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Feeling a bit lonely

(29 Posts)
plantsitter Mon 25-Aug-08 17:01:39

Maybe it's the hormones and maybe it's just today, but I feel a bit like nobody wants to be my friend because I'm pregnant and not drinking. I'm in London so I know loads of social stuff revolves around drinking but surely not EVERYTHING has to? Also feel like nobody wants to talk about the baby/pregnancy - I've been trying really hard not to go on and on about it and bore people, but surely I'm allowed to mention it occasionally? I also don't want DP to have to hang around with me all the time as I know he is entitled to go out and do his own stuff and I don't want him to get sick of me moaning . I'm 17 weeks - is it a good idea to join the NCT or something now so I can meet people, or is it too early really? Sorry for patheticness of post.

lauraloola Mon 25-Aug-08 17:05:01

Go for it - Join some clubs in your area and meet mums to be and new mums. You can get great tips from them and chat to your hearts content about your pregnancy etc.

We used to go out a lot but stopped when I was pregnant - It is nearly a year since we both drank last!!! You just change and realise that there are more important things in life then being in a pub.

Good luck x

ANTagony Mon 25-Aug-08 17:07:19

It is weird when your pregnant and non of your friends are. I agree on the drinking thing. My first pregnancy I realised that most of my social outlets were around drink.

Have you thought about inviting a few people to yours or arranging a trip to the cinema/ theater?

Definately join one/ some baby groups its a wonderful thing and you should have people you can boast to about the wonderful thing thats happening to you even if they aren't the people you'd usually choose to socialise with.

Theres also things like aquasize (I don't know how to spell it) and yogo for pregnancy which maybe easier to go to on your own with the chance to meet people because its focused around an activity.

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 17:10:31

i know exactly how you feel. I'm in london too and all my friends are not ready for kids/not in stable relationships etc. now that i'm not drinking and partying on the weekends it's rather lonely.

i did try the nct, although they were really nice the group i went to spend a bit of time with didn't really have much in common with me. so i ended up taking private antenatal classes and made a friend or two from there and i've been meeting first time london moms from mumsnet. i've made some really amazing friends so far and i hope to keep them.

where in london are you? would you like to have coffee sometime?

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 17:12:39


i meant to say: wrt NCT; they were a very nice group of women. but I didn't have much in common with them.

plantsitter Mon 25-Aug-08 17:18:05

eandz I am in Deptford (SE) and would love to meet for a coffee. I work in town if that's easier.

Thanks for the yoga reminder ANTagony - I forgot I had intended to join a class and I've just found one near me to join.

Thanks for all the replies, ladies. Glad I'm not the only one who's feeling/ felt like this!

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 17:21:52

what part of town?

i live in st johns wood, but seriously i don't mind meeting anywhere. apparently long walks bring on labor and i would LOVE to go into labor.

Jane7 Mon 25-Aug-08 17:24:26

all us lonely londoners should hook up. for some reason, today is a difficult time to be pregnant, isn't it?
all my friends went to carnival yesterday and had big party night, i even thought i might go to, but they didn't seem to want sober lady with big bump hanging around and ruining their fun...

Jane7 Mon 25-Aug-08 17:25:34

plantsitter and eandz - if you organize a meet-up, will you let me know?

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 17:28:22

jane7 plantsittier

are there any available days you have this week or next week?

you can add me on facebook by searching my email address: qureshiz at regents dot ac dot uk

otherwise just email me at: kishmish at gmail dot com and i'll try to add you.

i have crazy privacy setting on my fb account so it might be difficult.

plantsitter Mon 25-Aug-08 17:49:16

Next week is better for me as this week is set to be a crazy work one. I will try to find you on facebook and arrange to meet Centrally ish - Jane7 how is a Central London meet for you? Hurray! I'm feeling more cheerful already!

ButIForgetMyself Mon 25-Aug-08 19:55:33

I nearly posted exactly the same thread this morning, almost word for word.

Instead I went a bit mad with the cleaning, hoping it would improve the mood.

It didn't, I just felt like somebody who's good for nothing except menial household tasks!

I know exactly where you're coming from with the friends thing, and I feel like such a burden on my DP.

What makes it worse is that I work and live away from home through the week, so haven't really had the chance to make friends in Teesside where I'll be living full-time when I start maternity leave in November, so it falls even more onto DP to keep me entertained at the weekend. I could join an antenatal group where I live through the week (55 miles away), but would only have 12 weeks with them before I come back to Teesside for good.

I lived in London until March 07 and am feeling very jealous of all you Londoners arranging to meet up!

I'm 21+5, btw, and my DP came back from his day rock-climbing to find me in tears...

plantsitter Mon 25-Aug-08 20:39:59

How funny BIFM! I also tried the housework approach and have emptied the washing basket/ have a big pot of soup bubbling on the stove, and cried when DP got back from... rock-climbing!

It's nice to know it's not just me feeling a bit friendless. Must be something about a bank holiday!

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 21:01:41

now central london is quite big-

which area?

covent garden/oxford circus ?

liverpool st?

dinkystinky Mon 25-Aug-08 21:12:54

Antenatal exercise classes are a great way to meet people in London - pregnancy yoga, pilates, aqua-aerobics, etc.

I look on pregnancy (now pregnant with no2) as a great time to do things like go to theatre, gigs, cinema, dance shows, museums, galleries etc that you wont get a chance to do for a few months or so after the baby arrives. Am sure some of your friends will be up for something a bit different to the pub.

BlueJellie Mon 25-Aug-08 22:23:51

I know exactly how u feel, one if the negatives about this pregnancy has been the isolation. My friends are out every weekend in pubs and clubs and I just don't feel that's my life any more. They don't understand it's not just the not drinking but I don't want to go out all dressed up etc as I feel like a heffalump at the mo in anything but my pyjamas! Do you guys think you will go out much after you've had your babies? Or is this how it is from here?

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 22:48:40

i'm told it's unrealistic to think i'll have a social life like i used to after this baby. all my friends dropped me the second my pregnancy was outed. they did it nicely, one by started by 'oh, we went to maddox but thought you wouldn't be interested' to 'we had coffee, but we heard coffee is bad for pregnancy' and then the excuses just stopped and the text messages stopped coming. when school ended the friends i'd had for the last 3 yrs all magically disappeared even though we all spent all our vacations and weekends together...despite me being married.

so now i'm stuck with just my husband whose friends also are still too young to be married and no where close to being fathers. it's been lonely for both of us.

i think what we plan on doing is a family night with me/him/baby at home with dinner and a movie, one night with him with the baby and i get a night off and one night that will be date night. (since i'll be a stay at home mom)...he can have one night a week monday-thursday that he can go out with his work mates and one night to go play football.

who knows if this is realistic or not, but i hope to be able to have a social life again one day. i feel a little sad that i'm not doing the things girls my age do. i feel left out.

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 22:49:38

oh, when i say school i mean uni

BlueJellie Mon 25-Aug-08 23:01:30

I can see this scenario playing out already, I get texts off friends asking how I am but there is never a second reply. They're basically asking to be polite but not interested enough to get into conversation about it. I am 21 and DP is 25 so will be a long time before any if our friends understand what we are going through. He has still gone out while I've been pregnant but not very much.

eandz Mon 25-Aug-08 23:15:41

my friends haven't texted me till this week and the only thing they've texted is stuff like "is the little monster here yet, xx" or "have you had the shrimp?"

i'm 24 and husband is 25 so finding people in committed relationships is hard. husband doesn't go out much though because he knows how lonely and sad i get. i'm pathetic.

dinkystinky Tue 26-Aug-08 09:13:10

EandZ, Bluejellie - you'll make loads of new friends once you've had your babies with other new mums who are going through the same stuff as you. My recommendation is to do as many pre-baby classes as you can and then baby massage, One o clock club, music classes, swimming classes etc with baby after they've arrived - I found my time on maternity leave with DS was so busy once he'd arrived and made tonnes of new friends. It does get better, honest.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Tue 26-Aug-08 12:56:12

I know how you all feel too - though my friends have been quite good so far I'm absoutely dreading that part of my life suddenly having a void when our baby arrives in october. I'm 25 and DH is 27 so it is harder when we're younger because NOBODY else our age is having babies!

Also, I don't want to replace my friends with mummy friends, I love my friends and have such long histories with them. I think part of the key is we all need to make the effort to see our friends without babies or without talking about babies...DH has already said he will look after the baby on evenings/weekend so I can see my friends, and I'm making a massive effort to invite myself to things and ask friends out for coffee/drinks/lunch now - I'm hoping that if I show how willing I am to make an effort, they'll reciprocate.

Trouble is as well that London is so big and everyone is so busy that you can't help but feel lonely once you're at home with a baby and everyone is at work during the day, let alone plans in the evening.

I'm meeting some local mums-2-be off mumsnet tongiht in my area (SW london), in the hope that if I have some mummy friends, I can get the baby talk out of my system when it comes to my other friends....

just wanted you all to know you're not alone!

eandz Tue 26-Aug-08 13:13:46

well in general, i do everything i can not to talk about the baby since my girlfriends think of my soon to be baby as a monster/shrimp anyway. somehow in my circle of friends getting pregnant and having children is a really negative thing and that i'm 'stuck' with a 'problem'. so i guess i have weird friends. but even when i'm seeing them one on one which happens (but rarely) they talk about themselves a lot more since i have nothing to say for myself if you see what i mean. (cuz nothings going on with me except antenatal classes, antenatal appointments and buying baby stuff) ...

Questionkid Tue 26-Aug-08 13:26:16

I'm definitely finding a huge divide between the friends of mine that have children and so understand what I'm going through and are genuinely interested in how I'm progressing and how I'm feeling, and the ones that don't and aren't even near and really can't relate to it.

I've got one friend who whenever I start talking about what's happening to my body, she tells me it makes her feel sick and can I stop. Charming.

Another cares about nothing but the fact that at 17 weeks I haven't got a bump yet (Mumsnet has been great at reassuring me that there's nothing abnormal about that!), but when someone constantly asks that question and looks disappointed when you say no, you can't help feeling inadequate. If only they took the time to understand how I'm feeling, how hormonal I am and what an enormous thing it is that I'm experiencing, maybe they'd be more sensitive? I must admit, I'm resigning myself to the fact that those particular friends probably won't remain really good ones for long, and instead I'll get closer to the ones who've got kids and make new friends through things like classes.

I live in Wallington, near Sutton, and would really like to start meeting up with people who can keep me company when my maternity leave comes around, but also who I can talk nothing but pregnancy to!

BlueJellie Tue 26-Aug-08 16:50:02

Yeah I try not to talk about my pregnancy but to be fair its a massive thing to be happening to me, and the ONLY thing at the moment - and it can be really demoralising when people aren't interested. I just have to let off steam on here! How do you get into all these baby clubs etc? Never heard of any of them - haven't even had my antenatal classes yet couldn't get in till 13th September so hope baby doesn't come early! I'm in the West Midlands by the way, not sure if we have as many facilities round here?

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