Unplanned pregnancy

[RacerRobyn1995]

I'm coming on here as I'm just totally lost, confused and sad.

I found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant just over a week ago, I must be about 6 weeks.

I am now trying to decide what to do. My boyfriend says he'll support either way but that he doesn't see how we'll make it work. He's potentially about to lose his job because of coronavirus and I'm due to be starting a new high pressued job when I'd be 3-months pregnant - meaning I'd only work about 5 months before I'd have to go on maternity leave!

I have a pretty well paid job and my own house but my boyfriend has nothing, just savings. I would probably be fine but he faces the prospect of not even being able to afford a small flat if we were to break up.

We've been together 4+ years but it's been a rocky road and he only just moved in with my last month.

I don't think I can do this right now but I'm terrified I'll regret this forever. We could possibly make it work but it's a risk, mainly for my boyfriend.

I don't know what to do and just wondered if anyone had any stories or opinions :(

Thank you x

[Chelyanne]

If you have any doubt about terminating a pregnancy then it's probable not the right decision.

It may well be hard to have a baby at this time but if you want to make it work you will. Tbh I don't think there ever is a "perfect time" to start a family and most people just muddle through it the best they can planned or unplanned.
Good luck whatever you decide.

I fell pregnant with our 1st when I was 20, he was 19. I still lived with my parents and he was military so didn't really have a "home". He was deployed for 5mth of the of the pregnancy and we started living together just weeks before she was born. It was a tough start to family life but we made it work and we still do. Baby number 6 is due in August.

[Renzzs]

Hey,

I’m pretty much in the same situation as you. I’ve really tried to ignore it but I don’t know what to do. Being in the situation is causing me to be depressed as I have one of the biggest decisions to make in my life.

[Adancewithdragons]

My friend had something similar and the dad has opted to be a stay at home dad and mum returned to works. If you can survive off one salary and you are happy to the breadwinner that might be an option?

[RacerRobyn1995]

@Renzzs I feel depressed too and it's just nothing like what I imagined my first pregnancy to be, I've always dreamed of having kids.

Have you always wanted kids? Are you 50:50 or swaying one way or another?

[TedMullins]

I had an abortion 7 years ago and have never once regretted it - that doesn’t mean you won’t, but not every woman does. If you feel you can’t cope with a baby right now that is nothing to be ashamed of, but equally if you’re not sure you want to terminate then make sure you give it serious thought and discuss with your bf how you’ll both make it work if you go ahead.

[Renzzs]

@RacerRobyn1995 I defo want kids, but I’ve always a been on something & the one time I come off it I end up in this situation. I just wanted to make sure my life was patterned before having a child. This is my first pregnancy & I honestly don’t know to think or feel. I dont think it’s truly sunk in yet but I’m swaying more to abt. But I dunno if I’m doing it for myself or my partner. He states he’s not ready just yet as he has some stuff he wants to do before having a child. He already has a child and I feel this plays a part as he didn’t want the child but had no choice as she kept the baby. I just feel numb in this whole situation.

[Jesskir89]

I would say if there doubt you may regret it if you go ahead. People are in much less fortunate positions and make it work.

[SS123456]

@RacerRobyn1995 if your partner may be out of work could he maybe be the stay at home parent while you continue working instead?

[SunnySideUp2020]

You should ask yourself some questions and try to see where exactly is the issue or fear. As it sounds like you want the baby but you are unsure about your situation.

• Are you worried that your bf is too dependent on you and having the baby might make it worse?
• Do you not see this relationship lasting?
• if so, would you raise the kid as a single mum?
• Do you think you would be forcing a major financial strain on your bf by having the baby and that it is unfair on him?
• Are you worried about your career?
• Would you be eligible for maternity pay at your new place of work? (Some places i think require that you work for a certain amount of time before going on maternity).
• Do you have support? Family or close friends around?
• Do you feel like because it is unplanned and not how you pictured it, you might not enjoy it as much?

Your situation definitely doesn't sound like the worst in terms of being able to afford and raise a child... but equally if you don't think this is the time for you and your bf, then you can always choose to terminate. It is your choice.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

Is this your first baby? If it is think long and hard before termination. It is your choice but make sure it’s the right one for you, There is never a right time. Good luck with whatever you do.

[RacerRobyn1995]

@youllbeoldertoo yes it's my first ever pregnancy. I'm not ready to give up my life and I don't want to force my partner into it but I just don't know if I'll regret this forever

[LunaDreams]

@RacerRobyn1995 and @Renzzs I'm sorry you are both in this situation, it is really tough to say the least.

I had an unplanned pregnancy 8 years ago and had an abortion. There were a few factors that contributed, mainly the very unstable and unhappy relationship with my partner at the time but I was also halfway through my degree, living in a shared flat and had no financial security. I really wanted to keep the baby in my heart but my head was screaming at me 'no!'. I realised I couldn't offer much of a life to the child and I knew I just wasnt ready for that youthful stage of my life to me over. I also didn't want to bring a baby into the world when it was very likely I wouldn't be with the Dad by the time it was born. Quite simply, I didn't want to be a young, single parent (no offence to any single parents).

I'm not going to lie it was emotionally hard to have the termination and I had moments of panic after thinking 'what have I done' and lots of guilt but ultimately I do not regret my decision as i know it was the right thing to do at that time.

I'm now pregnant again but this time it is planned and with someone who I love very much and we are in a great position to provide security to our child.

Ultimately only you can make the decision and most probably you have already made it deep down. There is absolutely no shame in having an abortion of that's what you decide is right for you, equally there is no shame in keeping it and possibly ending up a single parent or not.

All you can do is make a decision based on the information and feelings you available to you now. Just make sure you have thought it through whichever way you go.

Sending big hugs. You will get through this regardless of what happens next xx

[RacerRobyn1995]

@SunnySideUp2020 it's like you read my mind with those questions!

• Are you worried that your bf is too dependent on you and having the baby might make it worse? Yes!
• Do you not see this relationship lasting? We were just starting to get on track and now this has happened
• if so, would you raise the kid as a single mum? I would, but I want stability and family for my children and would feel forever guilty for putting my boyfriend in the situation of being a single parent when he really does not want to be
• Do you think you would be forcing a major financial strain on your bf by having the baby and that it is unfair on him? Definitely
• Are you worried about your career? A bit yes, I'll be starting a new job and immediately having to tell them I'm pregnant and I'm the breadwinner ☹
• Would you be eligible for maternity pay at your new place of work? (Some places i think require that you work for a certain amount of time before going on maternity). No, I would only get maternity allowance
• Do you have support? Family or close friends around? Sort of, though my Mum is about to move to Wales and my sister is about 50 mins away
• Do you feel like because it is unplanned and not how you pictured it, you might not enjoy it as much? Yes! I'm already depressed about it, I just always wanted this to be the happiest moment of my life!

Thanks for those, they're really useful xx

[SunnySideUp2020]

@RacerRobyn1995
Honestly it sounds tough.
I totally understand you wanting your kid to be brought up in a stable and healthy relationship. That being said you could also be a wonderful single mum. It would be tough but probably very rewarding. But it is hard and if this is not the life you want for yourself then you shouldn't have it. I had an abortion for this reason a long time ago. I was very sad and doubted myself a lot. But now being married to a great partner and pregnant again (14 years later) i am thankful that i had the choice at the time.

When you think about the future, do you see your relationship evolving into a potential family? Do you think your bf will become self sufficient and eventually will be able to contribute to a household financially?
Deep in your heart do you see him as the father of your kids?

What i mean is, do you think the issue is the timing or the actual person/relationship?

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@RacerRobyn1995

Can I ask how old you are?

[RacerRobyn1995]

@youllbeoldertoo I'll be 26 in May and my partner has just turned 28. So we're not babies by any stretch of the imagination, but my partner has always wanted kids later and I wanted them before 30

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@RacerRobyn1995

Ok op. I wish you luck! Think long abs hard before you make any decisions

[TalulaBella]

I know this was a few weeks back, but i feel you OP. in May 2017, I had just moved to Spain with my partner and in October 2017 started a new job! He was unemployed and looking. Fast forward to January 2018 and I got a positive pregnancy test (was on the pill!!). No period for like 6 or so months and went for a scan few days later to reveal was 12 weeks! We had little to no money, only I was working my new job and we flat sharing with his sister. I kept that baby and my little girl is my life. Yeah we had weeks after her birth where we had soup or packet ramen 4 days in a row for dinner because I had less than 5 Euros to my name until payday! and most of her stuff was second hand freebies! Fast forward to 2021, my 2.5 year old girl is the happiest child, and will be a big sister later this year.

I hope whatever you decide will make you happy, but children don't always ruin what you have, they can sometimes make everything better and even in your poorest moment, you will always find a way to make it work!! :)

[3AndStopping]

You’ll go back and fourth OP, totally normal. But eventually one choice will just feel like the right one. People can give you lots of advice here but ultimately the decision is yours. I’m sorry your in this position it’s extremely difficult. Wish you all the best in what ever you decide

[FeistySheep]

PP have made good suggestions. One thing I don't think you should do though, is give any consideration to the fact that you feel you'd be 'forcing' the baby on your BF. You both chose to have sex, knowing that there is a risk of pregnancy even with contraception in place. Therefore it is his fault you are pregnant as much as yours. The time to make the decision together was before you had sex. Now the baby is in your body it is your decision, not his. Do you want this baby, and are you prepared to bring it up alone if necessary?

Wouldn't worry too much about timing/jobs etc. It's never a good time. You say you want kids before you're 30? Well if you want two you've really got to start within the next year anyway! If you delay until next year, will your BF's financial situation change massively? If not, what exactly is it that you foresee being different a year from now?