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i feel so useless

(19 Posts)
rarebreed Tue 12-Aug-08 17:34:18

I feel so low today, am a lurker just looking for someone to talk to really.

Some of you might remebmber my AIBU post from a few weeks ago re my OH going to France for a holiday a couple of weeks before our PFB is due. He is still going, and i've given up trying to talk to him about it, he says i'm trying to control his life and him cancelling the hol is OUT OF THE QUESTION.

I feel like my life is falling apart, i want this baby so much but he thinks i'm useless, always making out im useless, he tells me he doesnt love me or care about me and that he is selfish and will always put himself first, the thing is he hasnt always been like this and i when i said that to him he said i have made him this way. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and he thinks im lazy because i dont spend every waking hour cleaning the house. I try to do a bit each day and our house never looks like a tip but he is never happy with me. I really think that if i left he wouldnt care, i try to talk to him about how i feel but he just gets angry and defensive and tells me to get out if im so unhappy.
I dont know what to do, i havent been out anywhere for the past couple of weeks, i just want to curl up in bed and hide from everyone which is awful when i have so many friends that care about me, but what will i say, im miserable and have a OH that hates me and thinks im useless?

I'm sorry for the rant, i just dont know what to do anymore.

StarlightMcKenzie Tue 12-Aug-08 17:37:05

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rarebreed Tue 12-Aug-08 17:41:14

she is due 21st sept, so about 6 weeks to go now.
He says all these horrible things to me and then later on he will try it on with me when we are in bed, i've got no sex drive at the moment and when i say no he shouts at me for rejecting him all the time, i dont understand how his mind works.

One day he says he doesnt love or care about me, and then the next day he says of course he loves me and why am i in a mood with him? hmm

MiniMarmite Tue 12-Aug-08 17:41:37

Hi Rarebreed
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Sorry to ask, but is your OH happy about your pregnancy? Has his attitude towards you changed since you became pregnant?

rarebreed Tue 12-Aug-08 17:43:56

He seemed happy, she was planned and he seemed to want it as much as i did at the time, but he recently said to me that i have used him to get this baby, and now ive got her what have i got to be upset about.

star6 Tue 12-Aug-08 17:46:50

Are you close with his mum at all? Does she live nearby? Or his dad?

StarlightMcKenzie Tue 12-Aug-08 17:49:01

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ChocOrange05 Tue 12-Aug-08 17:50:44

Rarebreed I am so sorry you are feeling like this, what your OH is doing to you is not fair and not right. As Starlight says it does seem, from what you have said, that he is mentally abusing you which is just not acceptable.

I don't know if on here is the right place to get the best advice, I am certainly not experienced in this, so do you have anyone else you can talk to? Does your OH know he is making you feel this way - if he won't listen properly what about writing it down? Once you do this I think you can make a decision about how you go forward - whether you decide to pursue your relationship and pregnancy with him or on your own.

I suggest talking to your GP as you should be able to get a referral to a counseller for some proper advice. This really isn't something you should go through during pregnancy and could put undue stress on you and bump so the sooner you try to resolve it the better.

Good luck to you - I really hope things work out and you have your baby in a happy environment for both of you.

x x x

star6 Tue 12-Aug-08 17:51:15

does he actually say that he doesn't love you or care about you? That "if you're so unhappy then get out" comment sort of shows that he knows you won't leave, especially if the very next day he's telling you of course he loves you...
Could you spend a few nights away at a friend's house (or family) to send him a message? Not sure if this is the very best way of dealing with it (so please no one attack me for the suggestion) just an idea to wake him up to the idea that he cannot jerk your emotions around like that and he needs to appreciate you more.

rarebreed Tue 12-Aug-08 17:55:07

I know you are right, have spoken to mum when i was feeling low a few months ago, she stayed in an unhappy marriage for far too long before she got out, and has said she doesnt want me ever be in that situation and would help me sort something out. I just feel like a failure, this isnt how my life was supposed to be.

I own half of this house, there is absolotely (sp) no way i would be able to pay the mortgage by myself if me and OH split up, would i even have a chance of getting a council flat for me and my baby? My mum would take us in no problem but i couldnt stay there for long, her house is very small.

MiniMarmite Tue 12-Aug-08 17:55:34

I don't know what he was like before you fell pregnant so I might have the wrong end of the stick here but it sounds like he's very scared about becoming a father (which is no excuse at all for his behaviour of course, but might help explain it). It sounds like he's not really comfortable talking about his feelings but it might be worth a try or, as star6 says, talking to his Mum or Dad if you can.

Your midwife might be able to offer support too as it is not uncommon for things like this to start during pregnancy.

It is also worth talking to Relate if you can, either on your own or with him if he would agree to it. They also run a 'partners to parents' course in some areas:

rarebreed Tue 12-Aug-08 17:58:19

Thanks everyone for the quick response, really appreciate it smile

I asked him if he cared about me, i said if you see i am upset, does it make you upset, and he said 'no' but he didnt know why he felt like that.

lauraloola Tue 12-Aug-08 17:59:29

It sounds like you might have pre natal depression. I had this and shut myself away from everyone and started to hate my dp. I only realised once dd was born. Go and see your midwife or gp for some advice.

With regards to your dp. Let him go on his holiday. I bet he regrets it as soon as he is gone. Plus, you can go on shopping trips and buy loads of pink!!

Do you have family who near by you?

MiniMarmite Tue 12-Aug-08 17:59:35

Refuge might be able to help advise you re housing etc:

star6 Tue 12-Aug-08 18:00:39

I agree minimarmite... he's probably scared about all of the change. Especially if it's just changed since the pregnancy. Hopefully it's something that can be sorted out with him. But if he continues to be like this and so mentally abusive, it might be best to get out, but that's something you would have to decide.
Life takes lots of unexpected twists and turns... just because something turns out a bit differently than you had envisioned does not by any means make you a failure.
Do you still love him?

StarlightMcKenzie Tue 12-Aug-08 18:06:18

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MiniMarmite Tue 12-Aug-08 18:09:35

Totally agree with Starlight

StarlightMcKenzie Tue 12-Aug-08 18:14:36

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bikerunski Tue 12-Aug-08 18:40:19

Several years ago a friend of mine was in this situation. She had the baby and stayed with her partner. When he started hitting her a few weeks laster, she saved up what she could (she wasn't working and only had the child allowance), until she could afford a train ticket to her mum's. She left with the baby and what she could carry one evening when he was out. She hasn't seem him since, and he has never tried to contact her. She says she could tolerate him hitting her, but not him hitting the baby, and wasn't prepared to take the risk.

She now has a new life and her child (now about 9ish) is just gorgeous and doesn't seem to have been affected by the first few weeks of his life. She is married to one of the loveliest men I have ever met, she is doing a course at college and has a new baby.

She says she didn't know how good life could be until she left her original partner and is fabulously happy. She oozes self esteem.

Please seek some help!

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