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Will they talk about it?

(83 Posts)
notpregyet Wed 20-Aug-08 16:40:22

I'm not pregnant yet but thinking of trying soon.

A LONG LONG time ago i had an abortion. I was very young, it was about ten years before i even met my husband. I had double contraception failure (condom and MAP) and it was absolutely the right thing to do as i went on to get my degree and allow my then boyfriend to do his phd. We would not have made it together as a couple and i can offer a child a thousand times more now than i could have back then in terms of emotional maturity.

I haven't talked to my husband about it because it is not something i ever think about. He didn't know me then and might find it hard to believe that i was a less capable person back then who would have struggled with a child.

If i get pregnant now, will the doctors and nurses talk about it? Is it something i have to make sure my husband knows about before i try to get pregnant again? If so, i want to do it now before TTC becomes an emotional issue but if they wont mention it then i'd rather not bring it up as i'm sure he'll be supportive but it might upset him now that we're both older and thinking of having children.

Thanks.

kormachameleon Wed 20-Aug-08 16:44:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogie Wed 20-Aug-08 16:45:06

They will ask if you have been pregnant before. You don't have to tell them. If you want to you can tell the midwife at your booking in appointment when you do get pregnant and ask her not to refer to it or write it in your notes.

If you didn't have any infection or complications after the abortion it shouldn't have any relevance to your future pregnancies. Its up to you, really.

MiniMarmite Wed 20-Aug-08 16:46:36

In my hospital notes it says that this information can be kept confidential i.e. the doctor/midwife will need to know about it but it can be recorded separately.

I don't know how practical this is in reality and maybe others can advise you on this.

I've found the whole pregnancy thing an emotional rollercoaster and you may find that you want to tell your hubby once you do fall pregnant...I do't know of course, just something to think about.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

FlirtyThirty Wed 20-Aug-08 16:48:29

Hello!

When I went ot my GP to tell them I was pregnant, one of the questions was 'have you ever had a miscarriage or termination'. I have had neither so she just moved on...but I would imagine that a 'yes' response would have prompted her to ask some other basic questions: when, what happened...etc. I imagine that when I go for the booking in appointment, the midwife may ask me again. Your DH does not need to be with you on either of these occasions, so in theory, I can't see why he would need to be exposed to this information... I am sure you could ask them to keep this information confidential too.

Flirty x

havechangedmyname Wed 20-Aug-08 16:49:34

I agree with minimarmite, I did think about the termination I had 10 years ago whilst pregnant after not thinking about it for a long time. I decided to tell my DH when we started trying and I am really glad I did. Not that we talked about it all during my pregnancy or that it was raised by mw and medical staff. I just felt it was a secret that I needed to share with him before we moved on with our relationship and started a family. He was great by the way.

crokky Wed 20-Aug-08 16:50:54

You get hand held notes that you retain yourself during pregnancy. You have to take them to all appointments. In this booklet, it asks for details of all previous pregnancies. You should tell the midwife, but I'd get her to record it on her computerised notes etc and not on your hand held notes that are knocking around your house.

notpregyet Wed 20-Aug-08 16:58:22

Thanks.

I don't like the idea of actively keeping it 'secret' because it's not like that so i guess if it's going to come up then i have to talk about it...

... maybe after my 'booking-in' i can come home and say 'oh they asked me this and so i told them and realised i had never talked to you about it...'

MiniMarmite Wed 20-Aug-08 17:10:07

I'm sure you'll find a way to raise it with him if that's what you ultimately decide to do. As you said earlier, it might be easier to talk about it now, before TTC.

Good luck smile

LongLiveCuckoo Wed 20-Aug-08 17:12:02

I do remember when I had a miscarriage I had to tick on a form my previous pregnancies and how they had ended, eg, live birth, termination, miscarriage.

But nobody ASKED me if I remember outright.

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 17:12:21

Hi, i was in the same situation 10 yrs ago when i was pg with dd1, i had a termination at 17 after pill failed and my boyfriend at the time was sleeping with my friend sad i knew i could not be tied to this man for the rest of my life. I told my dp he was fine in fact i think it had a positive effect on our relationship because there was no Q for me about having the baby with him and i think it made our relationship much stronger. So much so that i'm now 8 weeks pg with our 3rd!!! When you are being booked in and they are asking your history you dont have to disclose your termination i never have and there has never been any q's about it. Hope you decide what is right for you xx

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Aug-08 18:49:34

I have herpes and it's in my notes, when the MW saw it when I was being monitored at hospital she discreetly asked me to call back to discuss 'something in my notes' as my DH was there. They are very hot on confidentiality. I would tell the MW as they like to know how many pregs you have had previously but there is no reason why DH would want/need to read your notes is there? Ask her to put a * next to it and write confidential?

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 19:05:52

Kat2907 herpes is a bit a bit different as its something that you could pass to baby or partner(it is something that your partner should know), having a termination has no bearing on your current pg unless it was on medical grounds. And it will be written into your notes that you keep with you even if you want it confidential so there is the huge possibility that her hubby/dp will want to read these.

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 19:07:00

I mean it will be written in if you tell them that is.

nervousal Wed 20-Aug-08 19:08:51

when I was preg they asked how many pregnancies I'd had - but it never appeared in my hand held notes. If DP didn't already know then he would not have found out about it. When I told midwife I'd had a termination they didn't ask any further questions about it at all.

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 19:11:37

I had pervious mc and they put it in my notes and even when i was in labour they where still asking q about previous pg's and marking things down about it.

Cherub35 Wed 20-Aug-08 19:33:03

I am a new parent to be and my boyfriend has 3 kids from a previous marriage of 14 years.

Ever since I got pregnant he tooks to me but not about the baby like it doesn't exist. He says he knows what I am going through because he been through it 3 other times.

I can't understand why he can't except that all children are different and I am not like his x everyone different.

He just got transferred to another state so he always wants me to go down there but when I ask him to come up here he says he can't cause of work or the kids.

I having a heard time believing the he is acting this way.

Is anyone else going through this? I thought have a baby should be full of happy moments not full of questions about whether or not I should be with the baby father. It not like we are kids he is a mature man.

PetitFilou1 Wed 20-Aug-08 19:48:23

notpregyet I had a termination aged 18 while at University for similar reasons. I have been asked about it at all three booking appointments when I got pregnant again - over 10 years later the first time. They will ask you at what stage you had the termination (ie how many weeks pregnant you were) and the year it was done in. That's it. I didn't like bringing it up but it is part of my medical history so that's life.
My dh has always known about it. I couldn't imagine keeping it a secret from him. Imo it would be better to tell your dh if for no other reason than ttc may bring up issues for you that you didn't know were there iykwim.

PetitFilou1 Wed 20-Aug-08 19:49:12

Cherub35 Did you mean to post on this thread???

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Aug-08 20:01:34

broodymum you are missing my point. No they don't have to tell your partner - that's my choice (I got it from him but that's not the point) to tell or not, which is why they didn't say it out loud while he was there, until I said it was ok. The point is that they respect confidentiality.
Thanks for the moralising though, that was really called for.

LaVieEnRose Wed 20-Aug-08 20:08:57

No it's not your choice Kat2907, it can effect your unborn child and so yes the father of that child has every right to know.

broodymom wasn't moralising, just stating a fact.

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 20:13:01

cherub i feel really sorry for you, my dp has children from a prevoius relationship which can be hard but you both really have to want the relationship to work to make it through hard times. Me and my dp have been together for over 10 yrs and we have 2 dds and a 3rd on the way and he treats all of or children (and me)fantastic and thats the way it should be, maybe he feels a bit guilty for his other children that he is having another with a diferent person. Hope you get on ok xx

broodymom Wed 20-Aug-08 20:16:22

Kat sorry if i offended you, i truely did not mean to. i just meant that telling about an existing condition that can affect all partys is a lot different than a painfull past that will have no bearing on the future of your pg.

waggledancer Wed 20-Aug-08 21:15:13

Sorry broodymom and lavieenrose, but it absolutely is kat's right to keep anything she chooses confidential. Doesn't matter whether that's a previous termination, a sexually transmitted disease or being HIV positive. All health professionals are obliged to keep confidentiality, and can be justifiably sued if they don't.

Where I work confidential information is kept in main hospital notes not in hand held, so it's only accessible to health professionals

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Aug-08 21:18:49

Lol
no, it IS my right not to tell my DH if I have a sexually transmitted disease. Morally maybe I should tell him but in every other way I don't have to, and the hospital don't have the right to tell him.
The reason they asked me discreetly to call back was to discuss the potential implications for the child - and to give me the respect to keep it from my DH if that's my choice.
This has gone off the point though. And I'd like to point out again that it was my DH that gave it to me and he obviously knows I have it.

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