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pg with #2 worried wont feel the same(8 Posts)
im 11 weeks pg with my second and until now its only been me and ds1, he'l be almost 4 when baby born. oh and i separated b4 he was born and only just got back 2gether in aug. im just worried that i wont feel the same for this new baby as i do for ds1. for sooo long he has been my wee sidekick and we are sooo close, im just freakin out at the minute that i wont allow the new baby to be that close for fear it will take his place, i dont want to lose what we have and i cant talk to Oh as he gets angry that im feelin this way, he cant understand my fears as he has been absent from my sons life throughout, he is jealous of the close relationship we have and just keeps saying, oh well. i'll love the new baby you can keep ds1. it really scares me that i wont bond with it in the same way. has anyone else ever felt like this, how do i get past it??
helen 11 wks
I felt like that with my second child - but it does work out. It's scary and you will feel guilty that you are losing your exclusive relationship but DS is now three months and his big sister adores him and thinks he's the best toy we've ever got her
BTW it did take me longer to bond with him - probably a week or so whereas with DD there was an immediate love there -but that was largely I think, because I was more knackered with DS than with DD!
you will. many many people (myself included) felt this way with no 2. Your capacity for love grows
Everyone feels like this! Tis totally normal - and totally wrong! You think that the love you have is like a pie, and when the new baby comes, you have to take a slice out of that pie, and take it away from your ds and give it to the new baby. But no! Instead, when another child is born, it's like someone hands you a brand new pie! Also, you don't just have a relationship between you and ds, and another relationship between you and the new baby, you also have two new relationships, that of your children to each other, which is so amazing. They may (ok, will) fight (though given the age gap it's less likely to be jealousy) but they will love each other and feel a huge loyalty to each other that will blow you away. I am sorry ou are having difficulties in your relationship with your partner. Have you thought about counselling?
im not sure he would go for counselling, everything else is going well and i knew when i raised this with him that he wouldnt fully understand, its just that he never had what me and ds have and it annoys him, ds is taking some time getting used to having him around and still insists that i do those special things like bathtime, bedtime, stories and changing him, it is hard for OH but i have explained that ds will take time to build up a trust with him, he just expects that because he is biologically his dad that the bond should automaticaly be there. i think his response to my fears is an expression of his frustration. i know he wont really feel like this but i just cant talk to him about untill he's feeling a bit more secure with DS. OH is navy aswell which means he's rarely home, its just going to be a long time solving it. i just hate the thought that i wont be able to love #2 as much as ds, i cant imagine it at the minute, to me he is the most important thing that ever could exist and i can only imagine that anyone else will only take 2nd place to him, that feels awful to say but its how i feel.
mabanana - that is such a great analogy, thank you!\I am feeling a little like this, though it is lessening as pg progresses (28we now).
Now we've seen him, and know he is a him, and he 'has' a tentative name, it's so much more real, and I am staring to bond. Early days of pg were very scary- couldn't stop feeling guilty for what I was doing to DD (family ishoos for me- I was oldest of 4, and always wanted to be an only child ).
Can't help with OH I'm afraid- DH was more keen on No2 than I was, and he is looking forward to having children so much.
It is really normal to feel guilty about what what you are 'doing to' your first child as before you have another child you can't really understand the true positives, and you think you are being mean to your first, as you think in terms of that pie, and taking a slice away from him. But remember you now have a whole new pie yourself and not only that, your kids get a whole pie of love for each other.
I think that is what has helped tbh- DD is Sooooo excited and looking forward to DS' arrival
Of course, the reality will not be quite how a toddler imagines it but she is very positive about him joining our family.
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