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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Tell him or no.

71 replies

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 18:32

I’m not due on my period for another 4 days but I decided to take a test today because I just had a feeling.
The first test was a very faint line, 2nd was digital and a clear positive.

I broke up with my husband last year and have been seeing someone very casually since February.
I’m ashamed to admit this but the one time we didn’t use a condom he asked me would it be ok (as in am I on contraception) and I say it would be ok. I do not have a clue why I did that, heat of the moment thing or just me being plain stupid.
I literally do not know him nor him me, apart from sexually. I know bits about him and he knows bits about me that’s it.

I’m not against abortion at all, and I would.
But part of me thinks I should ask him how he feels. Or should I just not say anything and he won’t know any better?

Im reading this over and know how pathetic I sound. Please go easy on me, I know what I’ve done and I know how utterly stupid I’ve been

OP posts:

Report

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2021 18:35

Do you want to have a baby now? Will what he says affect what you want to do?

If you don’t want a baby and think an abortion is the best thing to do then I don’t think you need to tell him. If he’a now going to be a dad then obviously he needs to know that.

Chelyanne · 19/04/2021 18:36

You should speak to him before making a decision about the pregnancy.

trevthecat · 19/04/2021 18:39

On contraception but took a test even though your period isn't due for 4 days? 🤔😕

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 18:40

No I don’t want a baby, but I’m not sure if it’s right for me to have an abortion without him knowing anything about it or having a say in it.
I really just want to curl up and ignore this.

OP posts:

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 18:40

@trevthecat

On contraception but took a test even though your period isn't due for 4 days? 🤔😕

No. Read it again.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2021 18:42

I would only speak to him if you decide to keep the baby. If you're not, I don't see the point. His input is not required or relevant for you to make your decision.

trevthecat · 19/04/2021 18:42

Ok so no contraception but said it would be ok! And then took a test 4 days early! Seems planned to me

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 19/04/2021 18:44

You should tell him. It might make him think next time he sleeps with a woman he doesnt know that he shouldn't just naively trust her.

Baileys123 · 19/04/2021 18:47

Sounds like you planned it

Mintjulia · 19/04/2021 18:54

You say you don't want a baby. If his response is that he does, will you change your mind?

Or will you go ahead and abort regardless of his wishes? If so, why risk causing him such distress?

I think you need to take responsibility for this.

Mrgrinch · 19/04/2021 19:05

If you've already made your mind up then why would you tell him? That's quite cruel in my opinion. Also you lied to him about being on contraception and that's really not acceptable.

ArtfulScreamer · 19/04/2021 20:39

It's not often on here that you read a thread and end up feeling sorry for the male involved but I do this one!
In my opinion sex without contraception = trying for a baby, just a shame only one of you knew that was what was going on.

emilyfrost · 19/04/2021 20:40

@Mrgrinch

If you've already made your mind up then why would you tell him? That's quite cruel in my opinion. Also you lied to him about being on contraception and that's really not acceptable.

This.

How could you do that? Be so careless with life?

Soulstirring · 19/04/2021 20:45

Your life, your error. Your decision. Ignore the hate and cynics.

Should you tell him? ethically, yes. But that would mean confessing you lied and potentially trapped him. If you don’t want a baby and can’t see a future with him then do what you need to do for you.

You know you were in the wrong and potentially will be again by with holding information but if you can live with it then don’t dwell and move forward having learned a tragic, life changing lesson.

Good luck OP.

Cherrytree1621 · 19/04/2021 20:52

@Mintjulia

You say you don't want a baby. If his response is that he does, will you change your mind?

Or will you go ahead and abort regardless of his wishes? If so, why risk causing him such distress?

I think you need to take responsibility for this.

This.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2021 20:55

You can’t ignore it. That’s why you’re posting.

If you don’t want a baby but he does do you mean you’ll be having it for him? You’re the only one who’ll be pregnant and all that goes along with it. What will you do once it’s born, hope he’ll do the leg work and bulk of the care? Would you suggest he brought it up by himself?

If you don’t want it and decide to abort, what would you tell him? That you weren’t on the pill, were ovulating, got pregnant and then didn’t go ahead? What would you be telling him for? It would be a salutary lesson for him in taking responsibility for his own fertility but the consequences will still be yours as only you’ll be going through an abortion.

If you want the baby or at least don’t want an abortion but he doesn’t want to be a dad and says so, then what? Would you tell him about the lack of contraception or lie about an “accident”? He’ll have to pay maintenance once the baby is born but no financial contribution before then unless he wants to.

Can you afford to go it alone? Do you have supportive family and friends?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2021 21:00

He doesn't get a say. So I would only tell him if you're continuing with the pregnancy.

YoBeaches · 19/04/2021 21:16

I think given you lied to him about him being unprotected was safe, he's not going be pleased to hear your now pregnant. It does sound planned, even unconsciously, for some reason you lied, he will likely feel trapped. And 'checking' he's ok with a termination is unnecessary if you intend to go ahead with it regardless. He won't thank you for it and he won't trust you anymore.

I'm not sure what outcome you want from telling him. The 'fling' will be over whichever path you take so if you dont want to have a baby on your own then visit the GP and stop seeing him.

Worriesome · 19/04/2021 21:50

I’d reach out and tell him the truth, make it clear though that there is no pressure on him to be involved as in his defence he did ask you if you were on contraception and he was under the impression you both were safe. If you have an abortion or go ahead with it, you will have done right by everyone by letting him know you are pregnant x

getyourfreakon · 19/04/2021 22:22

It's time to take responsibility. And to not let this happen again. D

getyourfreakon · 19/04/2021 22:23

*do the right thing and let him know exactly what the circumstances were. You've fucked up. Own it.

mamal29 · 19/04/2021 22:28

@MrsTerryPratchett

He doesn't get a say. So I would only tell him if you're continuing with the pregnancy.

Agreed.

Accidents happen. Hope you're okay, OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2021 22:29

If you have an abortion or go ahead with it, you will have done right by everyone by letting him know you are pregnant x

How would that go do you imagine?

“You know when we had unprotected sex because you thought I was on the pill, well I wasn’t, I lied, now I’m pregnant and I’ve decided to have an abortion”

How is that helpful to anyone?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2021 22:30

Accidents happen

They do. But this wasn’t an accident.

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 22:33

@AnneLovesGilbert

If you have an abortion or go ahead with it, you will have done right by everyone by letting him know you are pregnant x

How would that go do you imagine?

“You know when we had unprotected sex because you thought I was on the pill, well I wasn’t, I lied, now I’m pregnant and I’ve decided to have an abortion”

How is that helpful to anyone?

I didn’t tell him I was on the pill, or on any contraception. Indirectly I probably did.

I know what I’ve done.

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