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SIL going in for c-section - Has no one to take care of her kids

(90 Posts)
GillL Thu 18-Sep-08 12:41:54

Sil is 33 weeks pg and has been in hospital since Sunday. She has placenta previa and had a bleed. They have planned a c-section for Tuesday next week. Fil has her 3 kids at the moment and has had to take holiday from work. He has no more holiday left and can't afford to take unpaid leave, so he has to find someone else to look after them from Sunday. Dh and I can't take them as we both work full time and already have 2 kids (13 months and 3.5) of our own with no room to sleep 3 more (17 months, 2.5 and 3.5).

Fil is panicking because sil doesn't seem to be doing anything to sort this out. She doesn't know anyone near where she lives who can help out and there is no other family in a position to have the kids. He is considering contacting social services.

Does anyone know what help sil can get in her situation? She is a single mum and the dad is not around.

cazboldy Thu 18-Sep-08 12:43:21

why can't you or your dh look after them at their own house?

MadameCastafiore Thu 18-Sep-08 12:43:44

Where is she - if she lives near me I will take them - am not a loon - used to be a childminder and have 2 quite well balanced kids.

Would surestart not know where to look otherwise?

FioFio Thu 18-Sep-08 12:45:57

Message withdrawn

LadyMuck Thu 18-Sep-08 12:47:50

If there is really no-one else to help then it might have to be short term foster care. Looking after 4 under 4 is a massive challenge at the best of time let alone when one is a premmie and you're recovering from a c/s. Could your sil be suffering from depression?

NorthernLurker Thu 18-Sep-08 12:49:46

Your fil should contact social services. They need a temporary foster carer. I have a friend who had to do this in very similar circumstances and it was fine. social services placed her son quite nearby with a fantastic family. The carer bought him in to see mum regularly in hospital and then when she was ready to go home off they all went. It is purely a temporary arrangement but would be better and more consisitent for the kids than your fil struggling and a cast of thousands gettin involved.

lulumama Thu 18-Sep-08 12:50:41

if it was my SIL i would take time off work myself to help if possible

she could also contact local doulas, she might be able to get a trainee who could work for expenses only who could be with her for the birth and help her post natally

surely someone could take a day off work to have the dcs the day she has the op, and someone else takes the next day off etc

the alternative is horrible

worth asking local nanny /au pair agencies for emergency care and local nursery if she uses one

definitely speak to sure start

LiegeAndLief Thu 18-Sep-08 12:51:18

Your poor sil is probably in a state of denial! I'm afraid I don't have much advice but have had a cs and prem baby - think the solution is going to have to be fairly long term (ie weeks rather than days) as she will need to recover from cs and then get to hospital, preferably on her own, to visit the baby. Hope you manage to sort something out.

LadyMuck Thu 18-Sep-08 12:54:16

The more notice SS get the better a placement they can arrange. If nothing FIL ought to speak to them to see what the options are.

The dad may not be around but what about the dad's family?

shieldofsteel Thu 18-Sep-08 13:10:52

Could either you or your dh stay at her house to look after the kids. If you can't could the rest of the family financially contribute to FIL to take unpaid leave. If you can't do that then I would try to cram them all into your house. Don't assume that it will be straightforward for a single mother of 4 preschoolers to get them back from social services.

largeginandtonic Thu 18-Sep-08 13:17:46

If it was my sil i would take the time off tbh. I couldnt bear the thought of them all going in to care.

I would cram them in somehow, kids will see it as an adventure.

Where are you, i will glady help smile

WorzselMummage Thu 18-Sep-08 13:28:22

If it were my sil, or friend i'd be off work.

WorzselMummage Thu 18-Sep-08 13:28:24

If it were my sil, or friend i'd be off work.

AnarchyAunt Thu 18-Sep-08 13:31:23

Where is she? I can't take the kids in but I am a trainee doula and would be willing to help her out for expenses only - I am West Midlands.

LadyMuck Thu 18-Sep-08 13:35:09

But her sil hasn't asked, and in reality how many people have FT jobs where they can just take 4 weeks off to look after someone else's family? Especially in this economic climate?

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Thu 18-Sep-08 13:37:19

Can't you or preferably (since its his family) your dh take time off work? If you & FIL are the only family she's got then if you can't/won't do it it will have to be foster care.

Kids don't need much space to sleep during an emergency situation.

MissyK Thu 18-Sep-08 13:40:07

She obviously has space for her 3 at her house so can't you and dh take it in turns to spend a night there at hers & a night at home with yours?
My friend had 2 dc then a prem section & needed quite a lot of assistance afterwards too.
I know where I am sometimes social services will help with childcare costs in the day, childminder/nursery, so the family can still go to work, then look after them during the evenings where they can be in their home environment. Surely it's something to be looked into.
Like shieldofsteel said it may not be that simple to get the children back from care afterwards.

I hope you can all work something out, your sil must be going through so much, the last thing she needs is to be worrying about her dc being in care..

shieldofsteel Thu 18-Sep-08 13:40:12

How many people would want their small nieces and nephews separated and put into care? Its not someone elses family, its her sil.

LadyMuck Thu 18-Sep-08 13:45:26

They may not need to be separated if SS is given notice. At the very least have a discussion and see what might be available.

MuffinMclay Thu 18-Sep-08 13:54:52

I couldn't see my neices and nephews put into care. Could you and dh manage to take time off with a combination of holidays and unpaid leave?

We've squashed 4 extra children into our house when needs must. You'd be surprised how many you can fit into one bed, and the children think it is a fabulous adventure.

Dropdeadfred Thu 18-Sep-08 13:57:21

this is or dh can not take some time off to look after them???

what about the other childrens' father..or is he the one that has left her the lurch?

midnightexpress Thu 18-Sep-08 13:58:16

They're not being 'put into care' really are they, just getting some help to get through a difficult time. if no-one in the family is available, I don't see what the alternative is.

Dropdeadfred Thu 18-Sep-08 14:03:37

Depends if noone in the family is 'making themselves' available...I still think it is sad if not one family member can help at this time

GillL Thu 18-Sep-08 14:04:36

Thanks for the advice. I'll suggest to fil to contact ss and maybe Surestart asap to find out what they can do. Sil lives in East London for everyone who was asking.

Dh and I have very understanding employers but neither of us are in a position to take that much time off. I don't mind taking the odd day or 2 off but, as LiegeAndLief said, this is going to be weeks, not a few days.

Unfortunately we struggle to pay our own bills so we can't afford to help out financially. I think fil would be too proud to ask anyone else in the family even if his company did let him take unpaid leave.

Fiofio - we're not happy for them to go into foster care. It is currently the only option. It sounds like some people would judge us for not taking the kids in but it is just not going to happen. If it was one child it would be different. Apart from anything, we can't afford to pay for food for 3 extra children. There is no way sil would pay us for it.

Dropdeadfred Thu 18-Sep-08 14:07:55

surely the cost of feeding three small children isn't that bad? you wouldn't want the cost of feeding your nephews/nieces??!!
you say if it was one child you would...that would mean taking the same amount of time off though surely? regardless of the amount of children?

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