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did your friends change during your pregnancy?(8 Posts)
the thread about the first trimester got me wondering if anyone else has experienced a change in their social circle during pregnancy?
i have friends both with and without children and have found some of my childless friends have very little understanding of just how much being pregnant can affect you.
one of my friends asked how i was (the last time i felt up to going down the pub) and when i said 'really tired' she sort of huffed and said 'your always tired nowadays'. well sorry that you lost your drinking buddy..... i had to explain to her the effect being pregnant has on your body. i have to admit i have sooooo much more respect for my friends with children as i had never truly understood just how much pregnancy changes your life, but i'm sure i was never that insensitive.
did your social cirlce change during pregnancy and what about after the birth? did you find you lost touch with friends who you honestly thought would be there your whole life?
My best friend is dealing reasonably well with the loss of her drinking buddy but being a gym-conscious kind of person I get the impression she is more horrified when I tell her things like how big my tummy is getting. I've already told her that after the baby comes I won't be able to have 2 hour phone calls with her whilst she rants about some bloke at work that she fancies - and she has accepted that quite well.
I worry sometimes that I bang on about my pregnancy too much to my childfree friends - but then again some of them seem overly curious about it, always asking me what it feels like (generally when I say "my boobs have gone mad and I have wicked heartburn" they stop asking ).
Fortunately I have quite a few friends with kids / pregnant friends, I wouldn't like to be the first one in my social circle to have kids as I think that could be very isolating.
Before I was very, very focused on myself sport and training for triathlons and also in winter snowboarding. I had lots of male friends and sporty friends, but also went out drinking, dinners etc...
Now I spend much more time with dh, and fill the time I spent doing sport with girlie friends (most of which are single and have no children). although usually its going for lunch, sometimes dinner. Definitely not going drinking or to pubs. Lots of the sporty friends and male friends have disappeared or slipped into the background. the new girlfriends all seem to be curious and interested in the pregnancy (could be the age though as I'm 33 most are thinking a bit about babies....)
I dictate more with my friends what I want to do and what I feel comfortable doing. If it doesn't suit them then I don't care, I don't go. If they don't understand I am tired or don't want to go to a bar where i have to stand for hours in a smoke filled room then that's their problem. I wouldn't enjoy it and I wouldn't be good company so better not go.
I am lucky that one of my best girl, sporty friends has a 7 month old so we have become closer friends since I have been pregnant and are planning how we can manage looking after the babies and doing sport together.
I expect most of the other girlfriends will disappear after the baby is born as we will not have as much interest in each other and I won't have time.
There are a few friends that will be around forever, but as some disappear new ones with more in common will come and fill teh space. I think that's a positive complement to the changing phases in life.
I also think that some friends with slightly older children can be a pain in the ass too. I have a friend who I thought would really support me with this pregnancy (she had 2 kids, 7 and 3) my 2nd pregnancy with 1 dd already (2, 3/4) But it seems that she is more interested in moving on with her life and doing other things now her 2 are a bit older. I am feeling that she isn't being very sympathetic with my feelings and pregnancy and is pushing her current career choices verbally down my throat, whilst I'm thinking about having my 2nd baby in 7 weeks???? I don't really get how women that know what it's like to go through pregnancy, hormones and childbirth can just turn off the switch and forget everything in the past and not have sympathies with other mothers. She isn't particularly maternal, so I can only assume this is where the problem lies. The last thing I want to do is talk about myself all day and I haven't moaned hardly at all about being pregnant, but I wish she'd have the respect to realise that my mind is just in another place at the moment. We seem to be on completely different wavelenghs at the moment and I feel like giving up talking to her.
Sorry rant over
What bothers me is the constant subliminal message that one musn't bore other people (for that read childless/free women) with stuff about pregnancy and babies!!
I am very aware of this, so much so that sometimes after meeting up with people I am angry with myself for having referred so little to my children.
However....it's a shame that it doesn't work the other way. Has has already been suggested on this thread, there are people who will assume that you are enthralled by their love lives,career quandaries and so on.
I remember a very dear friend (no kids )asking me to meet her for lunch when I was practically 9 mths pregnant. I sat on a horrid chair feeling extremely uncomfortable for about 2 hours while she went on and on and on..
She phoned me later that night to tell me that she thought I looked a bit 'low' and was everything ok? ()
Same woman called on me when ds was about 5 weeks old (dh away)settled herself in my lounge and proceeded to discuss her dodgy Nigerian 'student'
boyfriend and new Pilates class for 5 hours!!!
And yet, if she is with anyone who dares breathe a word about babies, she harrumphs,gathers up her phone and handbag and is off, muttering about 'bloody kids' under her breath.
It has (and continues to ) tested my friendship with her to the limit.
Anyway, why shouldn't we bang on about our babies/children!!!!!???
(Noone listens to anyone else anyway when it comes to baby boasting, but that's a whole new thread!)
When I told one of my best friends that I was pregnant it was just before she got married. The first thing she said was "wow", then "you are still coming on the hen weekend aren't you" and then "we'll still be able to have our weekends away won't we".
She didn't really get it. She does now!
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