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Any pg ladies with husbands who work v long hours? How do you/will you cope?

(31 Posts)
kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 20:09:54

Just had a bit of a blub on the phone to my hubby because he's not going to be back till 10 tonight and I miss him all the time. He works in a bank and mostly I'm fine pottering, on MN, cooking nice dinner etc but occasionally I just want him there.

How do you cope when hubby works long hours? He leaves at 6am and doesn't usually get back till 8/8.30 - this will be a scarily long time with a baby I think. I'm very excited and happy to become a mum but am also realistic that it will be quite tough and wonder if anyone has tips for coping with this.

I am having a hard time at the mo because I don't know many people who work part time/from home so am at a bit of a loss for what to do with my days. Normally I make cakes for kids parties but am having so much pain wiht my back/pelvis that I don't want to do anymore in case it makes it worse. Most of my good friends work full time and aren't around during the day so I guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely. Any advice gratefully received. Sorry for ramble!

elizabethbob Thu 17-Jul-08 20:21:19

Mine works really long hours. Last 6 weeks he's rarely been home before 1 or 2am. I just call him lots!! It's not so bad at the moment as I'm still working although I'm generally home by 6. Not sure what it'll be like when I'm off...

I haven't really got any advice. It is frustrating. We just try and spend quality time together at the weekend, talk on the phone and text each other. And I tend to phone friends in the evenings or try and arrange to meet up with them.

Are you going to do NCT? You may meet people through that to see in the daytimes.

Not sure if that helps but I guess it's good to know you're not the only one with a husband working insanely long hours!

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 20:27:26

Yes, planning to do NCT - but that's not for another month or so as it's a crammer course. Plannign to go to a homebirth session on 1st aug to meet people but it still seems a long way away.

Must be horrible if yr DH is working that long, he must be exhausted. I can't call mine v much because he's too busy to chat generally. It's wonderful that he can support me but I just wish he could be around more. cheers for support!

hatcam Thu 17-Jul-08 20:39:27

sounds like life at hatcamtowers! Husband often works a long way away/abroad so often away for the working week. Have toddler and am 29 weeks pregnant. It took some getting used to, but we just muddle along. Am sure this will be said by lots of others, but why don't you join ante natal yoga/aquafit/ante natal relaxation or similar - even if you're not that interested in the activity it can be a really good way to meet people who are also pregnant.

When I had my first baby the thing I missed most was adult company and I also found that the week seemed a bit endless as there was no-one else coming home to mark the end of the day. I started working again quite soon (work for myself/from home but am v. lucky that I can take the baby to my classes so don't need childcare when she was v. small) as a way to get some real structure, I joined lots of groups and we do lots of activities together (water babies, music, tumble tots etc).

Also, the thought of the whole thing is always much worse than the reality, so sometimes I feel really down on a Sun night if I know I'm on my own all week, but once we've got going on a Monday it's all cool. Lots of respect for lone parents.

Where abouts are you in the country? There may be other MNers in the same boat for a meet up?

sophierosie Thu 17-Jul-08 20:44:05

My dh works ridiculously long hours and often goes for a week or so without seeing dd and normally only sees me for 30 mins a day - and it is bloody hard work - however, you will adapt and will start to fill your days with baby related things and meet other mums - I found the nct invaluable and still meet up with the people I met on a weekly basis over three years on.

One of the things that I found really difficult was that in the early days I used to feel quite jealous of dh when he went out to work, especially as I knew it was going to be such a hard slog. More recently I felt quite resentful as dh has to do so much overtime (no choice to do it) and I felt that he was choosing his job over his family - rationally I know that this isn't true - but when you've had 7 days of whinging toddler and are completely exhausted the last thing you want to hear is that he's going to be home even later.

I also find that because DH is never here I am the one who does everything - housework, shopping, washing, sorting out bills, car, arranging social life, remembering birthdays, arranging childcare etc. I think that sometimes DH used to feel like a lodger in his own home as he never knew where anything was or what was going on when. When DH is here however, he does do as much as he can.

I think my only tip is to recognise that you will be knackered and for you both to be aware of how much this will impact on your relationship at this time.

Sorry - that isn't very positive - but it is tough - I used to have to bite my lip everytime one of my friends would say her husband was working late - til 7pm!

Its also important that your dh also makes you feel appreciated - dh is always bringing me little presents or telling me he loves me which does make all the hard slog worth it!

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 20:46:09

am a bit baffled by how people make friends at exercise classes - maybe it's a london thing but people seem to just turn up, do their class and then whizz off in their cars (I don't drive and enjoy the walk home). I'm in wandsworth south london. Tons going on for people with children, am just feeling a bit out of it at the mo with 12 weeks to go.

hatcam Thu 17-Jul-08 20:51:11

totally agree with sophierosie - my husband is often saying he feels like he doesn't really live here! Because I'm being a witch I often find myself saying really crap stuff like 'oh we don't do it like that round here donchaknow' or telling him off for not knowing where stuff goes. It is hard, no denying especially when you buy the mil birthday present and he gets all the praise for it. Pah. But sadly think that happens whether your man works monster-hours or not.

I try and remind myself (sounds really daft and all saintly) that we have a really nice house (no money, mind you!) and we wouldn't have that if he wasn't going off and working like a demon. Also, have to remind myself that I'm doing a really important job too - as it's easy to belittle yourself by saying rubbish like 'oh I just stay at home'. Yeah right. I run my own business (as it sounds like you do), I look after INCREDIBLY naughty toddler, am 29 weeks along cooking baby #2 and I do all the boring behind the scenes stuff that enable husband to work like a demon but still have a social life etc etc. In fact, having re-read that I'm off to polish my halo.

slinkiemalinki Thu 17-Jul-08 20:59:15

Fantastic very active NCT in your area kookie - you will find once you've got the baby you will naturally meet and make friends with a lot of mums if you go to the coffee mornings/postnatal groups etc, and loads of baby classes in your area too - Gymboree etc once baby's a bit older (moving to Wimbledon myself at end of the year). Your NCT antenatal is bound to meet up here and there in the early days as well.
Are you due in Sept? If you look on our antenatal thread there is a plan for a London meet-up - even if you're not you'd be welcome! There are at least a couple of others on the thread from your area of town.
I was the first in my crowd of friends to have a baby (they're all at it now I'm on my second!), it can be odd as they all carry on as normal working full time but I had some old friends who liked popping round in the evening to cook a quick dinner together.
When my husband went back after paternity leave he worked very long hours for a while (unusual for him as he can usually juggle his workload to log on a bit later after bathtime and dinner) and it was tough in the early days but you will be so busy to start with it keeps you going!
Good luck.

hatcam Thu 17-Jul-08 20:59:32

me again. why not try a class that's more relaxation than exercise or very pregnancy specific, more opportunity for chat. Appreciate it is difficult to find stuff for pre-baby.

If you like exercising and are still quite active try www.maternallyfit.co.uk who try quite hard to create a social feel too. They have classes near you. Just a suggestion, maybe not your thing!

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:00:12

Sophie you're right about being prepared for impact on rel'ship, probably need to talk that thru with DH more. He's really excited about baby and think he'll definitely try to be at home - he's been very supportive thru my pg - more but good to know that you girls are coping with it despite wobbles.

Tinasan Thu 17-Jul-08 21:00:49

I'm in Wandsworth too Kookiegoddess and I think you'll find that there are loads and loads of women here whose husbands are not at home as much as they'd like! My husband works really long hours (leaves at 7, rarely home before 9) and is away a lot too - I have a toddler and am 11 weeks pregnant with the second. I found the NCT invaluable for making friends - still in touch with the girls from my class, had them all round for tea and cakes this afternoon!

The NCT also do a meet-up service after you've had the baby for people in your area who've also had a baby that month - they'll send you an email inviting you to a coffee morning, where you'll meet all the other new mums. You'll find that once you have had the baby, there are suddenly lots of other mums around you who are desperate for a bit of adult company! Try not to worry about everything and best of luck with your new baby smile

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:02:27

hat, I'm already doing maternally fit, lovely people but as I said they all rush off! Think that it's partly bc they aren't on 1st babies. Hoping to do a yoga class that starts in Aug and shd be more chatty.

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:03:46

cheers slinki will have a look on sept thread. would be great to meet some mums to be.

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:05:32

cheers tina, wandsworth does seem to be swimming with babymakers so am sure I'll meet lots of people. am feeling better already.

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:06:34

just had a thought that maybe i'll be so busy that DH will come home much more in an effort to catch up with ME grin

hatcam Thu 17-Jul-08 21:07:25

bummer, thought I was on to a good suggestion there! Apart from the lack of social element do you enjoy it/think it's a good class (market research hijack, sorry) They don't sound like a very sociable bunch.....

no more suggestions as my 29 week baby seems to have swallowed most of my brain cells. It will all be cool though, I reckon enjoy some bimbling about now and some peace and quiet before it all goes baby/NCT-tastic!

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:10:43

It's a good class yes, and because it's lots of bouncing on ball it makes me use my home one a lot more which I'm v pleased about. it's a v small class of about 4-5 but this varies. Nice teachers and lots of good music to keep you cheery. Am hoping to do the pg yoga with annabel which is supposed to be amazing as she's super-informed and baby mad.

CantSleepWontSleep Thu 17-Jul-08 21:13:38

Hi kg. I am a week ahead of you in this pregnancy, and also have a 2.5 yr old. My dh leaves for work at 4am on a Monday morning, and usually returns around 8pm on a Thursday night. In between he is in a different country (usually Dublin, but sometimes further afield).

My tops tips are:
1 - to go to every baby/toddler group you can find once the baby arrives. Some you'll make good friends at, some you'll make great friends at, and some you'll not like much, but keep going for a while anyway to be sure!
2 - get stuck in to MN! There are people here all night to chat to about pretty much anything. I'd have struggled without it over the last few years tbh.

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:20:04

thanks CS am defo already stuck into MN what with not having cakes to bake... v naughty as sitting at computer makes my feet swell but nevermind. Am in awe of you coping without yr dp for that long but also jealous that you have a little one already. Main thought thru my pg was that I wish I'd started sooner... I'm so impatient!

CantSleepWontSleep Thu 17-Jul-08 21:28:45

Ah, but you're only 30, so plenty of time to catch up! Took us 5 years to produce dd, so we're not exactly quick off the mark ourselves. If you work hard you could have at least 4 children by the time you're my age (35 in a fortnight) grin.

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:44:07

DH only just home so don't know if he'll be up for any hard work this eve grin

kookiegoddess Thu 17-Jul-08 21:45:01

don't know why I'm making lewd comments, I haven't been up for hard work in weeks blush

CantSleepWontSleep Thu 17-Jul-08 21:48:35

grin

twelveyeargap Thu 17-Jul-08 21:59:51

Phone or email your local NCT contact and ask to come to join their "tea group". I've had "bumps" as well as babies at my teas. You don't even have to be an NCT member to join in (though it is encouraged wink).

Once you're out and about during the day with the baby, the day doesn't seem so long. (My DH also works v long hours - even had to go to work for a few hours after DD was born.)

Drop-ins, I think, are an easier way to make friends than "classes". It seems like all the drop-ins are for toddlers, but there are loads for babies in my area - hopefully in yours too. The local NCT person should know a bit more about what's available.

I couldn't get onto an NCT ante-natal course, but went to a post-natal discussion group which was actually great, because rather than being there to "learn", it was facilitated "chat" and I made some great friends and we were able to share experiences and advice. It was how I got "involved" as an active member of NCT, in fact.

staranise Thu 17-Jul-08 22:26:21

I help out with the Putney & Fulham NCT (though you might be in the W&W area) and there's loads going on and it's fine to come along to all events when you're still at the 'bump' stage. It's pretty common round here, as you know, for partners to work long hours, and so there is a particularly good network &community for mothers who are around during the day. It'll be easier to meet people once your baby is here as well )

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