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The Obsession & Misery(1 Post)
I’m 9 months pregnant and I am obsessed with going into labour.
Usually I’m fit and active and bar my usual hormonal cycle, I am happy but pregnancy for me is a whole other story. It mentally and emotionally f**ks me up almost right from the start.
Anyway, the past few weeks have been hell. Physically I can barely move without being in pain, particularly with my back, pelvis and other joints and I am desperate for it to end. I feel huge and have 2 stretch marks right in the middle of my stomach which I swear are growing by the day and I hate them. My foof is swollen and tender (as last time, no infections here), I’m regularly dripping with sweat, absolutely not glowing and have this baby’s head pushing and turning so low in my pelvis that I swear I can feel her on my cl*t and may as well eat and drink on the toilet - there is no room for anything to stay in storage.
I have a 2yo and last time I recovered really quickly without any stretch marks! With breastfeeding, the weight loss just happened and I got back into fitness and horse riding etc (with support) quite easily. This for me enhances my impatience to just get this baby out as I feel on a constant and fast downward spiral. I want desperately to be on the other side, baby in arms and on the up.
I do want a natural birth so am waiting for spontaneous labour but it has totally consumed my brain. Despite best attempts at distraction and even with the constant distraction of our little toddler, I am totally obsessed with wanting to get her out. There seems nothing intense enough which is able to maintain my full attention and which I can fully immerse in to escape my wishful thinking. I think about labour starting pretty much every minute of every day and hope and wish that it does right that second. Each morning I wake up truly miserable that I have to get through yet another day of pregnancy, wishing that I had woken up in soggy sheets and was enduring the increasing pain and intensity of contractions.
I have tried to focus on the positives and I do feel truly blessed but I’m now really struggling to control my emotions around the misery and disappointment. I would love to be happy or even content and at peace with just waiting but my day to day coping strategies are failing.