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I don't like my midwife

(32 Posts)
Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:02:28

I don't know if I am being 'picky', but after meeting the midwife asigned to me at my NHS doctors surgery - I am less than impressed with her. This is my first pregnancy so I was dismayed at her total lack of enthusiasum or interest. On our first meeting she was strictly'to business' and only interested in her check off list of questions. At no point did she ask how I felt about the pregnancy, was it planned,etc (as it happens we are delighted after trying for a few months). I felt as though she was more interested in getting rid of me than building a good relationship. I understand that she does this day in day out - but surely a little bit of friendly support isn't too much to ask!hmm
My question is - do I have to go to her when I have a pregnancy related illness/problem or can I book an appointment with my doctor instead? My mother in law was a midwife for 20 years but retired 10 years ago, so I feel I can get general advice from her rather than my actual midwife - or is this unwise based on how long ago she retired?
This is all new to me - help!

DisenchantedPlusBump Thu 24-Jul-08 21:04:27

When you say 'assigned to you' what do you mean?

Every midwife i see at my GP or hospital is a different one,

and theres no saying she will be there at the birth, its who ever is on duty at the time.

Tangle Thu 24-Jul-08 21:12:34

At our surgery care is split such that I had alternate appointments with the MW and my GP. Your GP should be able to help you if you'd rather talk to them.

Having an experienced MIL could be a very useful backstop (and you can always double check any info you think may have been updated with the MWs on here) as long as you get on with her well...

And if you really don't like this MW you are perfectly within your rights to request you are attended by someone else, although as DPB points out you may not see them very much anyway. Plus everyone has an off day or very busy ones. Maybe give her another chance and then see how you feel - I think a lot of NHS midwives are so overworked its difficult to get as personal as they'd like as they just don't have the time

Oh - and congratulations on your pregnancy

thisisyesterday Thu 24-Jul-08 21:13:29

I am sure she is interested, but unfortunately most midwives tend to get a max 10 min slot for each woman and it is hard for them I think.

why don't you see how it goes next time before making the judgement call.
It seems like a bit of a waste of a doctors time, when all they really need to do is check your pee and your blood pressure?

Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:13:34

My GP surgery only has one Midwife that works from there - so I don't have the oppurtunity to see anyone else - unless perhaps I change surgery. Apparantly she is the midwife I will see throughout and after my pregnancy - but she won't be at the hospital when I give birth as she says that is down to the midwives on the ward to deal with???

WhatsupDoc Thu 24-Jul-08 21:21:02

I saw lots of midwives for DD1, but one in particular was awful. Really dreadful.

When I got pregnant again another midwife (the lovely one) said I was within my rights to request not to see the awful one. So I said yes and never had to see the witch!

Maybe see if you get a better one next time and ask to see just her in future?

DontNeedAnything Thu 24-Jul-08 21:21:20

OK. You will see your MW for routine appointments at the GP surgery. Probably abpit 8ish times during preg. Just think of every visit as 1 less time you will have to see her grin.

If you are ill between times see your GP. Often you can't contact your MW anyway, she is probbaly only at your surgery for 1 day per week, she will be at another surgery/doing home visits erst of time (unless she gives you her mobile. Most don't). MWs can't prescribe anyway, so GPs have that advantage. I never saw my MW other than for routine appointments.

Unless she participates in a "domino" scheme or you have a home birth you will have a different MW delivering. And even if she is a domino or homebirth chances are you will get someone else anyway.

WRT to teh after the birth visits. It is unlikely she will do them all. You will be visited on certain days and if she has a clinic to run or is not on the weekend rota someone else from the "catchment area" will do it. She did about 2 out of 4 of mine.

HTH

Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:21:58

Aha - I guess I may be being a little hasty ! I am due to see her again when I reach 15 weeks ( I am 9 weeks today!) so I will keep an open mind.
I am perhaps simply worrying too much about everything at the moment, and yes, I am extremely lucky that my MIL has so much previous experiance of this. When I told my MIL about it she was really disapointed that one of her 'kind' had let the side down!
Another thing - she may have been in a bad mood as the lady before me hadn't turned up - so I may have born the brunt of her frustrations - I will make an effort to beam at her next time and hopefully we'll get off on a better footing.
Thanks for putting my mind at ease a little!

georgimama Thu 24-Jul-08 21:22:43

You aren't expecting the midwife who does your antenatal care to deliver your baby are you? You'll be lucky, unless you have domino care in your area and I thought that was non existent now.

I had three different midwives do my ante natal, a goddess of a midwife delivered DS (I wish I could have packed her into my bag and taken her home) and then completely different MW to the antenatal care doing postnatal. Never saw the antenatal ones again.

WhatsupDoc Thu 24-Jul-08 21:23:14

I also found that midwives seem to get more interested in you as your pregnancy progresses - when they have real 'stuff' to do (like feeling baby's position, listening to heartbeat etc)

MsHighwater Thu 24-Jul-08 21:25:36

Where are you, Mocheenee? The system you describe sounds like what I had (I'm in Scotland). She'll be part of a team of community midwives, though, so if you really don't get on with her, you should be able to ask to see someone else.

Might be a good idea to give her a chance, though. The first visit, as I recall, is all about gathering and giving fairly standard bits of information with relatively little time for niceties.

DontNeedAnything Thu 24-Jul-08 21:25:43

Thats very true WhatsUpDoc.

When they start poking and making random comments about the bump, they do start to seem a little more personal.

Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:26:02

Thanks again - I won't feel a pest if I need to see my GP in between MW appointments - as someone who suffers from migraines I am sure I will need a visit sooner or later.

Tangle Thu 24-Jul-08 21:26:17

If you decide you really don't like this midwife you have the right to see someone else. The midwife will be part of a team of CMWs based with one of your local hospitals - you could be assigned to one of the other MWs in the team (which would most likely require you to attend MW appointments at a different surgery) or you may be able to have ante-natal appointments at the hospital. Neither of these options should require you to change GP.

If you want to pursue it have a dig around on aims - I'm sure they've the correct info, but I think you'd need to contact the supervisor of midwives at the hospital.

Unfortunately, you are unlikley to be attended by a MW you know if you give birth in hospital. If you choose a homebirth its more likely (you'll get someone from the CMW team, which tends to be quite small). If you want to guarantee it then you're most likely looking at an independent midwife - they're expensive, but ours were worth their weight in gold.

thisisyesterday Thu 24-Jul-08 21:28:05

and don't be afraid to say "we're so excited you know, we'd been trying for a while"
or whatever, just to get it a bit more chatty

Pinkveto Thu 24-Jul-08 21:28:46

You do have a fair few appointments to build a relationship with her, and bear in mind, very cynically, and medically orientated, and depressing as you are clearly delighted to be pregnant, you are only booking. A reasonable number of pregancies don't progress.

The booking visit is basically to establish if you are indeed a candidate for community based care, if there are any markers for you being likely to need extra input etc etc.

But if you are unimpressed, you can probably be seen at your local hospital, still under midwifery led care if you are low risk.

Can I suggest from experience that that is hideous - I waited an hour and a half to be seen and I actually work there, was on duty, and in scrubs. (Come to think of it, maybe thats why I was waiting for an hour and a half...!)

Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:28:48

Hi MsHighwater - I am in Solihull in the West Midlands.
I can't wait to have a bump big enough to be poked and prodded !! Bring it on!!

Heated Thu 24-Jul-08 21:28:56

That first meeting is essentially an admin one to get all extensive paperwork in place and the tests rolling, so your relationship with her will develop as the pg progresses. She probably didn't have time to chat. Btw my mw never asked if the baby was planned! She won't, I wouldn't think, be the one who delivers your baby, and will probably make up one of a team who visit you at home after the birth.

thisisyesterday Thu 24-Jul-08 21:29:21

actually I agree with whatsupdoc too. that first visit is pretty brief and to the point.

see how you go at the next visit

mazzystar Thu 24-Jul-08 21:30:53

Congratulations!

You may find that she's a bit more interested and involved as time goes on - apart from some critical bits of info to exchange, there's not usually an awful lot else to talk about with a low-risk, normal early pregnancy. In my experience the early appointments tend to be brief and purposeful, so that midwives can spend a bit more time with you later on.

I have never been asked whether my pg was planned [actually I think that might have seemed a bit unprofessional]

I suppose that I am saying that maybe your expectations are a wee bit unrealistic, and to give her a chance.

Round here community midwives only attend home births, its the luck of the draw at the hospital.

ilovemydog Thu 24-Jul-08 21:33:31

I had a lovely midwife, but generally, you only ever see them for routine check ups (you have a yellow book?)

I'd just go with the flow - see her for the appointed times, and treat it as a business transaction.

You are so fortunate to have a mil who was a midwife for the help/support issues.

And if you need medical treatment, you'll see your GP anyway.

If you decide on a hospital birth, then it would depend whether it's a consultant led or midwife led unit, but hospital midwives are separate.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Mocheenee Thu 24-Jul-08 21:34:50

My husband was actually very keen to let his mom attend me at the birth - despite his best intentions ;
A - I doubt it is allowed (I hope not anyway)
B - i don't really want his mom that up close and personal if you get my meaning!

I guess we have enough enthusiasm - and as you say - I have time to build on the relationship with the MW.

I guess my disappoinment at the 1st meeting took over from logic. blush Let's see if things go better next time.

WhatsupDoc Thu 24-Jul-08 21:44:02

Mocheenee, where I live you are allowed a max of 2 people in with you when you deliver

You write it on your birth plan, and the hospital doesn't mind who it is. So if your DH wants your MIL it would be allowed.

Time to start negotiating with hubby methinks (no no no!!)

WhatsupDoc Thu 24-Jul-08 21:44:02

Mocheenee, where I live you are allowed a max of 2 people in with you when you deliver

You write it on your birth plan, and the hospital doesn't mind who it is. So if your DH wants your MIL it would be allowed.

Time to start negotiating with hubby methinks (no no no!!)

ilovemydog Thu 24-Jul-08 21:47:00

Think you can have who you want at your birth, but can imagine the disappointment to be so enthusiastic and have someone who is somehwat jaded,and not treating the whole pregnancy as a cause for celebration!

Your husband was probably thinking that his mom knew all about it all, and was an expert,not that he didn't want to be there - I assume!

Surely with a mom for a midwife,your DH at least understands the birth process? Or is this exactly the reason he thought his mom should hold your hand?

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