Planned and wanted pregnancy but feeling worried and a little trapped

[Floryella]

Hi everyone

Sorry in advance for the long post. I'm a bit scared writing this, but I'm just hoping someone out there has felt the same and might be able to offer a bit of advice or encouragement. I feel as though I'm sinking into a bit of a bad mental state and feeling sad about something that is actually really wonderful.

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby, still early at 9 weeks. This is a very wanted pregnancy, we tried for a while and had some tests that implied we might need IVF, so it was a very welcome surprise when we conceived naturally.

However... I'm now feeling quite down in the dumps. I think it's partially hormones, but I'm also quite anxious about how much this is going to change my life. I've worked really hard at my career and that's likely to be affected (I work in an industry that is contract based and very inflexible about hours). I've also enjoyed a life of travelling and quite a lot of freedom which is going to be hard to give up. Any tips or encouragement on travelling with babies/small children would be fantastic!

My fiance and I have been together 3 years and a year of that has been spent in lockdown, so not able to do much or go anywhere, and I really wish we'd had more time just the two of us to have adventures and holidays. We're getting married in June, the third date we've had planned, and I just can't seem to get excited about it anymore. The last year has just taken the joy out of it and I can't be bothered planning favours and flowers yet again.

One of my best friends just had a baby and is having an extremely hard time with it, especially the feeding and recovery from the birth. Right now it doesn't sound very appealing...

I'm 36, so we felt we needed to get on with having a family, but maybe I'm the sort of person who'd never really feel ready. I guess there's never a perfect time and I expect a lot of this is a mix of hormones and lockdown blues. I'm just feeling shit.

I also know that I'm extremely lucky. I have a wonderful partner, a comfortable life and hopefully a baby on the way which we thought might not come easily. I don't know why I'm feeling like this and it's starting to scare me a bit. I've asked for a referral to the pregnancy mental health service but it's taking a while to come through.

[MotherOfCrocodiles]

I felt like this in my first pregnancy - am now on my third!

I think a lot of what you hear about pregnancy is very sugary 'ooh congratulations' etc but for me that really jarred as I felt ill (nauseous and exhausted) and was worried about the impact on my life, travel, career. I think it's particularly hard with your first as you are still sort of childfree but your freedoms are draining away (no drinking, no skiing!) and your parter isn't necessarily having the same experience. Also you don't quite know what to expect and people are always telling you "just you wait til X awful thing happens" which is very unhelpful as normally you can mitigate your worries about the future by working out how you would deal with potential issues, but people keep undermining you by suggesting you don't know what's about to hit you (this turned out to all be nonsense in my case - it wasn't horrible and my backup plans worked just fine). Also I must say I think the hormones can make you feel depressed too, as I didn't have most of the worries here mentioned in my second and third pregnancies, but still felt very down especially in the first trimester.

Sorry that's not a solution but I'mm just saying, I don't think it is odd that you feel like this.

[MotherOfCrocodiles]

By the way I should add my career has survived so far. I've lost the will to travel for now and am into easy kid oriented holidays (after a youth of backpacking) but I do, in non-covid times, get some travel around work without the family and even managed a ski trip with friends between babies.

Hoping when the kids are bigger we can do some travel that will be made more exciting by having kids with us (night train to Prague....?) - we'll see.

[Tinyade80]

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Having a baby is in no doubt life changing. The journey of bringing them up is not easy, but personally I couldn't imagine my life without my 2 DC. Before my kids I had what I thought was an exciting life ( lots of traveling, I went on to study up to Master's degree and have a reasonable job. Kids came along, I can only work part-time until they go to school and travelling now revolves around the children (we have to go to places that are child friendly etc). All am saying is you just adapt to the situation. If you're lucky to have family members offering to help you please take it, so you can spend time with your partner or do something you like.
The anxieties you're feeling are quite normal, some could just be due to the hormones and also the fear of the unknown. Talk to your friends bearing in mind that all babies are not the same and experiences differ from one person to another.

My advice is, try and enjoy your pregnancy. It is the best experience ever. Congratulations once again

[maloney123]

Just wanted to say that I have felt the same at times. This is our first, very wanted, baby but I’ve had moments where I’ve felt absolutely terrified and trapped at the prospect of the future! So you’re not alone

[Floryella]

@MotherOfCrocodiles thanks for this - you're right, it's also probably the feeling nauseous/tired and the gradual loss of freedoms while still being childfree. Good to hear that it improved for you by the second and third trimesters, that gives me some hope. As does your story of skiing with friends! x

[Floryella]

@Tinyade80, thanks for your reply. We don't have much family nearby but the ones we do have are going to get a fair few babysitting requests! I'm sure I'll adapt, and I know my priorities will likely change once the baby is actually here. It's good to hear I'm not alone and an awful person for feeling like this. I hope it'll improve as things progress and I can start to enjoy the pregnancy a bit more.

[Floryella]

@maloney123 thanks for the message. It's good to speak to other people about it, I don't feel I can really say any of this to friends/family right now.

[PeanuttyButter]

@Floryella I could have written this exact same post, although I've only just found out I'm pregnant. The way I'm trying to cope with it is thinking 'would I be happy for the rest of my life with everything being how it was before we found out?' I have an amazing life but something was missing and I didn't like the idea of having that missing forever.

[PerspicaciousGreen]

I'm pregnant with #3 and every time I have found the first trimester is the absolute pits and really does a number on my emotions. Hormones are raging, it's true, but there's also the sheer drudgery of feeling tired and nauseous for days and weeks on end. Anyone would feel down if they had to go through that! It's also the moment when reality well and truly dawns and you realise there's no going back. Second trimester is glorious. Third trimester can get very physically uncomfortable but I don't find it gets me down the way the first does.

I'm on my third now and keep reminding myself that it WILL get better! I am NOT to catastrophise the rest of my life based on a temporary situation! It is OK not to enjoy pregnancy very much. Sometimes it's not very enjoyable! It doesn't mean you'll be a bad mother or that you'll hate your baby. Pregnancy is not an illness but it can make you very unwell and its very reasonable to struggle with your emotions when you're physically ill.

Well done for asking for a referral to the perinatal MH service. I have found that they tend to fast-track people who are nearer their due date, so you might be in for a little wait but it's not like the endless waiting of ordinary adult MH services. You will be seen long before you have the baby!

[Floryella]

@PeanuttyButter thank you for your reply, it does help

[Floryella]

@PerspicaciousGreen it's slightly reassuring to hear that these might be 1st trimester blues. I'm pretty sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! I'm not sure I'm ever going to be one of these people who loves being pregnant, it's never been something I've thought looks like fun. But hopefully once the nausea passes and the actual baby starts to feel a bit more real I'll feel better.
I'm not worried I'll be a bad mother or won't love my baby, just that I might continue feeling trapped, but I think I just need to be a bit creative about it - I'm sure there are lots of ways to be a mother, not just the ones I'm imagining in my current slightly down mindset. Thank you for the support, it has made me feel a bit more positive.

[Kat1112025]

@Floryella this could've been me writing this.
I'm 34, supposed to be getting married in June, after four Covid delays. I'm quite senior in a career I love and I've been with my partner for over a decade. We have such a lovely life together and this baby is very much wanted, especially after concerns with PCOS and infertility (currently 17weeks with our first).

I swing between feeling very happy and content to feeling very worried and thinking: what have we done!? We've been so happy, what if this changes things and messes it up? What if it's just too hard and we're miserable? Part of this is definitely that pregnancy isn't what I thought it would be. I feel a bit rubbish all the time, nauseous and tired, and I'm really bored of it. The hormones do not help. Nor does the unsolicited advice from friends that already have kids.

I think change is always scary, especially if things are going well as it can be easy to imagine the change will make it worse. Different isn't necessarily worse. I get this feeling whenever I make a big change; when we've moved houses, or I've changed jobs I always have a panic about what I've given up and that the new situation will be worse.

I don't have any advice, just replied to let you know that you're not alone, people feel all sorts of complicated conflicting feelings in pregnancy. It's a really big change and I'm glad you've reached out for MH support.

[LittleMysSister]

Sorry to resurrect this thread a few months later, but it came up in my search as I'm feeling exactly this.

Got my BFP yesterday, which was a huge shock as I'd done 2 tests before and had negatives plus zero symptoms, and I feel like even though we were TTC I just can't come to terms with it. My DP is really happy but he already has 2 children so I feel like it's not as big a deal for him as it is for me.

I am worried that I'm not feeling happy and more just feeling trapped and worried about how things will change. I do feel the same as @PeanuttyButter, I have always wanted children in my life...I feel like it's something I want to have done, but also maybe something I will never feel ready to actually do, and now it's happening.

@Floryella How do you feel now? Still the same?

[Floryella]

Hi @LittleMysSister

It’s so interesting re-reading this - I’m now 37 weeks pregnant and luckily not feeling the same!

After a bit of time to get my head around it, as well as the nausea and general horrible hormonal fog of the first trimester fading I started to feel much more positive.

I did reach out for some help to the perinatal mental health team who were great. I ended up not feeling like I needed CBT or antidepressants which had been suggested as for a while I think I was a bit depressed. I just came round to the idea and now feel the way I’d hoped to - excited, if of course a bit nervous that I’ll be in charge of a tiny person!

I hope you feel better about it soon. If this is something you’d really wanted before I wouldn’t discount a lot of it being shock and possibly hormones. Those little bastards are crazy strong in the first trimester!

[LittleMysSister]

Thanks for responding to me @Floryella !

I am so glad to hear you're feeling better now :) and so close to meeting your little one!

I am hoping I will feel OK once the news settles in a bit more, I was just so stunned yesterday to get the bfp. I was convinced it wasn't going to happen for us and just Saturday we were talking about whether we should have some tests done etc.

My DP has booked a dinner out to celebrate tonight and everything, whereas I've been sitting here crying and worrying. It feels so huge.

I do think there's a lot to be said for hormones though as last week I cried hysterically at the thought of giving back a dog we were dog-sitting so....

[Epli]

I am in a very similar place as the OP - 35 (will be 36 when I give birth), good career and spend majority of my surplus money travelling. I cannot really give advice on career, as I work for a corporation which is very mother-friendly (market research sector), but I have some words of encouragement to those of you who travel a lot.

I think that travelling will obviously change for us and we will have to think differently about booking a hotel, places we go to, restaurant to choose, but I have so many friends who went on amazing holidays with kids that I strongly believe we will be fine :) One of them spend 3 weeks travelling in Canada, other took 2 kids to to a camper road trip in new Zealand, one has a blog dedicated to travelling with kids (it's in Polish so I am not sharing the link but you can find plenty of vlogs on youtube on the topic).

I know that a 2 week museum & art gallery tour in Italy won't be possible for a long time, but snorkeling/swimming/beach holidays in Philippines? Sure! Hiking in Austrian Alps? Yes!

But I do notice two things which seem to make it easier/possible:

1. our friends started small - going on one day hikes, weekend trips to get used to different pace, figure out what gear is needed etc.
   
2. involved father - if a guy won't take care of a kid then it's better to stay at home indeed, otherwise it turns into a horror story;

[fallhappy1]

I felt like this with my first pregnancy, currently pregnant with baby number 3. I think its completely normal to feel this way with any pregnancy.

[PeanuttyButter]

@LittleMysSister @Floryella
I lost the baby at 9.5 weeks (I would be 34 weeks now) had a missed miscarriage. Been devastated ever since, for me however it cemented how I felt that I do want children.
I have been pregnant again since and lost that too another missed miscarriage at 9 weeks.
All I can say is cherish what you have xx

[Floryella]

@PeanuttyButter I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, that sounds awful.

I’m actually 37 weeks now and very excited. My best friend just suffered a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks so trust me, I’m aware of how lucky I am.

Even at my lowest I wanted the baby, I just felt trapped and confused.

I hope you’re doing ok.

[LittleMysSister]

@PeanuttyButter Oh I'm sorry, and sorry to have dragged this thread back up for you .

My bfp has developed into a chemical over the weekend so in this boat too x

[PeanuttyButter]

@LittleMysSister don't apologise. This is just the good and bad of a public forum like this, we support each other when we need it and we help others with our experiences, both good and bad. At the time I was grateful that others understood what I was going through. Bringing this thread back may help someone. So sorry about your loss x