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Only 1 birth partner

(13 Posts)
EBM20 Fri 28-Aug-20 22:41:19

Im due a baby in november, not going to go into the long story but me and my partner do not live together, we both live at our parents and will be staying that way until after the baby is here and once we get onto our feet financially (Coronavirus hit us hard financially) we will be getting our own place together. I do not get allong with his mum who he lives with and he does not get along with my parents who I live with.

My partners mum is staying at his brothers house to look after his children whilst he's away the week after my due date. She has told my partner that he is not to be out the house for long periods of time and has to be at home every night for the cat as he gets lonely. The plan was the first few nights I'm home after the baby, my partner would suck up his differences with my parents and stay over to help and support me for the first few nights. Now she has said about not leaving the cat over night this may not be possible if I go over due, it upsets me that he puts his mums wishes before supporting me and our newborn baby.

After a few days of thinking (over thinking probably). I'm worried that if I end up staying in hospital over the time that he cannot leave the house for long periods of time, he will not visit me as much whilst I'm in hospital as the hospital is a 40 minute drive away so he would also be relying on friends to take him to the hospital. It also upsets me that I would be going home with no support, of course I have my parents but I do not expect support over night from them, that's what he was staying over to do!

I am thinking I should plan to have someone else to be the birth partner, someone I can rely on fully supporting me and visiting as much as possible after I give birth. I just don't know how to approach him with telling him as I know he will be upset not being at the birth of his baby.

I'm so annoyed at his mum for putting this on him and he is such a mummy's boy still that he goes along with whatever she says as he's afraid of upsetting her. He doesnt see the issue with doing what his mum has told him and possibly not being there to support me with the baby in the early days.

OP’s posts: |
Gerdticker Fri 28-Aug-20 22:53:28

Hmm, I just wonder - are you sure his Mum definitely has been the one to put pressure on him to ‘stay with the cat’?
Or is he possibly, just possibly, using this as a convenient excuse, as he doesn’t want to stay at your house with your parents?

Either way, true or not, it is not reflecting well on him.
He is about to become a father, and you are about to go through one of the most physically and emotionally challenging phases of your life.
If he wants to be your partner in the long term, he needs to understand how important he is to you and your new child. That birth brings a great deal of uncertainty, and different things that could happen, and that you need him to seriously get it together for you, like NOW!

Why don’t your parents like him?

Best wishes, these are tough times. Hugs! X

Gerdticker Fri 28-Aug-20 22:55:08

P.s I don’t think you’re over-thinking things. Your concerns are legitimate and you’re right to think this stuff through x

Aquamarine1029 Fri 28-Aug-20 22:59:49

She has told my partner that he is not to be out the house for long periods of time and has to be at home every night for the cat as he gets lonely.

Is this a joke or is she really that batshit?

He doesnt see the issue with doing what his mum has told him and possibly not being there to support me with the baby in the early days.

If this is true, your relationship is doomed. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Your boyfriend is fucking useless and a total mummy's boy.

Have your mum be your birth partner and plan to be a single mum.

EBM20 Sat 29-Aug-20 05:49:40

Yes his mum is being serious and I wouldn't put it past her not to be. She kicked off last year when she went on holiday and he picked up extra hours at work and stayed at his brothers for one night due to his house being closer to his work and not having to get a bus then a train into work. He had even arranged for someone to go round and play with the cat for an hour in the evening and to go round and feed him in the morning. The cat is like her baby,its a house cat, she gives it way too much attention in my eyes and gets aggressive if you don't give him attention when he wants it.

OP’s posts: |
Prettybluepigeons Sat 29-Aug-20 05:52:26

Can I ask how old you both are?

mellowww Sat 29-Aug-20 05:56:15

Bless you. His mum sounds a handful.

I'm tempted to say ask your mum to talk to her, grandma-to-grandma. I personally feel like having a quiet chat with her myself ...........

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden Sat 29-Aug-20 06:04:11

You're not overthinking things. He needs to support you during and after the birth of his child. If he's not able to do that then you should definitely seek support from elsewhere instead of him and he will have to accept that.

It's up to him to prioritise you and his newborn baby, not his mother or her cat. He has to make the decision to be by your side.

OverTheRainbow88 Sat 29-Aug-20 06:04:26

Wow, he’s prioritising his mums cat over you and the baby.
Yes, I would find a different birth partner and possibly a different father for my child!

EBM20 Sat 29-Aug-20 16:07:31

I'm seeing him tonight after not seeing him all week as he told me this on monday and I've been very pissed off with him. He must know I'm not happy with the situation. I just don't know how to approach to tell him that he will not be my birth partner

OP’s posts: |
firsttimemummyxxxxx Sat 29-Aug-20 17:15:47

You’d think as a grandma, she would be prioritising her grandchild spending time with their dad in the first week of the babies life!

He needs to be prioritising you and the baby, not his mum or her cat!

Also - if the mums away can the cat not go to a cattery...

LovingLola Sat 29-Aug-20 17:47:26

I think you know in your heart and soul that this relationship is not going to last.
Let him mind the cat
Have your mum with you when your baby is born.

NoGinNotComingIn Sat 29-Aug-20 17:47:32

Are you really young or something?

My brother and his wife are very into their holidays and have many every year, we look after their cats as we live 5 min away. It involves filling their food and water bowls every day/other day, he has 4 cats (I think? I don't even know lol!). I find it hard to believe he needs to cat sit, cats are independent and do their own thing.

Can't you go and rent somewhere short term? Even if it's just a couple of months? I don't think it's fair excluding the father from the birth over what seems pretty silly reasons.

You'll have to get on with one another's families if you plan to stay together, maybe work on building bridges if you can't afford renting?

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