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Fed up and need to vent.........sorry

7 replies

electra · 30/09/2008 10:57

I'm about 12 weeks pregnant. The circumstances aren't good as the baby's father is someone I got involved with while I was having some mental health problems last year and earlier this year. He was kind to me but doesn't speak English well and takes a lot of drugs. He is currently not in the UK but we still keep in contact via text, MSN etc. I told him I was pregnant before he left, but he got very upset and never mentions it now -- just talks about other things.

I struggled for ages about what to do. I thought I should have an abortion to begin with, but when it comes to it I feel that it's wrong for me and I don't think I could move on if I did it. But I have thought about nothing else and turned the situation over and over in my mind. Everyone around me acts like abortion is a default option, but it is not an option at all unless you know it is the right thing to do...

Anyway, yesterday my friend sent me a message on facebook, saying, among other things that she thinks I should have an abortion in case this baby has ASD (my older dd has it) and she thinks I wouldn't cope with three children. I have explained to her that abortion is only an option if you can live with it and feel comfortable with the decision but she's not getting it and keeps sending me more messages saying 'have you thought this through?' which completely winds me up as I have thought of nothing else! She then sent me another message saying why have I sent one of my daughters to private school in a way which implies she expects me to explain myself.

Then late last night a friend of the baby's father sent me a text asking about the situation which left me thinking the baby's father must have put him up to it -- do you think I'm being paranoid? I just think why can't he bloody well ask me himself?!

On a positive note, I have never felt so well mentally, in spite of this situation - which I suppose must be the pg hormones.

Sorry this is so long but the whole thing is so tiresome.

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MsG · 30/09/2008 11:09

Hi Electra. It's great that you're feeling well mentally. I suffer from depression and OCD but it's not too bad at the moment, which I'm thanking the hormones for!

I think your friend is probably trying to be helpful but is coming across really aggressively! It's really none of her business whether you send your children to private school or not, and it seems insulting for her to ask if you have thought it though... But maybe she's not very sensitive. Is she generally a good friend? Can you tell her you appreciate her concern but feel a bit offended by the questions she's been asking? If she doesn't accept that, I think you can tell her to butt out!

As to the baby's father, it seems odd that his friend contacted you but perhaps there is a reason you haven't considered... I don't know - it's impossible to know, really!

I hope things settle down for you. xx

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electra · 30/09/2008 11:40

MsG - thanks for your reply. I have known this friend for years - we went to university together. She is generally insensitive and I have learned to accept that as part of her personality because I think she does care about me really but says things in a way that aren't always helpful. I suppose I'm particularly sensitive about it because her approach seems very patronising.

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babyinbelly · 30/09/2008 13:06

There is something about being pregnant that makes other people think they can give you there honest opinion whether you want it or not.

I would tell everyone you have made your choice and you no longer want to discuss it. If they cant be happy for you then butt out.

If the dad wants to speak to you he should do it himself IMO.

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electra · 30/09/2008 13:25

You're right, babyinbelly. Your approach sounds sensible. I do talk to the baby's father but he just says he misses me and never mentions the pregnancy. I think he feels bad that he can't offer a solution (which he couldn't even if he wanted to). Somehow I have to believe that in spite of everything this will turn out ok.

Also, the midwife has put me under consultant care because of my recent mental health problems and this time people are treating me weirdly and seem a bit judgemental (I'm sure I'm not imagining it!) which is annoying....I wanted to have a home birth - hope that isn't out the window.

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electra · 30/09/2008 13:26

I wonder what it is about being pg that makes people stable?

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babyinbelly · 01/10/2008 10:13

I think being pregnant puts things in to perspective a bit more so everything suddenly makes sense to you.

If the dad isn't intersested in your pregnancy I would not bother keeping in contact TBH. My ex, who was not the father, dumped me when I was pregnant as he 'couldn't cope' Then after it was born continued sleeping with me, which really screwed my head up.

Hope all goes to plan with your homebirth. Doesn't seem to be a medical reason why shouldn't, ie babys health not at risk.

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electra · 01/10/2008 14:24

That sounds harsh BIB. Well it would be hard for him to be involved anyway - I can't see him ever living in the UK.

Thanks for listening, anyway....