Hi,
Sorry it's so long.
I'm not sure how to start. I'm new to all of this sharing feeling and reaching out for help.
I live in the UK with my husband and my beautiful daughter (IVF) all I have is my daughter my family live far away and I have maybe 2 friends. Due to covid-19 I'm still not back at work and my line manager doesn't think I will be back until 2022.
I just found out I'm expecting a healthy baby boy due in the early new year but I'm not happy about any of it, I know I should be over the moon but I'm not I'm rather upset by it all and struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I never wanted was a Christmas/ new year's baby and I longed for another girl, someone for my daughter to have a friend for life and never feel alone in a world with no other family ( same sex sibling tend to have a stranger bond), the cute outfit. I just had this image in my head I can't shake.
I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time). I just struggling to come to terms with the baby being a boy.
This pregnancy comes after a 9 week IVF lose, a lose I'm still struggling to come to terms with.
I'm scared I won't bond with my son the way I do with my daughter, I'm scared I won't ever love him because right now all I feel is complete and utter sadness, I'm scared the way I'm feeling is affecting him now.
I can't talk to my husband because he thinks I'm being stupid after everything we have been through I should just be happy. I can't talk to my mum although she might understand because she never wanted girls and had 2 ( she didn't think she could protect us from sexual abuse) because she doesn't want to know what we are having. All I want to do is feel happy and excited and I don't know how. I just feel this pregnancy is everything I never wanted i spent my pregnancy with my daughter if fear of losing her due to medical reasons and this pregnancy was meant to be the one I could enjoy and look forward to but due to the lose and then PPMR at 16 weeks I'm high risk and live in fear again.
I'm sorry it's so long and possibly basically unreadable rambling, I'm currently crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me vent x
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Pregnancy
Gender disappointment, depression
90 replies
AussiesMumUK · 19/08/2020 23:13
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