalopy Wed 07-Jan-09 07:33:51

She sounds toxic.

You're 27, fgs.

This is your life, not hers. Don't let her control you.

2k9kids Wed 07-Jan-09 07:58:06

I expect that when she says she feels cold at the thought of a baby what she means is she feels cold at the thought of all the upset and stress and worry you both went through when you were expecting your first baby iyswim. Thats all she has to go on.
Give her the benefit of the doubt and when you are feeling strong and happy tell her with a big smile on your face and all your happiness showing in your voice.
If you let your nervousness of telling her show through then she will think you are nervous of having the baby and will worry straight away so think positive and BIG GRIN when you tell her!
Maybe even try to pre-empt her worries before she can say anything?
'Mum I've got some fantastic news! Guess what? I'm expecting a baby! We are all so excited and happy! It will be so much easier this time now I am settled and you will be able to enjoy the baby stage this time without worrying about me!' BIG SMILE!

Good Luck!

LoveActually Wed 07-Jan-09 09:34:05

Being positive sounds the way to go. Is she good with your son? My mum was really anti my sister having a second baby but that was because she felt my sister's husband was really unsupportive and jealous of DD1 (she turned out to be right about him and they seperated last year). Saying all that her two granddaughters are everything to her and she's also embraced my pregnancy more than I thought she would. Copngratulations by the wayx

ThePregnantHedgeWitch Wed 07-Jan-09 10:04:20

Message withdrawn

Hawkmoth Wed 07-Jan-09 14:16:01

Thanks all for your support.

I think I might just let her guess and then she'll be the one asking and I can be in control with POSITIVE answers to everything she is coming up with.

Like this morning, DD saw me collecting a urine sample (nice) and is sure to mention 'mummy putting wee in a bottle' to her Gran. I've also got a book for DD about babies that my mother will see.

I think when the penny drops she will confront me and I'll just say how happy we all are, but we were waiting to get a picture before we told everyone!

BTW, DPs parents will go mad too - fusspots who don't like surprises! I'm planning to tell them by turning up with a knitting pattern - something practical they can do to help!

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