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How to tell future grandparents..who might not take the news well?

(50 Posts)
corgikelly Fri 22-Aug-08 11:46:39

I hate even having to post something like this, but I would really appreciate your help.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, so -- fingers crossed -- can gear up to start telling people about the good news in a couple of weeks. The problem? My parents.

When I told them a year ago that we were thinking of trying to conceive, they didn't take the news well. And when I told them in March that we were going ahead with assisted conception treatments, they handled it less well. The issue? I'm not married. They don't see a difference, I think, between an unplanned pregnancy at 15 years old and a more-than-planned for pregnancy at 37 in a stable, deeply loving 5-year relationship. Out-of-wedlock child = morally BAD, full stop.

So...how on earth do I tell them? I'm thrilled (though terrified) to be pregnant, and I hate the prospect of getting on the phone with them and hearing disapproving silence.

Lazarou Fri 22-Aug-08 11:48:12

IF they don't take it well it is their problem.
What are your dp's parents like?

Lomond Fri 22-Aug-08 11:50:32

I would tell them in person if possible, they may take it better than you think if they see they joy in your face.

Good luck, if you do get a bad reaction don't let them spoil it for you.

ilovemydog Fri 22-Aug-08 11:51:16

babies are always good news! smile

mazzystar Fri 22-Aug-08 11:52:09

first of all congratulations!

i would just tell them that you realise that they would wish your circumstances to be different, but you hope that they can be happy for you. and focus on the baby. show them a scan. their qualms may disappear once they meet their grandchild.

nervousal Fri 22-Aug-08 11:52:16

If they don't approve then it doesn't matter how you tell them. Who cares what they think anyway?

hollyandnoah Fri 22-Aug-08 11:57:56

Well done

Don't stress yourself out too much about this!
My dad went crazy at me :| His baby, having a baby??!! I was only 20 when i told him though, but it could have been worse!!
He didnt even mention me being pregnant, but when i went into labour, it was him who rushed to me in the car to get me to hospital, and he waited on me and was first to see ds.
He is great with ds now, and has admitted he was just scared for me!

Soooo dont let it get to you, as soon as he sees your tiny new baby, he will fall in love!

x

hollyandnoah Fri 22-Aug-08 11:57:56

Well done

Don't stress yourself out too much about this!
My dad went crazy at me :| His baby, having a baby??!! I was only 20 when i told him though, but it could have been worse!!
He didnt even mention me being pregnant, but when i went into labour, it was him who rushed to me in the car to get me to hospital, and he waited on me and was first to see ds.
He is great with ds now, and has admitted he was just scared for me!

Soooo dont let it get to you, as soon as he sees your tiny new baby, he will fall in love!

x

hollyandnoah Fri 22-Aug-08 11:58:11

sorry, double post

corgikelly Fri 22-Aug-08 11:58:27

DP's parents are both dead, so they don't have much to say in the matter. blush

Unfortunately, telling my parents in person isn't an option, as I live in Brussels and they live in Seattle.

Will try to keep in mind that there's nothing I can do to change their mindset, give them the information in the same happy manner I'd tell anyone else, and just hope for the best!

cathym Fri 22-Aug-08 11:58:30

I'd tell them on the phone. I always find difficult conversations are easier on the phone and you can get out of the conversation quicker if you want to, putting the phone down is easier than leaving someones house.
If they don't like the news don't dwell on it or let it spoil your happiness and pregnancy. Lifes too short to worry about what other people think

Peachy Fri 22-Aug-08 12:00:45

Congratulations!

Tell them on the phone I agree, what we did with MIL for forst three (ddnt even bother telling her about ds4, she heard on the grapevine anyway)

onepieceoflollipop Fri 22-Aug-08 12:02:15

My ils (for completely different reasons to yours) were underwhelmed (to say the least) when we announced that we were expecting dd2. We were very hurt.

I would recommend telling lots of other people your wonderful news either just before or just after you tell your parents. People that will be genuinely and utterly over the moon for you.

Congratulations btw, what fantastic news. I am really happy for you and I don't know you.

corgikelly Fri 22-Aug-08 12:36:28

Thank you! One of the best things about Mumsnet is the incredible feeling of support one gets from the other members!

laweaselmys Fri 22-Aug-08 12:57:56

I had the 'so are you getting married?' from my mother when me and DP went around to tell her about our baby a few weeks ago. I stood my ground and explained that since we had a baby on the way a wedding was the least of the things on our mind at the minute, and reassured her we would take all the legal precautions to make sure we would be in a similar legal position to married couples when the DC is born. I think it also helped that we didn't say we weren't ever going to get married but we weren't going to just because we were having a baby either.

She got over it, but I confess to being really annoyed and angry about it! Just be patient and they'll come round, and probably forget about it entirely when the DC turns up! (At least I hope so...)

Mamazon Fri 22-Aug-08 13:00:44

you tell them in the same ahhpy excited way you wuld tell anyone.

if they cannot be happy for their daughter and the prospect of a grandchild simply because of an antiquated moral code then that is their problem.

Tell them that you have had to fight hard for this child and that you will not alloe their attutude to be a negative energy around this child.

AnnVan Fri 22-Aug-08 13:10:58

I feel your pain - my dad is a preacher, and very evangelical/fundementalist. My parents bleong to the you're doomed/ judgemental school of christianity unfortunately.
When I got pregnant, I was terrified of telling them. THey weren't happy, but they adjusted gradually to the idea. They STILL keep dropping comments about getting married though. Why can't they accept we'll do that in our own time?
Funny thing is, if they're scared of me ending up on my own with a child, why don't they realise that being married doesn't stop men leaving. If DP was the type to leave me in the lurch with a baby, he would do it regardless of a marriage certificate!
Oh and here's a corker, when I had miscarriage, my sister said 'when you told me you were pregnant I knew it wouldn't last. Cos I just have this feeling you're going to keep losing babies until you get married, cos this is something God wants you to do right.' BTW that's a word for word quote. She said it less than two weeks after my m/c. (am now 39 wks pregnant, no sign of losing this one, ha!)

ChocOrange05 Fri 22-Aug-08 13:51:59

Corgi I have no new advice to add but just wanted to say good luck and of course congratulations!

corgikelly Fri 22-Aug-08 14:20:03

laweasel, I think your comment about the legal position is spot on (and related to AnnVan's comment about fearing their daughter will end up in the lurch) -- especially as I'm an only child, I bet my protective father is fretting and foaming about that very issue. Thanks for the reminder!

And AnnVan, hearing your story helps me put mine in perspective. Your sister's comment was horrible -- talk about a perversion of "Christian charity" or what have you!

Heated Fri 22-Aug-08 14:27:49

Had a phone call from my fundamentalist uncle telling me he'd had a dream about me falling from a cliff into the fire! He had no idea what this meanthmm - maybe there was something in my personal life God didn't agree with - but he felt he had to phone and tell me.

I was living with dp at the time.

My aunt then got on the phone and told me "if your mother were still alive..."

Sheesh, rellies...!

crokky Fri 22-Aug-08 14:30:04

Scan photo sent to them in card

AbbeyA Fri 22-Aug-08 14:30:36

I would phone them up and tell them the news, say that you are thrilled and you hope that they will share your joy. I should keep it short and after they have reflected I am sure that they will accept it.

rrrayray Fri 22-Aug-08 14:30:41

corgikelly i can sympathise with you massively. We had the same dilema.

OH and i, whislt engaged, aren't married. We have put the wedding off for a year as OH was insistent that he wanted at least one little one at the wedding. I am 17 wks pg by the way.

I was terrified of telling MY parents (we knew his would be tickled pink) as my parents are quite religious, and we thought would like your parents frown on the morals of it, despite the fact we've been together for five years and are planning our wedding. We eventually came to the feeling that we didn't need their approval, and once the bubba arrived they would almost certianly come round to it.

However, we needent have worried. While i think they would have like your parents frowned on the idea of us trying (we didn't tell anyone we were) when they were faced with the fact the deed was already done they were and are great. Nothing negative was said to us at all, i heard via my sister that my mother wishes we had waited until we were married, but fully accpets this is our life.

They knows we are happy, stable, loving couple, who can easily afford to bring up a baby (i know that would be a worry of my dad's if it wasn't the case!) and are now over the moon. They have just returned from holiday with a little hoodie for "Bean"

The only advice i can give is to catch them in a good mood.... i first told them about my degree classification being a first class degree, and then followed with........ And we're having a baby!

Worked a trick, celebrations all round.

sorry, i know i've written alot, but finally, the most important thing for now is YOU and OH are having a baby that YOU want..... Enjoy your pregnancy, whateveer happens with telling your parents, even if they aren't great at first. They'll come around.

Good luck xxxxxx

greenlawn Fri 22-Aug-08 16:26:55

Hello and congratulations! Never been in this situation myself, but a good friend of mine had a terrible time with her parents when she announced her pregnancy - because her dp is a different religion.

Some years down the line the relationship between her/her dp (now dh) and her parents is not fantastic but they have managed to maintain it for the sake of their daughter/the granddaughter. So they've managed to keep their different views about things separate from their love for her, which is great.

Oh and by the way, in our very traditional pre-prep school that my dcs attend I can assure you that NOT all the parents are married! Some are unmarried but in a relationship, and some are shock horror single parents! So if they're worried about what people think they needn't be. Times have changed massively, and while your parents might not like it, they are going to have to accept it.

Rubyrubyruby Fri 22-Aug-08 16:30:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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