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Feel so lost, need advice- sorry long post...

(19 Posts)
whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 21:49:10

Hi all,

I really need some advice here. I've just found out that i'm pregnant after a holiday 'romance'(burst bloody condom and not a chemist in sight). The dad is Spanish, lives over there, but i've known him for a while (my family goes out there quite a lot). I'm very confused and worried about what to do, and whether or not to go ahead and keep the baby. I think in my heart of hearts I want to keep it, as I don't think I can go through with a termination, as I had one at 16, but then the other part of me thinks "Madness!". I would be happy for him to be a part of the baby's life, and to go out and visit as often as possible (if that's what he wants), but essentially I know that I would be a single mum, and i'm fully aware of how hard that would be (hence the "madness" thoughts!). However, I have so many thoughts going through my head:

Is it fair to bring a baby into the world if it's dad doesn't want it? I have written him a long email telling him what the situation is yesterday, so currently awaiting some kind of response (if any!), and pretty sure he will respond but don't know his feelings- guessing won't be massively enthusiastic!

How will I cope financially? I have a good job at the moment (I earn 30K), but it sounds silly, if I earn too much (not that i'm minted by any means, what with student loan repayments), will I struggle even more money wise? I don't want to be a benefit scrounger, but would like to know what help I can get, if any- especially for help with rent and child care. Dad is still a student in Spain and has 2 years left to go, so I have stated in email that if I was to keep, I wouldn't expect money for now.

Will I live to regret if I do go ahead? I spoke to a well meaning friend last night who is very matter of fact/ blunt, and told me in no uncertain terms that basically my life will be over, that i'll never progress in my career, meet a nice guy, or go out ever again- i was left in floods

I feel that I could cope with a baby (i'm 24) and have definitely done my main partying, but am I being naive? Will I be a dribble encrusted hermit forever? I'm still so shocked and confused, it doesn't feel real... Please help

LovelyDear Mon 13-Oct-08 21:54:41

I don't know how to advise you but I know people on here will have experiences to share with you. Look on the Lone Parents threads as well. Good luck. You have time to decide, and get over the shock, and you can talk to your GP and get counselling to help you make your mind up, i believe.

MrsPickles Mon 13-Oct-08 21:56:44

Your life will be utterly different, but at some point (and it may not be straight away), you will be so overwhelmed by love for your baby that it will all be worthwhile. Re what financial help is out there - have a look at this site. You'll definitely get tax credits. Childcare vouchers from your work can also save about 1/4 of your childcare costs. Will you have any family support nearby?

whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 21:57:30

Thank you LovelyDear, i'm seeing my doc tomorrow, so she might be able to give me some counselling details- I just need to hear that it might just be okay I think!

absandme Mon 13-Oct-08 21:58:03

Only you can decide what's right for you.

Don't let anyones opinions influence you into a decision that isn't right!

Listen to advice & choose what's right for you.

The dribble encrusted hermit sounds appealing!!

On a positive note to having a baby - a friend of mine said ' there is never a right time to have a baby & you think you'll never afford it but you do!'
Another friend who never really wanted children said ' why didn't you tell me how wonderful it is having children, I should have done it years ago!'

On the other side of the coin - another friend is happy to have neices/nephews & is not up for the sleepless nights & nappies that comes from your own baby!

Whatever floats your boat!

Good luck in what you decide, life is meant for living & that includes mums and not mums!

whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 21:58:44

No not really any family near by- i live in London and my ma lives elsewhere, but would consider moving back to be closer and then commuting in to the big smoke, which makes things harder.

SEBANDELLIOTTSMUM Mon 13-Oct-08 22:01:07

im not entirely sure what to say but in your heart of hearts if you feel ready then stick at it.
your friends comments are a bit harsh, i can see where shes coming from, is she trying shock tactics? your life wont be over it will be enhanced. its not the 1950s a mans not going to run a mile because your a single parent.
do any of your friends have children yet or are you thr first because if your friend is worried about losing her drinking buddy its a bit selfish of her. can you talk to your parents about it?
i had my first child 5 years ago at at 24 and i still have girly weekends away and far to much sambuca on a night out (always seems like a good idea at the time) and to be honest you really wont care about much else than your baby in the beginning.

good luck in whatever you decide. xx

whatatodo Mon 13-Oct-08 22:03:53

Also, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but i'm worried what other people will think after my friend's reaction (she is lovely really!)- how will I be able to feel proud of my baby and hold my head high when people may think i'm nuts/crazy/slutty/selfish* for going through with it? I can't imagine many people congratulating me, especially as i'm fairly young and only a few friends have sprogged out...hmm

*delete as applicable

SEBANDELLIOTTSMUM Mon 13-Oct-08 22:07:29

your a grown woman with a responsible life i know i felt young but im so glad i had them young.
when your holding your baby you wont feel ashamed in the slightest.
no doubt itl be hard but you cant base this decision on what other people might think..

pollyblue Mon 13-Oct-08 22:08:55

Try not to think too far ahead, that way madness lies! grin I can only advise go with your gut instincts - it's good that you're thinking about practicalities but often things have a way of working themselves out.

Your friend might have meant well but she was viewing your situation from her own perspective. Speaking as an old crone pushing 40 (ahem!), I can honestly say that your life is far from over - it sounds like you have a good job so should find your maternity rights etc will be looked after and if you do decide to have the baby you will still be under 30 when he/she starts school - you have a lot of life ahead of you!

sleepycat Mon 13-Oct-08 22:13:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scubagroover Tue 14-Oct-08 12:07:53

Am pretty new to this site but am 21 wks pg and will be doing it alone. Father is/was a friend and we got together only to realise it didn't work and then I found out I was pregnant. He spent a great deal of time trying to persuade me to get rid of it.

All I can say is that you have to make the decision based on what YOU want and how you feel. I also worked on the basis that he wouldn't want anything to do with his DC. I am under no illusion that it will be hard but decided that at 31 (will be 32 when DS arrives) and have a good job I couldn't terminate. It took a huge amount of soul searching to come to that decision and am so lucky had support of amazing friends and family.

Good luck with your decision making, I know what its like.

mrsmontano Tue 14-Oct-08 12:45:12

It sounds to me like you already know that you will keep this baby. The only answer anyone can offer you is to do what feels right for you.
I was in a vaguely similar situation and some people had the same attitude as your friend, and yes there are probably a million reasons why not to have a baby right now. But, it's not as simple as just deciding not to have a baby. you're already pregnant, so it's a case of whether you can go through with a termination isn't it.

Someone said to me that people often regret terminations, but it's very very rare to regret a child.
And that there's certainly a wrong time to have a baby, but there's no wrong baby. If you continue with the pregnancy then it's your baby, and you cope.

good luck

Ginni Wed 15-Oct-08 11:22:15

I got pregnant just three months after starting dating my partner earlier this year. I was on the pill and managed to miss all the signs until I was almost three months gone. He spent the first few weeks in denial, then became incredibly angry and invested alot of effort demanding angrily that I have an abortion, accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose etc. It was a really awful time, and he was in that frame of mind for about two months. I want this baby full stop, even if he didn't and just told him that he had to make a choice as to whether he wanted to be involved or not. It still amazes me that we are actually still in a relationship, and although he's still pissed off that i'm pregnant he is definitely coming round and getting more and more positive about it as the days go on - he's even started talking to her and reading her stories!

I know that you haven't even got a reaction from the dad yet, and that our circumstances are different, but my point is that I would have gone ahead with this pregnancy even if it meant that I had to be a single mum, no matter what difficulties it entailed. I know that my life will be different from the moment she is born, it will affect my social life and it will probably age me quickly (!) but i've accepted that because I already love my daughter.

All i'm saying is follow your heart and it'll be ok.

2Helenback Wed 15-Oct-08 12:34:16

To go back to your friend's comment (angry). I believe that other people often have hidden agendas in such comments. Is she secretly craving a baby? Does she not want to lose a partner in crime for going out and living it up?

My dearest mate was persuaded to abort a baby in a similar situation when she was 21.She was persuaded by her older sister who was 'supporting' her. My opinion was always that sister was married and felt she should produce the first grandchild, which she duly did. My friend has since not had the family she always wanted, mainly due to an addiction to foul men, but that's another story! She is now mouring the child that should just be thinking about uni, and I don't think she's ever come to terms with it. It has also been a very destructive element in her relationship with her sister and caused a lot of mental health problems.

There is no right time to have a baby. But I can testify as another reasonably highearner that a new and fantastic life will begin, and you will manage, and any hardships are well worth it.

You will need to make your decision for you.

Seabright Wed 15-Oct-08 18:50:30

From your postings - you will be fine. You are thinking about things sensibly and weighing up alternatives rationally. It does sound to me like you want to keep it.

You will be entitled to some state help in various forms - which you have been paying into with your taxes & NI, so don't feel bad about that. Everyone's at least entitled to Child Benefit - don't feel bad about accepting the help that's available, you'll easily "repay" it over your working life.

Good luck, whatever you decide

mamatilly Wed 15-Oct-08 19:16:25

just know that your life will change forever in every conceivable way. life as you know it will be over. your choices, your freedoms, your options, your heart, your every every everything will be different.

take care with this decision...

lecohen Wed 15-Oct-08 19:50:56


If you decide to keep the baby, I am sure that everything will be ok and you will cope fine both emotionally and financially.

Don't let ANYBODY have too much influence on YOUR decision, you know best! x

Bicnod Wed 15-Oct-08 20:01:27

My baby sister got pregnant as a result of a one night stand when she was 19. At the time I thought she was crazy going ahead with the pregnancy but her beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous daughter is now 4 years old, the apple of the entire family's eye and my sister after two years on her own got together with a wonderful man who her daughter now calls daddy and with whom she has just had her second child.

If you decide to go ahead you will cope - you will have to! You will find your way and you will fall so deeply in love with your baby that it will all be worthwhile.

I agree with mamatilly that you should take care with this decision, and also that your life will change forever in every conceivable way - but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Good luck x x

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