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have a 3yr old, have never really wanted another, thought I "ought to", now have a +ive result and feeling really sick....

(21 Posts)
Jackaroo Tue 14-Oct-08 05:26:24

and not from being pg.......

please someone tell me that I'll get over it! Anyone else feel real fear at being pg (second time or more) and it was all OK in the end?

Shoudl I be posting this somewhere else?? Not worried about being pg. or delivery, just coping with more people in the family/ house........ which probably sounds cr*p. Any wise words?

Cheers

nuclear Tue 14-Oct-08 06:21:11

Hi

Yes I felt true fear around 2 months ago (I am 38 weeks now)

I more feared the birth than anything else though (as I knew I always wanted 2).

Either I am being scarily naive or it just hasn't hit me yet but I have not been that worried with the thought of having more than one.

From what I have heard/seen though people cope beautifully with 2 ... I'll hunt you out in a month or so and let you know the reality !!! grin

My philosophy is you have done it before and you have learnt most things already so the second won't be such a transition.

Try not to worry ... your mind is adjusting to a big change and the thing with 2nd time pregnancies is you know what is coming and I think that makes you worry more.

Jackaroo Tue 14-Oct-08 09:13:45

lol you may be right - the reality of the first has been extremely had (raving PND, all sorts of bad things have happened - not related to pnd though ?!)........

It probably is a bit different though - knowing that you don't think you want another.. plus the only other person I know how has had PND as badly (as far as I know) as I have, ended up in a psych ward after her second... difficult to ignore that, even though I know we;re different people...

maybe I'll try a different board.......?

zazen Tue 14-Oct-08 09:20:24

Jackaroo - I just wanted to say good luck and to you also nuclear.

i have only one DD, so I kindof know where you are coming from.

All the mummies I know who had more than one had this anxiety with every subsequent pg. For some it was the birth, some it was the first 6 weeks and for some it was issues they had with their own silbings that came into play.

If you voice your concerns to your midwives / consultants, you will be looked after.
I have to say i also had extreme anxiety with my DD (PTSD) and found my midwife and the psychiatric services offered by the hospital a little lacking, but I wasn't assertive enough about what i needed, and I was also a lot more 'independent' (ie stupidly brave (in denial)) than I would be with a second.

Good luck!

Jackaroo Tue 14-Oct-08 10:49:12

That's really helpful, thank you both of you. I was hesitant to post here as everyone seems to be pretty much champing at the bit to get on with it (the right reaction!), and I wasn't sure if anyone would want an ungrateful wretch posting about this, your answers make me feel less of a witch...

thanks again

J

jasperc163 Tue 14-Oct-08 13:10:21

J,
This has just happened to me (DD nearly 3) - i'm now 15+ weeks and only just coming round to it all. However I am starting to feel more positive - it just took me a while (not helped by fact I only went back to work in new job 6 months ago) .

I hope that this time around things will be much simpler (DD was a nightmare with reflux and colic)!

LiegeAndLief Tue 14-Oct-08 13:57:53

We are currently contemplating dc2 and I feel sick at the thought so can very much relate! I would really like to have another child but can't face the thought of having another baby, iyswim. I had severe pre-eclampsia, ds was prem and in SCBU for ages, and I really did't cope well with sleep deprivation. My only hope is that the second time will be completely different...

Sorry can't reassure you but good luck - all my friends with 2 seem to have coped very well.

lulabellarama Tue 14-Oct-08 14:59:10

I totally know what you are feeling. This pregnancy (my second)was planned and I felt sure it was what I wanted, but as soon as I got the positive I panicked. It took me a few weeks to get over and come round to the idea. I was genuinely wondering if I wanted to go through with it at all! (never breathed a word to anyone in RL though)

I've done a complete about turn now and am over the moon.

2Helenback Tue 14-Oct-08 15:23:29

I understand totally. I had a bad birth experience and recovery, and only the fact that I am 39 next month made me contemplate getting pg agin. I really wanted dd to have a sib, but have had several wobbles since conceiving I'm worried that I won't cope at home, at work etc. Also my age makes me worry that last time we were just so lucky to have a healthy baby.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Apparently.(hmm)

mrsbabookaloo Tue 14-Oct-08 15:29:17

Hi. Me too: got my postive test this morning and the baby is planned and wanted but there are lots of things I'm dreading/worried about:
Morning sickness (terrible last time)
Breastfeeding ( terrible last time, ended up mixed feeding)
What if there's something wrong with this one? (that sounds awful, sorry)
Sleep deprivation
Lack of space in 2 bed flat
Worry about things that were easy last time that might not be with a second one (dd is a good eater and sleeper, could I be that lucky twice?)
Worry about my lack of patience/grumpiness: bad enough with one, what about two?
Keeping track of two of them and keeping them both safe.

Hope we can support each other with our worries and ambivalence!

Now I've typed that out, I really feel like a nutter! But if you can't say it on mn, where can you?

mrsbabookaloo Tue 14-Oct-08 15:31:22

2helenback (great name by the way)l you put it much better than me while i laboured over my post. I regret putting "what if there's something wrong..." it was a horrible thing to say.

I meant, like you that we were lucky to have a healthy baby the first time, but you never know..

spookycharlotte121 Tue 14-Oct-08 15:36:35

I found out i was pg when ds was 4 months old and was gobsmacked. I spent the first trimester denying it, the second hiding it and the third bricking it. I honestly didnt know how i was going to cope with an 11month old and a new born baby whilst being a single mum.... thing is you do. your body goes into auto pilot and you learn from all the mistakes you made first time round.

mrsbabookaloo Tue 14-Oct-08 15:45:44

Gosh spookycharlotte, after you've done that, you can do anything! I know my situation is nothing like yours...

forevermore Tue 14-Oct-08 15:58:15

totally scared to even TTc though desperately want another, but with first (dd is 3) had gestational diabetes and dd didn't feed well for 18 months then got eczema (now recovered) and now mildly asthmstic and don't know if i will cope emotionally (and financially)...feel like i should just 'go for it'hmm

EsmeWeatherwax Tue 14-Oct-08 15:58:48

Hello, I was here too a couple of weeks ago. In fact, right up until this morning, when I got my 12 week scan and the bean had a wee wave at me.

I have no idea how I'll cope with no.2 feel as if I am barely coping with dd alone at the minute. I'm so very scared I've done the wrong thing, and have been really sick with this pregnancy too. Spent the first few weeks wishing, well, not that I would miscarry exactly, but that the whole thing would just go away. Hopefully will get better the more we all get used to being pg again!

forevermore Tue 14-Oct-08 16:07:10

congratulation, through the worst i suspect and will start to feel better soon i imagine. but regarding the emotional issue, well you won't know till babe is here i guess? But i suspect it will all work out in the end as is the case with most. I guess the thing is to be thankful that you have been able to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy that may take the worry away? good luck

bateeha24 Tue 14-Oct-08 18:24:28

hi it happened to me on my 2nd pg too i was on denial cus it was not planned and ds1 was only 11months when i found out i was pg again and the relationship with their father was not good either and financially there was no way i could cope. for the 1st 12 weeks of pg only i could think was abortion but then when i saw that baby inside of me on the scan i said to myself i can do this and when dd2 was born ds1 was 19 months and dd2 was so good never cried at night to be fed since birth nobody would guess that i had another baby at home cus dd2 barely cried until now that dd2 is nearly 3 yrs old and im pg again 39 weeks but this time planned ;)can i be lucky in the same way with this 1 too ? never know i just have to wait and see hmm

brettgirl2 Tue 14-Oct-08 20:34:13

My sister in law had very severe PND, however, she was absolutely fine with her second.

chocbiscuits Tue 14-Oct-08 21:07:40

Last night kept dreaming Ds1 was running off in a really big shop and I couldn't catch up with him because am 36 weeks and when I found him he was wearing a strange green jumper and was really scared....

Jackaroo Tue 14-Oct-08 21:39:17

Oh what perfect timing - it's early morning here, I just gagged on my toothbrush, and I'm nearly throwing trying to fill the dishwasher.. and was getting in a real tizz...

and then I found all your postings - you all get it don't you? Yes, hell with pre-ec last time, 6 day induced labour, etc etc, cannot possibly be as sleep deprived by the time another baby comes along as I was last time, and at least next time we'll know what to watch out for - chocbiscuits - that's amazing to know about your sil ...

forevermore - my history includes m/c, scares etc, so yes I was so so grateful when DS was completely fine - and have many many friends who would give anything to be in this position, which is why I wasn't sure about posting, but as the reactions show, it's not an unheard of panic.....
mrsbabookaloo - don't chastise yourself for worrying about having a healthy second baby, I also feel, surely Ican't be that lucky twice, esp knocking on 40yrs old (2helenback!) but DH has been ready since DS was 8 months old, so I've been lucky to have this long to get over my PTSD (never thought of it like that but it's true, flashbacks, depression, panic etc after last experience).. and I'm in a much better position financially/geographically than last time, although I'm now the other side of the world from my friends and family, which sucks.

Sorry anyone who now recognises me, I'm not telling you in RL that I'm pg, because I need to keep getting my head aroudn it first....

Thanks again, I'll keep this link, and keep reading your replies till it's all feeling sunnier :-)

J

spookycharlotte121 Tue 14-Oct-08 23:10:00

Financially wise I dont find it that much more to have the two kids. If you let people know that you want to borrow things you wont believe how helpful they can be and people actually really like helping when your expecting. Beg borrow and steal what you can. When you find out what your expecting I dont mind sending you some of the dcs clothes as I have one of each sex and most of the clothes have hardly been worn. I acyually find it easier with 2 kids as ds has settled down loads and is in a really good routine now and is behaving like a real little gent whereas he used to be a little begger!

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