I hope this makes sense....

(16 Posts)
Menarelost Tue 01-Dec-20 23:37:11

Hi guys, I apologise if this is in the wrong area, I tried to find the most suitable place but struggled as my post incorporates many topics. I'll attempt to keep it as short as possible.

I never wanted children growing up, possibly through being selfish, more so feeling I was inadequate to be a dad.

At 31 years of age that changed, I met a woman I fell so deeply for, I can't and never have been able to explain it. This girl had many issues, bulemia, cheating, bottom line she was useless without attention, however she told me repeatedly I was all she wanted.

Over 3 years I spent my life trying to help her, she came across very much as a normal, stable, wonderful girl, but behind closed doors she was a loose cannon.

I've always been desperate to be a dad, I love family life, doing things for kids etc, so we tried for a baby. We lost 13 total what with scans showing just spinal chord, anencephaly, heart defects, every pregnancy ended the same. One day after 3 years as a family (she had a boy from a previous partner who I treat and truly saw as my own) - his own biological dad openly stated he wanted nothin to do with him.

One day I left for work, at 11am I randomly saw my partner tagged in a Facebook post by her new partner stating she was his amazing girlfriend.... Imagine that.

Now, I love the idea of fatherhood, I know if give my life as a dad, ive lost 13 then been shafted, and this is where I'm struggling with things...

Now attempting dating, why is it almost every woman's profile states she has children, they come first, etc - absolutely agree. However, a hell of a lot of their profiles also state no interest in men with kids ....

I also noticed how there's a feminity area on this forum, I can't imagine there would ever be a masculinity area?

Through the entire 13 pregnancies, the nurses, consultants, Barely looked at or even acknowledged me....I spent my life supporting her, I'm lost.

OP’s posts: |
Menarelost Tue 01-Dec-20 23:42:27

Sorry it's deleted an important part. Women seem to openly state they've no interest in men with kids then say they won't entertain any man who doesn't accept their children. I thought I'd just met one or two odd ones but it's beyond prevalent....

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Tue 01-Dec-20 23:46:49

There should have been mental health support available for both of you. Unfortunately it’s one of these things you really have to push for to get. I’m sorry for your losses. It sounds though like it had you had children this wouldn’t necessarily have meant you would have been allowed to be a dad because she could have taken the child on to the next partner and shut out access. Is your issue with dating that you do have access to her son and feel shut out as if he was your own or just the fact they’ve said no men with kids? At 34, you are young in scheme of things.

Menarelost Tue 01-Dec-20 23:51:50

Thank you so much for your reply, and I'll say now how bizarre it is. Reason being, I never mentioned she fell pregnant to this new guy within 3 weeks of meeting him, he was calling me calling me all sorts (due to her lies) and I simply told him good luck. Low and behold she fell pregnant, all went great first time for them, then 2 days after giving birth she stopped him seeing the baby and he has spent many months and many thousands just trying to see his baby.

The fact you knew that before I explained anything is crazy.

OP’s posts: |
Menarelost Tue 01-Dec-20 23:53:48

I think I just feel foolish for believing the lip service for years, she was so believable. Even now knowing she was a narc and its how they work, I still love and miss her so badly, it's nuts.

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Tue 01-Dec-20 23:57:12

She sounded the type. I think you need to not fixate on people saying they don’t want a man with kids. What they mean is a man with kids often comes with a crazy ex or family looking down at the new woman. A woman with kids may not come with the same baggage as often the man has buggered off or doesn’t care. Not all the time of course but I think your own story sounds to fit this well. As for her getting pregnant by someone else, doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, maybe it was an incompatibility issue.

LouiseTrees Tue 01-Dec-20 23:57:45

Menarelost

I think I just feel foolish for believing the lip service for years, she was so believable. Even now knowing she was a narc and its how they work, I still love and miss her so badly, it's nuts.

You have to move on.

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Menarelost Tue 01-Dec-20 23:59:39

Good god, again.... We both had numerous tests, consultant told us the same, no issues at all just sometimes two people will never ever work. You're creeping me now lol, thanks for taking your time to reply though it's appreciated

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Wed 02-Dec-20 00:01:28

Well given I’m right most of the time. You know I’m right when I say just move on.

ImaSababa Wed 02-Dec-20 00:12:51

Missing the point slightly, but what do you mean about the "masculinity" and "femininity" sides of Mumsnet?

TenShortStories Wed 02-Dec-20 00:16:19

Frame it as a lucky escape. Sharing a child with this woman would have been full of pain and stress and not the happily ever after you envisage with a new baby. I know most stories aren't entirely happily ever after, but this sounded particularly disastrous.

I would also say next time don't get into a relationship with someone that you need to be the knight in shining armour for - it will never end up as a equal partnership and you'll be left disappointed.

Don't worry about the fact that there's a feminism section on here, is a predominantly female site so hardly a surprise. There is a Dadsnet section though, have you seen it?

LouiseTrees Wed 02-Dec-20 00:16:49

I think he means the feminism board. I suppose the male equivalent is the Dadsnet board but then that assumes the poster is a parent in the title.

FingersCrossedForAllOfUs Wed 02-Dec-20 00:26:42

Have you thought about having some counselling? It might be good to talk to someone neutral and help you move on.

It sounds like your ex has many deep seated problems and in time you will hopefully start to see that the relationship was not meant to be.

I just googled and found the miscarriage association have a section with advice for partners. There is support out there which might help you to feel less alone.
I hope in time you can recover from this and find someone who loves you and you can hopefully have a family with.

MimiDaisy11 Wed 02-Dec-20 03:10:15

On the issue of dating profiles, I think people don't do themselves any favours with what they put in them. When I was in my late twenties I used to get messages from men who stated on their profile they were interested in women under 25. It put me off replying. I think sometimes people are thinking of their ideal scenario in filling out dating profiles but a lot would probably consider someone with children etc. It depends on the person and the connection with them.

I'm sorry you went through such a rough relationship. It's cliche but it's probably for the best that you're no longer with them. Like others have said maybe some counselling or support would help you. I think from a hospital's POV they're focusing on their patient. Obviously, it's a strain for the partner involved as well and there should be more support.

SingingSands Wed 02-Dec-20 10:36:44

I'm sorry, that sounds like a rough ride you've been through. In a way, it might be better for you now as to have had a child with your ex would probably not have worked out well.

Just this morning I read a BBC article about a single man adopting his son. Adoption by single men is increasing. Would this be a route to parenthood that you would consider? I fully support it - just because a man is single doesn't mean he can't be a good father.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-55150402

henni85 Wed 02-Dec-20 11:06:19

I genuinely could never see myself having a relationship with a man with kids. Only because it was something I had never experienced. I have children, so know that sounds incredibly selfish! However, I met a great man who has children and it is not an issue at all. Just a new experience that we are figuring out together. I think people can have preconceptions, but most are prepared to challenge them.

Sorry that you have had such a rough time with your ex. Good luck for the future

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