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My neighbour has lost her baby and it has really upset me....

(14 Posts)
Sparklyblue Tue 07-Oct-08 10:09:49

...I am 14 weeks pregnant and she was 12. She went for her scan yesterday and they couldn't find the heartbeat. They sent her to another hospital to get it checked and it turns out her baby has died.
As I was getting in to my car yesterday she came out to me looking very upset and told me what had hapened. I gave her a hug and said how sorry I was. When she went back inside I burst in to tears.
The worst thing is, they're leaving nature to take it's course. Is that normal?
We talked about our babies being play mates. It has really upset me, I don't want to upset her when my bump grows, I'm going to feel very awkward. I won't want to upset her.
Thanks, just needed to get this out.

gem1981 Tue 07-Oct-08 10:27:15

hugs xx

how awful ... I have never had experience of this but have read about it on MN.

I think you can make a decision to let nature take its course or opt for a procedure - its personal preference I think.

She came to talk to you about it yesterday - so it seems as though she is very comfortable being open and honest with you - all you can do is be there for her when she needs it.

you sound like a considerate and thoughtful friend.


PheasantPlucker Tue 07-Oct-08 10:36:24

You sound lovely. Please don't ignore your friend though, even if I can see why you are worried you might upset her.

Having had m/cs and various problems with pregnancy I felt so isolated at times when people felt they couldn't talk to me for fear of upsetting me, so shunned me instead. Even now occasionally (this happened recently with an old next door neighbour!) someone doesn't tell me they are pregnant even though I have 2 lovely girls and am not jealous/upset/whatever. (I turned up at a party and she was there holding a newborn and looking a bit sheepish!).

Obviously, if your friend makes it clear she wants to be away from it all for a bit please ignore everything I have just said, and I apologise if this is rambly or inappropriate. xx

rosealbie Tue 07-Oct-08 10:42:56

I was 8 weeks pregnant with my dd when my sister lost her baby (born at 24 weeks) due to pre-eclampsia. I tried to keep very low-key about things during my pregnancy so as not to upset her. She on the other hand wanted to talk about how my pregnancy was going and was delighted when I gave birth.

I don't expect your neighbour can feel more upset than she does now, please don't avoid her although it is hard.

Sparklyblue Tue 07-Oct-08 11:02:17

Thanks for replying.
They didn't give her a choice yesterday, was just told to let things happen naturaly.
I think I will call round later and see how she's doing.
Must not cry in front of her though, it's so upsetting.

Juliette108 Tue 07-Oct-08 12:02:23

No Sparklyblue!
Do cry- do show that you are upset. I found it a great comfort after my baby died at 24 weeks for my friends to cry with me. The ones that freaked me out (and if I'm honest, hurt me), were those that sat there and didn't engage with the pain I was going through. I found their words pretty hollow. obviously, I am not saying force yourself to cry, or equally hand wring and weep uncrontrollably (it is her grief and her experience), but please do not be afraid of showing your empathy and distress-as long as it is for her and not for your fears. Yes, crying is'so upsetting', but seeing you cry will be the least of her worries and I honestly think she will find it the actions of a genuine and empathetic friend, which you clearly are.

bikerunski Tue 07-Oct-08 12:15:40

I realise that this is a different situation, but there are similarities. A friend of mine's baby died at a day old recently. My ds is a month old. I really didn't know what to do or say and I cried and cried. In the end I sent her a card saying I was thinking of her, and to get in touch when she was ready. She has been in touch and said she would like to still be friends, but it will take time to see us. I realise that this will be different with a neighbour, who you will see anyway. But I think the important thing is to let her know you are thinking of her, are there for her and give her space to come to you. And keep it low key.

Sparklyblue Tue 07-Oct-08 12:45:52

It's so hard, was looking out of the window and saw one of her husbands friends arrive with a bunch of flowers.
Was in tears again.
But I will go round and see her later, but if she's not ready, I'll keep my distance for a while.

AHB238 Tue 07-Oct-08 15:12:49

I lost my daughter on Mothers day this year at 38 weeks and 6 days gestation. Her heart stopped beating 2 days before she was born.

if your friend is anything like me she will want to be left a lone for a while to get her head round everything. Maybe you could text her and let her know that she is in your thoughts and you are there for her if she needs anything! It will be hard for her to see you but in time she will feel ready and please do not be afraid to hold back the tears. It's nice to see that other people feel our pain. No-one can ever understand what it's like to lose a child but they can sympathise, so unless you have been through it yourself, please don't say to her that you can understand, because really you can't!! It's not just the losing the baby it's all the plans you had for them, taking them to school etc. Her due date will be a tough time too, so please try to remember when that would be and let her know you've remembered. It's truly awful sitting here on "special" dates and no-one else remembers and to us they are the biggest thing.

Someone said to me not long ago at times like this in your life: Friends can become strangers and some strangers can become friends.

I have certainly noticed who my real friends are since losing my baby girl, so although I say give her some space, at the same time don't distance yourself too much. Don't become a stranger to her.

Thinking of your neighbour. x x x

AHB238 Tue 07-Oct-08 15:14:14

Sorry meant do not be afraid to show your tears, don't hold them back. x x x

ribeyesteak Tue 07-Oct-08 15:29:16

sorry to hear about your neighbour.... it's awful.

AHB238 - i am so sad for your loss, truly am it is just devastating. i agree totally when adversity happens Friends can become strangers and some strangers can become friends.

one of my best friends told me she was pregnant 3 weeks after i mc (thank goodness she moved away), i was due 2 weeks after her.

we had a big heart to heart on the phone (she phoned me) where i broke down telling her that her baby would always remind me of my lost baby....

she told me to let it all out i did, and then the next day called she me up saying i had upset her and she couldn't be upset as she was pregnant!

anyway, i apologised (wtf!)for upsetting her and i kept my distance with the odd email/text but she spent the rest of her pregancy emailing me telling me how great her life was and towards the end of her pregnancy how she had only gained a stone, no stretch marks and felt fabulous!

she's had her baby now which left me feeling mixed...

i am gratefully, thankfully and humbly pregnant again and haven't really involved that friend in my pregnancy...

all the best...

pollyblue Tue 07-Oct-08 17:56:40

Could you pop a condolences card through her door and say you'll see her in a day or two, but if she needs you before then, just shout? I lost my first pg at 9 weeks, like your friend, and a couple of friends sent notes to say they were thinking of us, it really helped.

IME I was given two weeks to miscarry naturally, unfortunately I didn't so ended up having a D&C.

Don't feel awkward, but let your friend know you're there if she needs you.

Sparklyblue Tue 07-Oct-08 19:55:29

Good idea about the card, will do that tomorrow.
Hopefully it won't take two weeks for her, that's just prolonging the heart ache, bless her sad

BlueCornflower Tue 07-Oct-08 20:20:59

Would agee with some of the other comments here. I too went for a scan at 12 weeks and was told baby had died.

My friend was a few weeks ahead of me but didn't know how to handle it at all and basically ignored the issue. I would say we have totally lost our friendship now because she didn't want to talk about it.

Another friend said a few weeks afterwards that she didn't want to ask me about it in case I got upset and cried. Felt really angry about this - I WANTED to talk about it and didn't care if I cried or not.

So - don't ignore your friend - be there for her, as you are being!

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