AIBU - FiL keeps saying thank you!

(24 Posts)
maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 15:53:07

Im finding myself really irritated by my father in laws reaction to the pregnancy and I can’t tell if it’s hormones, me being unreasonable or he is legitimately being annoying! My in laws have never made any secret of how much they want grandkids, even at our wedding my FiL got hold of the mic during speeches and said he can’t wait to have grandkids blush My husband is only just 29 and we’ve been together years so it’s not as if they’ve had to really wait a long time or there was any real risk that they aren’t getting grandkids.
Fast forward to now and I’m 11 + 5. Quite a few times now when we’ve spoken about the baby Or should a scan he’s said “thank you”. I actually snapped the Last time and said “what are you saying thanks for it’s not a present”. I think I’m just afraid of how smothering they’ll be once the baby arrives. We all get on fine but they can be a bit OTT and I don’t want them turning up at ours constantly. There seems to be almost a feeling that it will be their child not ours! Am I being totally irrational? Please be kind if so!

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Aquamarine1029 Sat 14-Nov-20 15:57:38

How annoying, bordering on creepy. I would have a talk with your husband and get him to put a stop to this. Has your husband heard his dad say this? Like you said, your baby is a present you've created for your in-laws. Ugh.

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:08:17

@Aquamarine1029 Yeah he’s been there whenever FiL has said it, but he’s pretty laid back and just kind of says “oh you know what they’re like”. I might actually get him to have a word with my mother in law though as she’s a bit more reasonable. It makes me want to dig my heels in and not share baby news with them, which isn’t how I want to feel!! Thank you x

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maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:36:05

I should add that we’re living with them temporarily - probably isn’t helping grin !

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TheStripes Sat 14-Nov-20 16:37:52

He’s just really excited and phrasing it badly. Unless there is a huge backstory about him smoothing you, I’d give him some slack and join in with his excitement.

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:46:49

@TheStripes thanks - what does smoothing mean sorry? I’m sooo excited I can’t wait! It’s a much wanted for baby for us smile

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alessandra27 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:48:08

Tbh I'm not seeing the problem from what you've written unless he's generally a creepy and unpleasant character - they're kindly letting you live with them and they're excited and enthusiastic for the birth of a much wanted grandchild. He's probably saying thank you out of gratitude for being permitted to be a part of an exciting period in your life. See it from their side. I'm sure he's not being overbearing out of maliciousness, just gently begin to set boundaries now, but I don't see a reason to be angry or frustrated. It's certainly a fixable problem.


alessandra27 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:48:23

And congratulations!

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 16:53:36

@alessandra27 thanks smile it’s definitely a “thanks for giving us a grandchild” haha as that’s what he’s said.
We’d prefer to be at home it’s a long story though.
I think it’s just with the history of comments about wanting grandkids especially at the wedding! (and the assumption that I wanted a baby without ever asking) and then now kind of acting like we’re doing this for his benefit...idk maybe it’s just hormones and the effects of all being on top of each other! Good to get input though. I’m curious if anyone else’s in laws ever thanked them for Having a grandchild?

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Grumpy19 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:06:26

When I gave birth to my first DC fil said thank you to me! I thought it was a bit of an odd thing to say. He's never said it again with the other children. Maybe it's a generation thing?

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:11:50

I’ll definitely be setting boundaries though haha

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maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:13:34

@Grumpy19 yes good point it could be generational.
I think now I’ve calmed down a bit and got other views (and had a rant to my sister) I’ll just bite my tongue and keep in mind that in a month or so we should be living at home again and I won’t have to hear it! smile

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Moo678 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:23:22

My mother in law regularly thanks me for her grandchildren. It’s weird but far from the least annoying things she does!!! She only had one other child who is highly unlikely ever to reproduce so I guess I was her only hope and to be fair my kids are awesome 😂😂😂

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:29:30

@Moo678 haha aww! Good to hear I’m not the only one - I was feeling slightly like a handmaiden shock

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Smiths84 Sat 14-Nov-20 17:44:29

Congratulations OP. I've felt similar to you and my PIL are lovely, I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones either, I'm 20 weeks now and it's our first, we tried for a year and a half but PIL weren't aware so sometimes when kids got mentioned I used to feel secretly annoyed, my DH was an only child so I know how much they wanted grandkids. We decided to tell both sets of parents before 12 weeks, just so if anything went wrong we would have support, the morning of my 12 week scan my mil messaged saying to enjoy it and also thank you so much for our beautiful grandchild, I don't know why but I found it really irritated me, I think maybe it made me feel more pressured? Logically I know it's probably not a big deal, but it was just how I felt and I can't explain it!

maloney123 Sat 14-Nov-20 18:58:43

@Smiths84 ahh congrats that’s fab news! Yeah same I’m not even too sure WHY it annoyed me - it just does!

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OhThatNamingThing Sun 15-Nov-20 10:24:25

My FiL really annoyed when my daughter was a newborn. He never said thank you, but was constantly saying how much she looked like her dad, how she had her dad’s eyes (they were blue like all newborns, my partner’s eyes are grey), how her hair was just like her dad’s (he has brown, curly hair, she has gingery blonde hair). Made me feel a bit like I hadn’t had a part in making our baby, I just carried her. He also took the last seat in our room so I sat on the floor and then expected me to make lunch. I was so angry, I’d only given birth the week before. He was a bit put out when I told him we were going out for lunch 😂 My daughter is almost 4 now and the spitting image of me, he still says she looks like her dad. Luckily my partner agrees with me about his dad being wrong

OhThatNamingThing Sun 15-Nov-20 10:25:41

Congratulations OP! Hopefully you will feel better when you have your own space again. You must be so patient, I definitely would have snapped

maloney123 Sun 15-Nov-20 10:57:37

@OhThatNamingThing omg you poor thing, how did you have the patience! People are mad the way they behave aren’t they! Is his behaviour better now?
I’m getting those comments too as FiL side of the family is from Cyprus so a lot of comments about how the baby will look Cypriot. My parents are both dead so it feels extra insensitive really. And thank you! X

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readyforroundtwo Sun 15-Nov-20 11:01:41

Hi Op,
My MIL for ages wouldn't stop going on about us having a second child. Whilst I love her dearly, she can be very very overbearing and at times extremely irritating so I do empathise and understand what it's like to have in-laws who mean well but can be quite annoying.

We also lived with her when I was pregnant with my first DS, luckily for only a short time but your irritation is probably a combination of not having your own space and horemones smile

I'm sure your FIL is just so excited and wanting to feel part of this new exciting chapter in your lives. You probably feel that he saying it often because you are living there. Once you've gone back to living in your own place and their visits are on your terms, any comments probably won't bother you, or not as much.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Sun 15-Nov-20 11:07:57

Oh that would annoy me. Like you I would be worrying that they were going to think this child gave them the right to pop by whenever they wanted, or think they have a say in how the child is raised.

OhThatNamingThing Sun 15-Nov-20 11:34:07

@maloney123 both of my pil are a bit overbearing and a little insensitive still. I put it down to an age thing as they’re both in their 60’s now. Luckily we live quite far from them and when we visit our hometown, I have a day with my mum while my partner takes our daughter to visit his family. His whole family is a little too loud for me 😂 We are expecting our second and I’m sure we’ll have the same comments, thankfully we have plenty of chairs now

Elieza Sun 15-Nov-20 12:07:42

Congrats on your pregnancy smile
I think they are just grateful they will have the chance to be around your baby, as they must have enjoyed having their own babies.

You said you will set boundaries (hopefully including ‘phone before you come round to check we are in/not asleep or breast feeding’ etc) so I don’t see them being a problem. You won’t let them be a problem!

If they are good people and love your child they will be a great support to you. Babies are knackering. You will be so glad of them sometimes!

If your dp has any concerns about anything bad they did to him when he was a child then he should discuss that with them to make sure they don’t treat your child like that. (General stuff like eat the potatoes I know you hate or you can’t leave the table - which I think is cruel, or say stupid things like You’re never playing with your cousin again if you don’t put your shoes back on, that kind of thing that’s a stupid thing to say! Corporal punishment or locking in a bedroom for bed wetting or whatever. Some families are weird but if they brought him up with sensible rules and there are no concerns it will be fine.

maloney123 Sun 15-Nov-20 12:13:38

@readyforroundtwo @Elieza thanks! I definitely think once we’re home again it will be easier. He has said the odd thing in the past about how it’s ridiculous you can’t smack a child anymore etc etc but I’ll be making it very clear that nobody is to touch my child! But that’s a whole other topic grin

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion exactly this! Ps love your username haha

@OhThatNamingThing hahaha the comment about the chairs made me laugh!! Maybe moving further away is the answer here!

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