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PND ? Embarrassed by this post(20 Posts)
I need to vent. I need someone to talk to.
I'm a FTM. My baby is 3 weeks old.
I'm totally embarrassed and ashamed that I am writing this.
Iv wanted this baby a long long time. It's been a massive struggle and iv finally got her.
I absolutely adore her to bits.
However I am really struggling. I'm getting very little support from my partner. He works full time & I understand he needs to sleep.
However I'm absolutely drained myself. I almost feel working full time is a peace of cake compared to having a newborn. I'm doing everything. Every feed day and night. Cooking, cleaning, and office work for his business.
My baby can be quite hard work especially evenings and night. Tonight she's been up since 9pm and still hasn't gone down 1.30am ... she feeds every 2/3 hours.
Im in floods of tears and literally feel I hate my life. Iv no time to myself at all. I'm so scared of talking to anyone as I absolutely adore this baby don't get me wrong! And I'm scared they will judge me on having my baby and take her away.
I'm super scared I'm getting PND. I'm just a very tired mumma who needs some help and support & I don't no what to do 😭
Instead of my partner taking the weekend as family time he's now decided he's working. we have had a massive argument tonight Iv basically said I'm bringing this baby up single handed so I actually don't see the point in this relationship. 🤷🏼♀️. Maybe I'm just being a hormonal cow!
It's a big shock your first DC. Well it was for me!
I had a terrible birth, we moved house 3 days after dd1 was born and my family lived on the other side of the world and dh family in another country in Europe.
Was I depressed? Absolutely 😞 But I never called it pnd because it was the circumstances of my life that were depressing me, I had pockets of happiness with dd1.
The first year was such a slog. I didn't think I'd ever want another DC. It took 3 years before I could even contemplate it but the second time around was so easy, i felt annoyed I'd missed out on so much with dd1.
Your 3 weeks in to a major life changing event, it's ok to go wtaf. Your DP needs to step up, working all hours to avoid family life is not good.
Dh and I had a few fights early on as we were both exhausted and couldn't really appreciate the other's exhaustion.
Having a baby is so overwhelming, it's completely normal to struggle. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Have a chat with your midwife if you've not been signed off yet or your HV for advice.
You also need to sit with your partner to talk about this and he needs to buck up. Working for 40 hours a week is not the same as caring for a newborn 24/7. Like PP, I had a number of fights with mine in the early days (as did every one I know) and it was all about getting more support. Have a think about what you need to happen to make things easier for you and tell him that's what he needs to do.
Hope you managed to get some sleep.
I'd relax the cleaning and his office work. Let the world take a back seat and focus on yourself the hours baby is asleep.
You don't have to do it all. We are no longer in the 1950's and some men need to see that.
It’s so normal to have time to adjust to a new family dynamic. Add in the sleep deprivation and sure, it feels horrible sometimes. talking to the midwife or anyone in rl will not come as a shock to anyone. It is absolutely normal, and no one will doubt your love for your baby at all. Looking after a baby, especially in the first few months, is more than a full time job. Lose the extra work your doing. Office work is not your job right now. The pictures of woman working on a laptop with a baby on their knee that you often see are a pile of steaming crap. Office work and baby care do not mix. Rest, recover, focus on your and your baby’s immediate needs. Your life will rebuild over time and step by step. Congratulations by the way, it’s (very) tough for a few months but you’ll get there 🌻
Thank you. It's good to no people don't think I'm going completely mad 🙈
I had an argument with partner last night and funnily he came up and fed DD this morning without me asking although it was 10am.
We didn't get to sleep from 9pm until 2am but she did sleep until 7am so I think she tired herself out 😂
Honestly exhausted and I can work full time daytime and do night lambing on our farm at the same time and it's not a patch on having a new born 😂
I do hope this gets easier 🤞🏻
The worse bit is I think I'm still shattered from the labour part which lasted 3 whole days 3 weeks ago and my body's still not right pain wise
First baby and first year is the hardest. And these months are a shock to the system.
You aren't alone. I remember those days well. It is hard! Luckily it gets easier but you have to take one day at a time.
Remember, baby being awake in the night is normal. Feeding is normal. If you're breastfeeding then it is to build up supply and it will make breastfeeding so much easier after.
Moving onto the father. Start with not doing his office work. Gosh, you've got a little baby to look after, you should not be working.
Forget keeping up with cleaning right now. Yes, you may want to wash dishes or do a little hoovering here and there but it's not a priority right now. If you feel like there's too much stuff around you, the best thing I did was get rid of a lot of things and go down the minimalism route. With children, having more things means more to tidy, clean and put away.
He absolutely cannot run away from looking after the baby even when he's working. A normal thing to do is hand baby over as soon as he walks through the door, no joke. He needs to seriously pull his weight. Tell him things will get easier but right now he needs to be there and do his duty as a father because you are working 24/7 and all night too.
It's so hard to see how things get easier but it does but you really need his support along the way. I wish we did things differently in the first year but it's tough to think straight after birth, body healing (tool me 6 months), lack of sleep and just being out of it.
You cannot do everything so stop! Stop doing his office work and all the cooking and cleaning! You are still recovering from giving birth and you have a 3 week old to look after.
If your partner doesn’t understand that then I would question why he bothered having a baby. You are not being hormonal!
You are supposed to be a team, remind him of this.
Not all partners provide emotional support and it sounds like yours is one of the cold ones. Take control of what you can control and let the rest sort itself out. By that I mean I agree with PP who said stop the office work and cleaning. Just keep baby happy, changed and well fed. If you've clearly stated that your partner is not helping and how you want things to change, it's up to him to make changes. You can't take yourself out of the relationship at this early stage because that's more trouble than it's worth. You can agree a plan with yourself about when to reassess your future. I think you're doing an amazing job loving that precious child, doing everything day and night, and selling support outside of your relationship. Some emotional detachment from your partner is important for your own mental health. Please do reach out to anyone who cares about you and keep in touch regularly to vent. You deserve it. If no one fits the bill, contact Good Samaritans and your GP for support. I used to work closely with social services and they would never in a million years judge you negatively for feeling depressed or unsupported! Please don't worry
Don't be embarrassed everyone feels this way at some point
You need to have a serious chat with oh and insist on a break and on going routines
I did all the nights in a separate room but oh did all housework and gave me a lie in sat and Sunday
In lockdown we take it in turns to give each other a lie in
Ivf mum here too and you can build up expectations. And put a lot of pressure on the experience, be kind to yourself
Grasping at straws To be positive , maybe he is working longtime to be a good provider??
In my opinion, having a full time job doesnt make anyone exempt from basic household chores. After all, if he was living by himself, he would be doing that all plus his job. So why should you be doing it all? Especially with a newborn baby?
Your husband sounds too happy to let you just struggle. Maybe he doesnt realise how hard it is, and a good dose of his own medicine would help?
Instead of my partner taking the weekend as family time he's now decided he's working.
Won't mind also doing his own office work going forward then will he?
for you OP. It's tough in the beginning, so I feel for you. Sleep deprivation is a killer. If you feel yourself slipping then absolutely speak to your HV/GP; I promise you no health professional will try to take your baby away if you admit to them you're struggling, they see this all the time and they'll just want to help you. Do you have other family or friends who could take baby for a while so you could get some sleep? Not that they should have to if your partner is around, but it may help you feel more human again in the short term. I had similar feelings when DS was tiny, but they vanished as soon as I got a solid few hours of sleep and everything seemed more manageable
How you’re feeling is likely normal unfortunately. Sleep deprivation is torture! I would imagine you feel a little better today having had a longer block of sleep so that should show you.
Agree with others that you should stop worrying about cleaning etc and only do the bare minimum. Your partner needs to pitch in and help though. He should at least do one night feed to give you a break and allow you time to rest in order to recover.
I was sore until at least 6 weeks postpartum and didn’t feel normal in terms of discomfort until closer to 3/4 months. And I wasn’t depressed, it’s just a huge adjustment and it’s hard for men to get what we go through. Hang in there and talk to your HV if no improvement soon x
Dont feel embarrassed at all. I had a relatively 'easy' baby and still threw him at DH the minute he got in from work. It is so hard in the beginning. Competitive tiredness doesnt get anyone anywhere but you need sleep so he needs to understand this. You are solely responsible for your baby, you cant do that if you are falling asleep yourself.
I remember feeling exactly the same. I had to be so strict with DH (and myself). The way I saw it we both had a day job and then in the evenings we would share childcare. In reality I still did more than him but phrasing in that way made him aware of the expectations. For us what worked was him being responsible for the baby until around 2am (he used to cuddle her and watch TV while I slept) and then I was responsible from 2-7. On the weekends he would then sort out her breakfast while I got another nap. It does get easier.
Speak to your health visitor. They can get you in touch with local groups and support.
Also, STOP doing his office work. You are on mat leave. You shouldn't be working.
No one is going to take your baby away if you admit you’re struggling, my goodness that will not happen! Please talk to someone, maybe one of them will talk to your partner and knock some sense into him. It’s good to have some professional back up, or even talk to family. Don’t struggle alone.
I really struggled with PND when DS was born so I can promise you no one is going to take your baby away from you. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it - I remember having a full on break down at my GPs 🙈 I shouldn’t have left it that long to get help.
As far as your partner is concerned what ended up working for DH and myself was splitting the evenings in shifts. DH would look after baby from 7pm - 11pm while I slept and then we would swap. Even though I was still doing more hours it meant I would get one block of sleep at night time and would try and nap when baby did during the day (not easy I know!)
Where abouts are you based OP?
The first six weeks are so hard. You're tired, hormones and emotions are everywhere.
Don't be hard on yourself. Ask friends and family for help. Also remember that you don't need a show home. Try to rest when baby rests rather than rush round cleaning.
It does get easier, it is just a learning curve for you all
Thank you everyone. It's so nice to hear that it's not just me struggling.
It's definitely a learning process for everyone. My mum has offered to have baby one night next week if I continue to have bad nights with her bless her!
I'm liking the idea of the shifts. I'm definitely taking all the comments on board and will discuss with partner tomorrow.
He's been a tad more helpful today on occasions after my word with him last night.
I don't clean to much I promise but Iv got two dogs and the hair and grit all gets a bit much downstairs and I do like a clean kitchen 🙈
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