Just found out I was pregnant and don't know what to do!

(25 Posts)
El77 Sun 20-Dec-20 15:02:22

Ive always had irregular periods, but this time I was 10 days late. I took a clear blue test and it said pregnant and 3+ weeks which I believe means 5 weeks or so? My last period was really light so now I am wondering if it was even a period so I have no idea how far along I am and I have to wait until tomorrow to ring the doctors as it isn't open during the weekend. I have slipped up using contraception a few times which is really stupid I know.

I am 26 years old, have a boyfriend who lives with me at my mums place and he said its up to me what I do but thinks were not in a position to have a child which I do agree but I had an abortion last year and it really upset me and I don't know if I can do it again. He also doesn't seem very interested if that makes sense, he's carrying on like normal just saying wel sort it when I am up all night worrying!!

I'm also really worried as I only work part time and I have been furloughed, I also don't have my own place and I live in London which is super expensive. My boyfriend has recently changed careers and is getting his qualification to be a bricklayer but obviously during this pandemic no salary is secure.

I am super worried and anxious about what to do and I'm just looking for any one who has experience or advice on this.

Thank you in advance

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Helenknowsbest Sun 20-Dec-20 15:16:14

So I would say there's no way if knowing how far along you are until a scan and there's no point getting stressed about that as there's nothing you can do until you get a date.

I think whether you decide to terminate or not is your call. Theres 1000s of people who feel they're not in a position to have a child but you just get on with it and you find a way. I found out I was pregnant with my second this year and my son wasn't even 1. We don't have a house, not a lot of money and I've had to get a lot of things second hand. I always tell myself there's people worse off and its crazy how much you adapt.

If you are really considering another termination you will honestly have to be super careful from now on as you won't want to be in this situation again. Hope this helps, I didn't want to sound judgemental as you know your life more than any of us. X

Littleyell Sun 20-Dec-20 15:24:12

How. Long have you been together OP? What was your plan in terms of your housing situation before finding out you were pregnant?

I suppose it depends on what you want for your future.

El77 Sun 20-Dec-20 17:14:27

We've been together for about a year and we were going to stay at my mums until we save up enough for a flat!

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Littleyell Sun 20-Dec-20 17:18:01

Hmmm. I’ve never been in your shoes OP. If you are wanting to buy in London or have any plans to travel/study I would consider carefully. London is so expensive so personally this would factor in my decision making. Good luck whatever you decide.

Maybe look into having the implant something a bit more solid.

20mum Sun 20-Dec-20 17:50:38

There may be a time for being sentimental over taking in a stray kitten you don't really want and are not allowed to keep in a rented flat. But a new human being deserves better. Every extra person on this overcrowded planet deserves to be a wanted person, with absolutely everything possible prepared and planned carefully to ensure s/he has the best possible chances in life.

The basic minimum would include being a deliberate pregnancy, planned by both parents in a secure partnership, and with realistic arrangements for every foreseeable requirement of support, finance, housing, incomes, savings, future plans. It isn't what you want. It isn't your sentimental preference that matters. It's far more important than that. What does a child want? No, not "love will provide". Not "we/I will just manage somehow". You don't love a child if you churn it out 'by mistake' without preparing for it.

Even that hypothetical kitten you might take in from misguided sentiment would not get what it ought to have, in life chances. But what if it wasn't a kitten, what if it was a puppy, a Great Dane puppy? You couldn't conceal it, you couldn't house it, you couldn't afford it, you couldn't give it a fraction of what it needs. A human needs even more than a dog. As others say, get more secure contraception after this. Maybe also get a very easy-care small cheap pet such as a stick insect or a goldfish, to satisfy any wish to take care of something?

Littleyell Sun 20-Dec-20 18:14:09

@20mum lots of people have babies that are unplanned so I don’t agree with your post. OP could make it work it’s not the end of the world. Lots of marriages breakdown.... granted it’s not ideal OPs situation. Your example though is too OTT.

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ivfbeenbusy Sun 20-Dec-20 18:16:34

@20mum couldn't have put it better myself

OP the best advice I can give is to actually learn from the termination you had last year. Terminations are not another form of free contraception. You are 26 not 16 - take your contraception when you should or get the implant/coil or something more reliable.

In the situation you have described given your living and financial environment now is not the time to bring a baby in to this

Helenknowsbest Sun 20-Dec-20 18:19:12

@20mum I quite frankly think your reply is ridiculous.

Illy605 Sun 20-Dec-20 18:22:31

@20mum So by what you’re saying, the baby I’m currently pregnant with, I should have gotten rid of, because I didn’t plan for it?! What a ridiculous thing to say. I didn’t plan to fall pregnant, but now that I am, I couldn’t be happier and will do everything in my power to provide everything I possibly can for this baby and show him/her how loved and wanted they are everyday. Think before you post such insensitive bullshit.

OP, I don’t really have much advice. Having found myself in a similar situation accidentally getting pregnant, but as soon as I took the test, I knew I wanted this baby more than anything. I hope you figure things out and do what is best for you 💕

Maria1990 Sun 20-Dec-20 19:13:40

OP, if you can, talk to your mum. You may find that she is super supportive and can help you through the whole process. You won't need much space for little one until it's a year old or so, so that's two years off. Plus having your mum around to help out when needed is kinda ideal esp if partner leaves the picture. You may find after talking to her your partner realises your mum can help out more than he realised so that he can get on and get qualified and provide for the family and then may be supportive of the whole idea. Deciding whether to keep a baby or not is a big deal. I wouldn't base my decision on my partner, rather on my own gut feelings and past experiences. You've got a roof over your head and a supportive mum already, so you may find even though it's unexpected it's actually the ideal time (no mortgage woes etc. to deal with). There are a ton of ways to get help with costs of children, so even if you're lacking financially you may find it is cheaper than you are thinking because of places like free cycle, good will and charity / hand me downs from friends and relatives and so on. I think my main piece of advice is that there is never a 'perfect time' to have a child, you'll always want to wait for something and if you do wait too much, you can actually miss out (either on children altogether or on having the number you want). So I wouldn't stress that this or that isn't as good as it can be, because there's a lot you can figure out and sort out along the way. If you do decide to keep the baby, I wish you all the best in your pregnancy and if not I hope you heal from the experience and go on to have your lovely family in the future xx

Ohalrightthen Sun 20-Dec-20 19:16:03

@20mum you are absolutely right

Moandy Sun 20-Dec-20 19:27:35

I couldn't disagree with @ivfbeenbusy and @20mum any more. The decision is yours solely. There is lots of help available and the most important thing in a babies life is love. If you believe that a termination is in your best interests then, think about it rationally. If it's not the right time don't be forced into having a baby you dont want. But telling you to learn from a termination and then telling you to have another one is hypocritical. If you want this baby, then have it. If you want a termination then have it. There is nothing worse than being forced into a termination you don't want and regretting it. I would speak to your mum. There are plenty of babies that were unplanned but are well loved, cherished and looked after. Ignore the nonsense previous posts.

Ohalrightthen Sun 20-Dec-20 19:29:52

the most important thing in a babies life is love

This is at best hopelessly naive, and at worst dangerous.

Moandy Sun 20-Dec-20 19:34:02

@Ohalrightthen Get a grip how is it dangerous or naive. It's clear from OP's situation that the baby wont starve. She's not living on the streets. She's not a child.

berrygirlie Sun 20-Dec-20 19:37:40

Children need stability, security and love. Those are the top priorities - a planned pregnancy or not doesn't play into it if you can manage these three things. Can you manage these things, OP? x

Ohalrightthen Sun 20-Dec-20 20:01:52

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Helenknowsbest Sun 20-Dec-20 20:09:37

@Ohalrightthen unbelievably cruel to say that. She's come to a forum looking for advice and yourself and other's think so black and white and think its ok to do that. OP please don't let harsh comments affect your decision. Listen to more practical advice about exploring everything and speaking to mum before coming to a decision. All the best

Littleyell Sun 20-Dec-20 20:36:38

@Ohalrightthen ^ it's all about OP and her wish to save herself from feeling bad about having an abortion. ^

I think your comment is below the line by far

Ohalrightthen Sun 20-Dec-20 21:13:35

Littleyell

*@Ohalrightthen* ^ it's all about OP and her wish to save herself from feeling bad about having an abortion. ^

I think your comment is below the line *by far*

Teally? If you read the OP she doesn't mention at any point wanting the baby, thinking she'd be a good mum, thinking she'd be able to offer a baby a good life, the only thing she talks about is her personal situation and the impact it would have on her. She doesn't mention the prospective child at all, apart from saying that having another abortion would upset her.

It's not about her! It's about the child. That is the first lesson of parenting.

Littleyell Sun 20-Dec-20 21:25:14

@Littleyell do OP didn’t mention she wanted the baby. She did mention her circumstances and obviously is unsure what to do (hence posting).

OP knows it’s about the child that’s why she’s spoken about her current circumstances which has lead her to feel worried and anxious. OP also agreed with her BF too!

I’m not sure what your trying to get at but you have given your input.... you now can get off your high horse.

Victoriasponge2 Sun 20-Dec-20 21:34:26

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berrygirlie Mon 21-Dec-20 08:32:28

That's so unkind and judgemental. Accidents can happen even with contraception, people make mistakes and forget. @Victoriasponge2

shelbyrae Mon 21-Dec-20 09:25:36

So many narrow-minded and judgmental comments on here.

I'm of the school of thought that babies don't need to be perfectly planned in order to have equally good lives. You adapt, you make it work, and you love your child.

Obviously, if you don't want a baby, that's one thing. But if all you're feeling is shock and you're overwhelmed by what to do, that's pretty normal. I had a surprise baby a bit younger than you and my family tried to force me to get an abortion and threatened to stop speaking to me over it - they're very conventional and to speak to them you'd think I had committed a murder.

I had my baby and now he's almost 3 and is the biggest joy to everyone and doesn't want for anything.

If you want to do this, get advice from people around you. Learn where you can get help - childcare credit, second hand marketplaces. It's possible if you want to make it work. If not, that's also fine - and like others have said, get on reliable contraception so it doesn't happen until you want it to. Good luck x

El77 Mon 21-Dec-20 11:07:01

Hi guys,

Thank you all so much for your kind advice. It has been really helpful.

I am going to ignore the hurtful comments but I do care about the baby, I am just trying to do the best thing which is why I asked for advice.

I may not be in a position financially but I know I will love and care for my baby if I decide that i will keep it. I am just very scared right now.

I have made an appointment with my doctors to discuss and hopefully get a scan. It is all very new to me so I am taking one step at a time.

Thank you all again for sharing your experiences x

OP’s posts: |

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