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Am I being unreasonable over ex partner?

(34 Posts)
Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 11:21:29

I’m 30 weeks pregnant. Baby’s Dad and I are not together, we haven’t been since early days of pregnancy although did have a relatively good relationship before the spilt.
The lockdown meant we didn’t see each other for a long time as we don’t live together.
He hasn’t offered to contribute financially at all but I have been keeping him updated with the pregnancy, pictures, videos so he can see baby moving, updates of any appointments etc. He has decided to say to me the other day that he feels pushed out - he then took up massive issue that I had met up with a few friends and not him - we’re not together!! He carried on and on about this and it really upset me. I have already been admitted to hospital during this pregnancy with BP issues and it is a risk, after the messages I checked my BP and it was v elevated. I told him that I’ve kept him in the loop as much as I can and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. He carried on having a go at me so I’ve now decided I want minimal contact with him until the birth (only essential info and then I’ll inform of the birth - he won’t be attending)
I feel this is best for my health. I was planning on giving baby my surname but including him on BC but now I’m having second thoughts on the latter.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
Tiredandsick2 Mon 10-Aug-20 12:01:05

I'm in a similar situation. It's very annoying that someone wants to know everything and be kept in the loop but are not interested in the finacial side or provide support to the mother who is actually doing it. You need to put your self first and look after yourself you dont need the stress. The father can be have a chance after the birth to prove himself.

Feralkidsatthecampsite Mon 10-Aug-20 12:06:55

Yabu to have given him so much head space. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy - his own actions will decide how involved he gets to be with the baby. It isn't up to you to manage their relationship.

457as Mon 10-Aug-20 12:49:43

It's so hard for men because they're easily cut out if they're not there to feel the movements etc. Maybe ask him if he'd like to pay for a private scan so that he can attend? Important to get the balance right now before the baby comes and it's all about the baby.
Why would you cut his name out the birth certificate?! Your child will want it's father on the certificate surely when it's older!

IamMaz Mon 10-Aug-20 12:59:29

He has to attend to register the birth to have his name on the birth certificate. That's his admission of being the baby's father.

Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 13:23:17

@457as well I don’t want to pay for a private scan because I would be paying for it myself and I’ve bought everything else already plus I don’t want to spend time in his presence because he makes me stressed which affects my blood pressure which I previously stated.
In terms of the BC - naming him would give him parental rights, equal to my own and that isn’t something that I’m comfortable with at the moment but it can be amended in future but not the other way round. If there was a way to not have all PR and name then I would. My child will know who it’s father is because they will know him! Personally I’ve never in my 20+ years of life seen my birth certificate don’t know about you.

OP’s posts: |
ivfdreaming Mon 10-Aug-20 13:33:53

Birth certificates are a legal document and he should be named on

If you didn't want to give him equal rights as a father then I'm sorry but you shouldn't have had a baby with him.....

Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 13:44:35

@ivfdreaming that’s quite judgemental as obviously I’ve given an brief overview of the situation but surely, as a female (which I assume you are) you would realise that no woman would be flippantly considering leaving it off or leaving it off out of spite. The decision would be to safeguard my child because I am not entirely sure how things, based on recent events, will pan out. I would like to see how things go and then amend it if I am comfortable as I preciously stated. I’ve no idea if my father is on my birth certificate, I’ve never thought to ask my mother, I’ve known him my entire life.

Pregnancy sometimes isn’t planned - even if people do take precautions - something I’m sure you’re also aware of. He had initially wanted an abortion, which I wasn’t going to entertain, yet that is not really something that I need to divulge to you.

OP’s posts: |
457as Mon 10-Aug-20 13:51:55

He should have parental rights, that's not your call! You've asked for our opinions so take them on board rather than biting back.

Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 13:52:09

@Tiredandsick2 thank you for your response. Sorry to hear that you’re in a similar situation, it’s not ideal and very stressful isn’t it. Particularly when people want to judge from afar without knowing the ins and outs of your life. Really hope you’re doing ok x

OP’s posts: |
Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 13:55:21

@457as not biting back, just responding.
A question - so you would be comfortable with someone sharing equal parental rights with you if you were unsure if your child would be safe?
I agree that fathers should have equal rights, there are some amazing dads out there who I’m lucky enough to have one however not everyone deserves them and there are a catalogue of reasons why.

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Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 13:56:25

@457as legally, I do believe it is my call how the birth is registered.

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LatteLover12 Mon 10-Aug-20 14:00:58

He's already shown very little interest in your pregnancy/baby and he's had a go at you for not being in touch enough when it sounds like you've kept him in the loop as much as possible.

You're obviously headed for a life as a lone parent & I agree with you that I wouldn't have him at the birth and I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate for exactly the reasons you say.

457as Mon 10-Aug-20 14:01:10

The baby is 50% yours and 50% his. Your pregnancy (ie birthing plan) is all about you/your decision. But this baby is not solely your responsibility, it just feels like it at the moment because you hold all the cards. You've doomed him to failure even before he can prove himself as a father. Why not give him the right he has, being the father, and see how he does. Otherwise you've started on a negative road from page 1.

LillianBland Mon 10-Aug-20 14:03:43

ivfdreaming

Birth certificates are a legal document and he should be named on

If you didn't want to give him equal rights as a father then I'm sorry but you shouldn't have had a baby with him.....

OP is under no legal obligation to add him to the birth certificate. If he thinks he has the right to dictate to the OP who she sees, then I can understand why she’s becoming anxious. He sounds as if he’s making the pregnancy about his needs, rather than her health and well-being.

It’s also not about HIS rights, but the baby’s. He can still have contact with the baby if he proves himself a good father, but no child deserves to have enforced contact with a parent who does not prioritise the child’s needs. Part of that priority, should be respecting the other parent.

FelicityPike Mon 10-Aug-20 14:13:27

If you don’t invite him to the registration appointment all he needs do is apply to court and after a DNA test he WILL be added to his child’s birth certificate and you can not stop that.
He has as much “right” to be on the certificate as you do.
But definitely carry on and give the baby your name.
Also you mentioned dad hasn’t contributed financially...he doesn’t have to until baby is born, contact CMS (or whatever it’s called) and organise maintenance that way (although it’s not 100% failsafe though).

LillianBland Mon 10-Aug-20 14:16:45

If you don’t invite him to the registration appointment all he needs do is apply to court and after a DNA test he WILL be added to his child’s birth certificate and you can not stop that.

No problem. It will show how much fatherhood means to him, if he does that and maybe he’ll step up. On the other hand, it will give the OP breathing space while she’s getting to grips with being a new mother.

Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 14:19:20

@LillianBland thank you for your supportive message. I’m not in any way planning on pushing him out of baby’s life, I’m just not entirely comfortable at the moment and it’s something I’m considering. He is also very adamant about his surname and won’t compromise with double barrelled so I’m nervous about registering with him in case his insists. I really want baby to just have my surname but I would have begrudgingly accepted both names.

@FelicityPike thank you for your response, I did think there would be a way of him getting it changed if he wanted to, I’m not sure if that is something he would do or not at the moment. He hasn’t contributed at all but I’ve accepted that it is how it is and I don’t want the stress and bother of trying to demand money from someone, I’m ok financially and I do have the support from my family, I’ll see what he is like when baby is here as it could be very different but I don’t hold out too much hope on that front.

OP’s posts: |
LillianBland Mon 10-Aug-20 14:21:51

OP, the more I read about him the more convinced I am that you need to have your baby’s birth certificate signed before he even knows about the birth. He could go and sign it with all the details he wants on it, without you being there. There’s nothing to stop him.

LillianBland Mon 10-Aug-20 14:30:51

Sorry, I need to correct myself, an ex boyfriend can’t sign the certificate without a declaration from you saying he’s the father. Sorry if I’ve scared you.

Prettylittlelady Mon 10-Aug-20 14:45:14

Thank you! That did out the fear of God into me! @LillianBland just really unsure what to do for the best.

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Feralkidsatthecampsite Mon 10-Aug-20 15:31:44

Sorry but he doesn't get to be adamant about anything right now.
Your surname. Him not on the bc. He can be added later but can't be taken off.
You deserve some time without him bullying you after the birth.

Wankpuffin Mon 10-Aug-20 16:12:26

@Prettylittlelady wow, I’m so sorry you are getting a hard time on here re the BC.

Don’t put him on it. And Christ, do not give the baby his surname - you aren’t together there is no need.

He’s causing you stress, he’s not paid for a thing for baby. He can prove himself to be a good father after the birth if he wants to. Then you can make decisions about adding him.

You are doing far more than most by updating him with videos etc.

Try and rest and it get stressed. You need to think about yourself and your baby, not him.

Wankpuffin Mon 10-Aug-20 16:12:56

*and not get stressed.

kim160790 Mon 10-Aug-20 16:25:13

Yes her ex can go to court for parental responsibility my ex did the same BUT that doesn't mean he will be put on birth certificate. My ex isn't on my sons birth certificate and happy that he isn't

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