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Pregnant and not excited.

(28 Posts)
MPD Wed 02-Jan-08 11:07:10

I am nine weeks pregnant for the first time and very underwhelmed by bit all. It was unplanned and when we found out it didn't seem too big of a deal as I am 35, in a stable relationship (was planning to get married this year) and both of us have good jobs. However the few people I have told about it so far have been far more excited than me. At the moment I can only focus on the negative aspects, sleepless nights, lack of spontaneity, how I will cope at work with a baby to look after. I know deep down that it is probably a good thing but I don't want to be permantly knackered for the next three years. My DP has been absoultly fantasic and couldn't be more caring and considerate. This makes me feel worse as I feel as if i'm spoiling this time for him.
Am I just being incredibly selfish or has anyone else feel or felt like this?

Finding out you are pregnant is huge news and life changing for many people.
I think it is perfectly normal for you to have all these feelings, It is very overwhelming and your hormones and emotions will be all over the place.
Be kind to yourself and give it time to sink in.
Can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling?
Hope fully someone on here will be able to give you some advice.
{smile]

Niecie Wed 02-Jan-08 11:16:38

I don't think you are being selfish. It can come as a big shock even when it is planned and it is particularly hard in the first 3 months when you don't feel that great and the actual baby is a long way off.

It is probably still very unreal to you and it you are anything like me, it is very difficult to comprehend that there is a baby inside of you. I suspect that you might feel differently after your first scan. Do you have one at 12 weeks or do you have to wait for 20 weeks?

Don't worry about your DP either, there is plenty of time for both of you to get exicted. It is a huge thing and I think that if you were to write it all down on paper there are loads more reasons not to have a baby than to have one (as you currently have found) but once the baby is more real, or when it has actually arrived you cannot put a value on how great it is. All the negative bits will pale into insignificance and you will be as happy as any other mother.

Good luck. I hope it all works out OK.

MPD Wed 02-Jan-08 11:36:09

Thanks for your responses. Made me feel bit better smile. Having scan on 25th of Jan so am hoping will feel much better then.

makingnosense Wed 02-Jan-08 12:29:39

I totally understand your feelings. I found out I was pregnant for the first time at the age of 38. The pregnancy was totally unplanned and I cried for about 3 weeks solidly after finding out. Once the shock had worn off, I was able to get a grip and realise that , yes, its a life changing experience, but in the most positive way. I am 3 weeks off giving birth now and I am so grateful that we made that 'mistake'. I am experiencing something wonderful and cant wait to have that lovely little munchkin baby in my arms. Yes, there's going to be sleepless nights and bad days, but so many wonderful days too. The fact you have such a supportive DH too is great. I think pregnancy lasts for 9 months for a reason... it gives us time to get our heads around becoming a Mum, and it shows you're going to be a good one by the fact you are worrying about stuff already. This baby wasn't real to me until I had that first scan. Enjoy the scan. Its a magical thing seeing something you and your partner have created wriggling away on that screen.
Wow, bit of an essay I've written but wanted you to know you're not alone with your feelings. They're quite common, and in a years time you'll look back and wonder why you worried about it all! smile. Good luck with the pregnancy.

katyjo Wed 02-Jan-08 12:45:22

Hi MPD

I think most mothers will tell you they felt the same way, at least part of the time with their first pregnancy, you are not selfish at all.
I think that it takes exactly 9 months to get your head around having a baby which is why the pregnancy lasts that long - nothing to do with how long it takes a baby to grow!
I am currently pregnant with my second child and I am thrilled, there was so much to worry about during first pregnancy, especially when everyone wants to tell you all their stupid stories.
All I can tell you is its very different having your own child, you don't get that brat down the street or the little boy that cries all the time, you get your child and he/she will be perfect in every way. I also wasn't prepared for the way my partner would look at my son after he was born, it still makes my heart skip a bit.
Please don't worry, it becomes alot easier after your scan.
Big hugs to you. xxx

Anna8888 Wed 02-Jan-08 12:51:43

I couldn't have cared less that I was pregnant for the first six months of my pregnancy. I used to have recurring nightmares and would lie awake wishing I could go back to pre-pregnancy.

However, things got much better in the final three months, with all those midwife visits, ante-natal classes and presents that started arriving, and when she was born I was thrilled and in tears with happiness smile. And I adored her babyhood and am sometimes a little wistful that is is coming to an end.

claraenglish Wed 02-Jan-08 13:05:17

Message withdrawn

Scampynoodle Wed 02-Jan-08 15:32:11

Things will get better MPD. If it helps I was broken hearted when I found out that I was pregnant for all the reasons that you mention. I always say that pregnancy tests don't always come with party poppers. Don't succumb to the age-old image of all women being chuffed to be pregnant. It's cobblers. How you feel about this is as valid as how anyone else feels, whether they are excited or mortified. We all handle life-changes in different ways so go with your instincts.

I'm now 37 weeks, after making some big decisions about whether to go ahead with the whole thing. And while I can't wait to meet our baby now I'm still the least excited out of everyone I know. I know in my heart, though, that the measurement of being a good mother is not in how much of a bloody fuss you make about it.

I'm sorry for ranting but I feel murderous about the fact that so many women think they are falling short just because they experience very real and normal feelings. You're not being selfish, m'love, you're being human so don't tell yourself anything else!

Sx

SKF Wed 02-Jan-08 16:38:07

Hi MPD, hi everyone else

I am so glad to have read this post because I feel exactly the same way as MPD but having read all of this I feel a lot less guilty now. It is very very comforting to read that these feelings are normal and pretty common, and everyone's responses are so encouraging.

A large part of me feels that I am having a baby to make everyone else (ie our families) happy and fulfil their expectations. I treasure my independence and am scared about how I will feel when I am no longer able to go out on a whim. I had to leave an NYE party early as I felt so tired and everyone was REALLY getting on my sober nerves. Yesterday I felt really miserable about it as I felt like I was missing out and that I'd never be able to have fun (i.e. go out and get a bit pissed) again.

However, lots of people I know are having children, and they all seem incredibly happy if a touch exhausted. And at least those of us who have misgivings are looking at it in a more realistic way rather than imagining it is all going to be perfect and wonderful, and getting depressed when it turns out to be bloody hard work!

I also have an enormnously caring and supportive dh and just couldn't do this without him, but I know that he will more than do his bit.

Sorry to hijack with such a long post, just wanted to share. You are not alone MPD.
xx

Fleurie76 Wed 02-Jan-08 17:17:43

Hi MPD,
Please don't worry about not being excited, I felt exactly the same way at first. I agonised for ages before getting pregnant about actually saying 'yes - let's go for it!' then I fell almost immediately and I felt terrfied and underwhelmed even though it was planned.
When I saw the midwife at 8 weeks she said 'Ooo first baby! Are you excited?!' and then gave me worried look when I said 'Not really' 'She then followed this up by saying 'This baby was planned wasn't it?' all of which made me feel absolutely awful that I wasn't normal for not turning cartwheels and I went home and cried my eyes out!
It's at this early stage that you want to speak to people to find out of what you're feeling is normal but is also the time you can't tell anyone - as soon as I told friends who had been / are pregnant, almost all of them reported similar feelings.
Like you I also felt that everyone else was very excited and I was constantly thinking 'It's OK for you to get excited, it's not happening to you!' However in hindsight I've been just as exuberant with other people when they have told me they were pregnant, it's what you do, as we all know it's a lovely thing but it can feel so different when it's you.
I'm now 19 weeks and definately excited although still sometimes feel a little bit detached from the whole thing (even though it's dancing away in my belly as I type!) and still suffer from a feeling that I'm not as excited as I should be.
I felt a whole lot better when the hormones calmed down and just the effect of time and getting used to the idea.
Hang in there, you will feel better soon
Apologies for the essay and good luck!
X

MPD Thu 03-Jan-08 12:00:18

Thankyou evryone for all your wonderful reponses. It is so reassuring to know other people have had similar experenices. Thank you again, I feel less "abnormal" now. Good luck with your pregnancies. x

morgan6682 Thu 03-Jan-08 17:39:14

I can definitely understand, I just found out this week that I was pregnant. I am 25 years old, I am in a masters program and currently working full time.
Also, I am currently engaged to be married, had the dress and everything. We were planning for an October wedding. Now, I am not sure what to do.
I feel that I should be happy and thrilled, but instead I feel like crying. It was totally unexpected, and I feel so dazed and confused. My husband to be is so thrilled and overwhelmingly happy. But I feel like the world has collapsed, I feel terrified and broken hearted.

NAB3wishesfor2008 Thu 03-Jan-08 17:41:14

I remember my first feeling when I saw the postive dot was being scared. Even though we are married and the baby was planned, I though if he leaves me I'll be left with a baby now. blush So so happy after that though once I knew he was pleased too.

LadySnotAlot Fri 04-Jan-08 12:57:44

I fell pregnant with my first child when I was 24 and had just returned from a years travelling with my husband to be. We were still in the process of buying our first home together ( a first floor flat!) I had only just started my new job and our wedding was booked for almost exactly a year away!

DH was ecstatic, needless to say I was totally underwhelmed at the thought of being a parent and I cried for about a week as I hadn't wanted to fall pregnant at that stage in my life as I felt I wasn't ready. It took me ages to feel excited and I didn't actually go out to buy any clothes for our new arrival until about 2 weeks before he was due!

We moved in to our flat and yes we still got married on the same date we had originally booked the wedding for! Looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a Mum and more importantly I absolutely adore my children!!

sagitta Fri 04-Jan-08 14:21:40

You have described exactly how I felt - and still feel. I got pregnant unexpectedly the first time (and now have a dd, 2), and am now pregnant again - unplanned again. I couldn't tell anyone for ages as I couldn't bear the "congratulations" - I was not celebtrating either last time or this time. My dh has been absolutely brilliant, but does admit that the fact I can't celebrate or really even be happy or excited has put a dampener on his ability to enjoy the pregnancy and prospect of fatherhood again - and I wish for his sake I could be more excited.
I always thought that the scans would help - and they do make it more real and a bit more exciting, but to be honest I needed the full nine months (and some) to get used to it, and pleased about it the first time, and probably this time too.
My two points of relief are: that I won't get pregnant - or continue with it - ever again, yippee grin. And that I absolutely adore my DD. I don't know, if I had my time again, whether I would choose to have children, but I can't now imagine life without my dd.
Good luck. I really sympathise with you. And if you can find reasons to celebrate, it will make it easier for both you and DH. Even if you can't, it does all get easier. In a year, you'll have your new lifestyle under control. (sorry for the essay!)

meep Fri 04-Jan-08 14:31:13

I was 35 when I got pregnant - it was planned but it tool a while so when it finally happened I was terrified. At some point some happy hormaones kicked in and I was totally excited and flying on happy fluffy clouds about the whole thing! Then I got to the third trimester and I think I was the only one in my ante-natal group who wasn't counting down the days till splashdown! I was praying that the baby would be late and even had thoughts of "I don't want this to happen". When dd arrived I was bowled over by my love for her and even though the first few weeks were really really tough for me, my maternal instinct really kicked in (I wasn't that excited about babies beforehand to be honest) and it just got better from there! 6 montha later I have little spontaneity, I never get a full nights sleep (even though dd sleeps well - I still wake up even when she is still asleep!), and I really miss being able to sit in a pub on a hot sunny day and drink wine with my friends. But - I would not change things - I love my new life! DH didn't really get excited until she was born - and it was only really when she was about 6/8 weeks old that he really started enjoying things. So don't stress about how you feel - it will all come good in the end!
Congratulations by the way!

LOVEMYMUM Fri 04-Jan-08 19:54:08

You're not being selfish at all.

Your life (and body) is about to change in a major way and you are thinking about the practical side of things: sleeplessn nights, how to cope at work etc. I felt this way to begin with and the pregnancy was planned.

In a way, i think you are being more realistic than people (both male and female) who say, "It'll be absolutely wonderful", cos you're wondering about how you will cope after baby is born.

DP gets off lightly in a way, cos he isn't the one giving birth or tired at 11 am in the morning.

I would join a mumsnet antenatal club. I have found that whatever i'm feeling, so are the others in the club. Lots of luck

LOVEMYMUM Fri 04-Jan-08 19:55:53

Sorry to hijack - but MORGAN: Contact the Marie Stopes clinic for support. You have options if you don't want to have this baby. (I'm pregnant but still pro-choice).

merryberry Sat 05-Jan-08 08:08:30

MPD, had my 1st at 36. Was only tired for a year, and that was with knackered thyroid gland. You'll adjust, and may like me find positives in the changes, like the simplicity of life now. Also, being around a 2 year old and rising is very very energising.

MrsArchieTheInventor Sat 05-Jan-08 13:15:57

This sounds a truly terrible thing to say but I was so frightened by the prospect of being a mum and taking on all the things that you are scared about that I seriously considered a termination at 20+ weeks. Talking to DP helped as did talking to my GP and she reassured me that what I was feeling was completely normal and that sometimes even women who have tried for years to conceive have the same feelings that I was having and worse.

Only you can know what you feel deep down but maybe talk to your GP or midwife about what's on your mind. And this might come out wrong but with some of the things you are worried about you just cope, you just find a way. Don't ask me how, you just do.

Cherubrunt Tue 23-Nov-10 20:51:05

I am 9 weeks pregnant and miserable.I am 37 yr old married woman with a husband and 9 yr old child.I NEVER wanted another kid and now to my surprise I am pregnant and unhappy.I am sick of being told it is a blessing and being the butt of jokes.I do not feel blessed at all I feel like a have a rope around my whole body.I feel even worse about feeling this way, god forgive me!I want my old life back and not this new one.I will never terminate this pregnancy but want this to stop.I do not see happiness in my future.My friends are moving forward and I am going backwards. I am pretty much sit home and try to be alone b/c I am sick of seeing people and talking and or hearing about this.I am cranky all the time. My husband is soooo excited and can't or does not want to understand why I am not. I would love for this to go away, but it's not going to and I know tht. Please help.....

Louabihudd Thu 02-Dec-10 11:20:46

Hi cherubrunt! I'm 14 weeks preg and feel exactly the same! I feel my life is over and will never be happy again! This pregnancy was planned as well so tht makes this even worse! I have been to the doc and have been diagnosed with antenatel depression! Which is not suprising as I have suffered from depression since I had my first (now nearly 3) all I can think of is how hard it was with my first and how depressed I was after. It was horrific' but I got through it the first time so no doubt I will get through it a second time! I just hope it's no so bad this time. U will b fine! I thought I was the only 1 who felt like this! But by the looks of it were not alone! U will b happy again! U wait and see! Xx

shreddiey Sun 05-Dec-10 21:28:00

There is a fantatsic maternity nurse called Deearna she also has a maternity agency running under her name. You should maybe give her a call, a friend of mine was in the same boat as you and she was recomended to call Deearna for a chat and some reassurance. There was no fee and Sally is still in touch with Deearna she has just given birth and Deearna guided her througout her pregnancy and even helped her through her labor In Sallys words Deearna has made this easy and pleasant for me.Any mum experiencing any problems with their newborn should look this lady up she is known as the human baby whisperer

shreddiey Sun 05-Dec-10 21:31:36

Re reading your message perhaps you should book Deearnas welcome home pack to get you sorted, most mums are anxious as they dont know why their babies dont settle after a feed etc. Deearna taught me what all the cries meant and when it was ok to leave to cry for abit.If you have a routine then life will seem much easier.

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