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Anyone suffered from gender disappointment?(32 Posts)
Pregnant with my second and for some reason I’ve started to get obsessed with having a DD. We think we’ll only have two and have a wonderful DS and I’m so surprised and angry with myself that I’m having these thoughts. They’re quite intrusive and making me feel anxious. Obviously I’ll be grateful and lucky to have a healthy child. The rational part of me knows that. But where have these thoughts come from and how to I deal with them so they don’t impact my feelings through this whole pregnancy? Has anyone experienced this?
I fully expect to get flamed for this but I’m only looking for advice as to how to rid myself of these horrible thoughts.
It really only started with I was talking with some friends and mentioned that I knew the exact date of conception as we only DTD once that month as husband works away. She told me that based on my dates and only having had sex once (right on OV) that it’s almost certainly another boy. She then said ‘you’ll have to try again for a girl’ to which I said we would probably only have the two and she said ‘oh that’s a shame’.
Now I feel like I’ll miss out if I don’t have a girl.
There’s a few threads on this it might be worth searching.
I have 2 DDs and will not have any more DC. I remember the mixed feelings about never having a son. Then of course the comments from the small in the brain about ‘you need to give your DH a son’ and even only real women birth sons!
One the DC is here, weirdly all those feelings went (and unwanted comments shut down).
Remember your having a person, with their own identity and personality, this is YOUR little DC. It has nothing to do with the genitals they are born with.
Miss out on what, exactly? You're friend is talking absolute horeshit regardless. My second boy was convinced after only doing it once, very early in the month, its always a 50/50 chance.
How to get rid of horrible thoughts? Realise that children don't come with 'gender' and you're just playing on societies expectations of girls and what you'd want from one, rather than accepting it doesn't matter if you have a boy or girl, they will be their own individual person and a whole experience you couldn't replicate with another child of either sex.
Thanks @Biscusting - people really do say the wildest things! I feel incredibly lucky to be pregnant again and truly feel so disappointed in myself that these thoughts have even gained any traction! I’ll do a search to find some of the threads you’ve mentioned, thank you.
@BrumBoo I’m not saying these thoughts are rational - quite the opposite! I’m also not someone who holds strong gender stereotypes - I’m not particularly ‘girly’ and my DS is a wonderfully sweet and sensitive boy. I don’t envisage a little girl in a tutu with a pink bow - that’s not my expectation - I’m just being honest when I say I’ve been surprised with these intrusive thoughts that I would like this baby to be a girl and becoming worried that I’ll feel ‘incomplete’ without experiencing both.
I don’t want to feel this way, I’m just looking for advice as to how best to stop these thoughts and just be as excited to be pregnant as I was with my last pregnancy when I couldn’t have cared less what the sex of the baby was.
I don’t want to feel this way, I’m just looking for advice as to how best to stop these thoughts and just be as excited to be pregnant as I was with my last pregnancy
If I'm being brutally honest.....best way to stop and put things in perspective is to have a read of the heart breaking stories on the infertility or miscarriage boards.
So, I'm going to possibly go against the grain here and say you don't have to try and force yourself to stop having those thoughts- that sounds exhausting mentally and puts a lot of pressure on you. If it helps, I always openly said I wanted a daughter and now have a 3 year old son (who I love dearly and wouldn't change him for the world). I'm now pregnant with our second (and like you, probably last) child. I still very much want a daughter and am open with this to my DH and family. It used to really annoy me that when you state a preference for one sex that some people think this either means you won't love the child that you get if they're not your preferred sex or you get the "as long as baby's healthy" response as if to imply that this also is somehow less important to you!
What helps me is believing that you can hold multiple positions - i.e. "I can still really want a daughter, and know that I might feel sad at times knowing that I'll never have one. But I also know I'll love my child in any event whether they're a boy or a girl". I've also decided to book a private scan at 16 weeks so that I can find out either way as we didn't find out with DS but this time I'd like to know so that I can feel prepared for when they arrive. I guess what this long ramble is trying to say is please don't judge yourself for having the thoughts and feelings that you do.
I think that's an unfair thing to say @ivfbeenbusy. OP's feelings are perfectly valid.
OP I am in a similiar boat in that I am pregnant with my first, but if I'm honest, had a bit of a cry last week when nub theory pointed heavily towards a boy. Not that I wouldn't love a son, but I've always wanted a daughter and for lots of reasons, a daughter is what I've been so hoping for. We've booked a 16 week gender scan so we can find out sooner and then get more excited for whatever we are having. I think knowing gender will mean we can start bonding more and having proper naming discussions. Will be lovely to say 'his' or 'her' rather than 'it' or 'they'. Maybe something to consider if finding out the gender of this baby sooner may give you more time to get your head around another DS if that's what you are expecting
I agree with some of the pps OP in that your feelings are perfectly valid. It's hard not to imagine the family you would like to have and when things don't work out that way it takes a bit of mental adjustment. You may end up with the girl you wanted (or a girl who doesn't quite fit the picture of what you imagined) or you might have another boy, but in time you will get used to the idea. Try to ignore the stupid comments about needing to try again for a daughter. People say all sorts of stupid shit when you're pregnant and it's best ignored.
I would also say that I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant but unfortunately we've been told our baby is very unwell and I will need to have a termination. It is sad yes, but I don't think for a minute you should feel guilty for having these thoughts just because I and other women are going through different pregnancy related worries! Everyone has their own stresses and worries in life, it's not like they go away because someone else is having an even shittier time of it!
Once you know the gender, you'll be able to process your thoughts and feelings on the subject properly and you'll soon come to terms with having another boy, if indeed that's what you're having. By the time baby arrives, you'll be used to thinking of them as what they are (well, probably are, the scans are not 100%) and be fully excited.
Also, while there does seem to be some truth to the timing theory, it's far from a guarantee either way. You can't know for sure either way based on that.
I had two ds and found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a third. I honestly wanted another boy, I'd never wanted a girl and didn't feel like I would know what to do with one. Found out I was having a girl and I was scared and disappointed if I'm honest. But from the minute she was born I adored her, she's 3 now and I can't imagine not having her, we love her so much!
Thank you all for the comments, I really appreciate it.
@CharlieD2020 that’s a useful suggestion re the gender scan, I didn’t want to know with my first and didn’t expect to feel differently this time but it might be an idea to just stop the obsessive thoughts (I should have mentioned in OP that I suffer from ruminating thoughts when triggered so it’s that I want to nip in the bud).
@Trinpy I am so sorry to hear your baby is unwell and you can’t continue with your pregnancy, truly remarkable you are able to offer such a reasoned response to my pathetic musings but I appreciate it and wish you well
I wonder if it is easy to place an undue amount of significance on the sex of the baby while tpure pregnant, as its kind of the one "fact" you can know about it. You cant do a scan to see if it has blue eyes, or is stubborn, or likes music, or is sporty - but you can find out sex!
I do feel for the majority of people that once theyre born, even if a boy, he will be your little Jimmy and he will be perfect and you wouldnt trade him as then he wouldnt be Jimmy.
@Trinpy I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through! You sound like a lovely, empathetic person who deserves nothing but the best things in life - sending you all of the good vibes and well wishes.
OP - I completely get where you're coming from. I'm having a baby boy in March, it feels so silly and trivial but I do sometimes get 'disappointed' - I see the relationship my sister has with her daughter and I feel like I'm missing out on that by having a boy somehow.
I am of course so grateful to be having a healthy baby and I know when he's here, I wouldn't be able to imagine any other version of events but for now, I do look at cute girls clothes and find lovely girls names and feel sad that I might not get to use them.
I honestly think hormones may be partly to blame, I cried for 20 mins yesterday o er
^over sending an Amazon parcel to the wrong address.
Ultimately your feelings are valid, normal and many other women feel the same. When our babies make their appearances, I'm sure what's between their legs won't matter at all to us but our bloody pregnancy brains like to make us feel like the world is ending.
Best of luck with your pregnancy and hoping everything works out ok x
Why do baby boys get constantly brushed aside by women ? Can’t there be an article where a women says they long for a baby boy for once? Sorry, it just gets on my nerves and I put an article on here for that reason. I understand you’re feelings in gender preference OP, but I never hear anyone on here ever disappointed they are having a girl. It’s always baby boys that seem to get pushed aside and made to feel like a 2nd option.
@DryIce maybe you’re right in that it’s the only identifiable ‘characteristic’ so becomes a point of obsession for some. I know I’ll be happy with either sex - it’s less that I’ll be disappointed if it’s a boy and moreso I would like to experience being a mother to a girl too.
@Tblock I haven’t been on mumsnet before so wasn’t aware of this trend for preference of girls. My own experience of my first pregnancy was being totally neutral on preferred sex but absolutely delighted to have a boy - as I will be to have another one. Having a desire to experience having a girl in no way takes away from my love of having a boy or another boy - just a yearning to experience both for some reason.
I remember the realisation I wouldn’t ever have a DS at my last pregnancy, and I still do feel a pang when I see adult men with their mothers and think I’ll never have a son, but as soon as they are born you can’t imagine them as anything else.
@Ginger33, I’m not directing my frustrations at you sorry. I just see countless articles of baby boy disappointments and I find it sad. It’s never girl disappointments. Baby boys always seem to be 2nd options for a lot of mums and I don’t know why
I'm expecting my second son so completely understand how you feel. Yes I'm over joyed to be having a healthy baby but that doesn't mean I can't grieve the little girl I'm never going to have.... don't listen to people telling you to just "be grateful as many women can't have kids" as we are all entitled to our own feelings and emotions! Lots of love x
Another one here expecting a second son. I did feel sad when we initially found out, but now I feel excited and v grateful to have him and for our first to have a brother. Nothing beats same sex siblings (IMO) and just imagining them growing up together and having one another throughout so many different stages of their lives fills me with joy. It will pass @Ginger33 let the feelings be, then let them go. Whatever is meant to be is meant to be & how nature intended it to go for you x
@Tblock please no need to apologise. It’s interesting if that’s the case but I must admit I find it surprising if girls are generally preferred over boys. I do feel annoyed at myself for even having the thought this time that it would be nice to have one sex over the over. And for no good reason might I add. I don’t buy into any of the typical stereotypes between boys and girls and certainly don’t want a mini me or ‘little princess’ - just a desire to have a daughter for no other reason than getting to experience both. My little boy is the sweetest with babies so he’ll be delighted with either and I know I will be delighted to have another son if that’s what I have.
I do appreciate all the comments - in particular those also pregnant with baby 2 who have shared their similar feelings. Makes me feel less of an awful human.
I have two lovely sons. I’m 16 weeks pregnant and just found out I’m having a girl.. I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed, but I’m absolutely bricking it!
Everyone is so happy for me that I’m “completing my family” but honestly I would have been happy with another boy too.. maybe it’s because I know what I’m doing with boys and never had my own girl before 🤷🏻♀️
I was convinced my 1st was going to be a girl. When I was told at 20 week scan he was a boy, I asked if they were sure. I was a bit upset at the time but wouldn't change him.
It seems like my feelings are quite common which is a relief to be honest as I was feeling terrible for even thinking I hoped it was a girl.
In the meantime my friends comment re timing of DTD and OV has made me google all sorts and actually it does seem there are lots of people who believe these theories! If they’re right (and I’m highly sceptical) then she’s correct and I will have another boy. If I have a girl though it will go against these theories totally as we definitely only DTD the day of my peak OV!
@Ginger33 I’ve heard these theories too about boy sperm being quick to get there and not lasting long, girl sperm apparently swims slower, gets to the Fallopian tube a couple of days later and lives longer than the boy sperm. I’ve known people to time it and successfully choose the sex of their children this way. I’ve also got a friend with girl/boy twins 🤷♀️ So how does that work?
Whatever you have, feel what you feel and work through it. I hope the baby is well and I’m sure you will adore him or her.