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AIBU to have mixed feelings?

(6 Posts)
[AUTO]d3jqakcn9qlt2 Sat 01-Aug-20 08:53:26

Please be kind. We have been together for 8 years, and had been ttc for 3 years, several months ago partner's sperm tested (twice) extremely low for both quantity and quality. It's been a really tough few years emotionally, especially going through the ups and downs of menstrual cycle every month. I had very bad pmt and horrible cramps/migraines etc every month too. We have a great relationship and always had said we didn't want ivf, that we would just make our lives about something else instead. So when we were told we that ivf would be the best option for us we already knew we didn't want to take that route. Anyway, when seeing the consultant and having my investigations I had explained that I don't have a great time each month and that I had been to the gp and to A&E previously with pain after sex, consultant suggests endo and puts me on waiting list for surgery. She said it might relate to infertility but dh sperm count would still require ivf. Several months later I have the surgery, they find some endo tissue and remove it, but nothing that extreme. The same month, two weeks later, I conceived. I'm now 9 weeks and I've spent the entire time being really confused, torn between being over the moon as I always wanted a baby, but also in complete shock as I had come to terms with the idea of not having children. In fact I've just quit my job and I have a place on a teacher training course starting this September. Baby due right in the middle of the academic year. Additionally we're really not in a great financial position which I know everyone must feel to some extent but we have a decent chunk of unsecured debt (always maneagble and taken out for necessities, but none the less pretty rubbish when you're looking at a reduction in income), mortgage term ends next summer and plan was that I would have secured a teaching job and therefore be able to remortgage (my salary has dropped since we got current mortgage so remortgaging early isn't an option bc of affordability). Basically, the timing is terrible and in having this baby we will put ourselves in a worse position for the next few years as well as really struggle to get through. I'm genuinely worried about how we will survive. In the back of my head, some rational part of me is considering a termination. If I don't have this baby I will be able to get myself qualified and get a good job, and thus the bare minimum of maternity pay and rights etc. As it is, I'll be a student who will likely only be able to take off a minimum of time with baby before going back and finishing, which means the separation as well as childcare costs (?). Additionally our mortgage will increase to standard interest rates which will make life even less affordable, right at the time when our costs will go up and our ability to work will go down. All I keep thinking about is how I don't know how I would feel if I never got pregnant again, and I had got rid of a baby. I'm so conflicted and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because the consensus is that if you have a child after infertility I should feel infinitely grateful and joyous. Actually I just feel really afraid and out of control, and I'm worried about screwing up my future. To be a parent I want to be the best I can be and that for me means having a career. I know it's not all about money, and we have parents who wouldn't see us on the street etc so we're lucky in so many ways, but the thought of being dependent is also really scary. Thanks for getting through this far. If you have any wise words they would be appreciated. 🙂

OP’s posts: |
Teacaketotty Sat 01-Aug-20 08:59:39

I think it’s normal for your to feel this way OP as you had already come to terms that children weren’t going to be a part of your future so changing all your plans and all the implications will be scary!

I would think very hard about ultimately what you want to do, in your situation if you really do want a child I would investigate how you can make the financials work in the short term. Obviously you know if you do terminate and try again in a few years once things settle another pregnancy may not happen for you - which given how much you’ve said you both want children could be even harder to accept given the current pregnancy.

If you want it enough I’m sure you can make it work! You could always go back to teacher training next year or something similar, don’t know if distance learning is an option part time?

fedupandlookingforchange Sat 01-Aug-20 09:04:12

You might be eligible for maternity allowance if you've worked a certain number of weeks.
I've had one baby (now 3) and the second is due next week in less than ideal financial circumstances. Babies are fairly cheap if you don't need childcare. Babies also don't care how expensive stuff is they just want time from their families and that includes grandparents. If you have parents who will help in terms of both time and money (when desperate ) Id go for it.

[AUTO]d3jqakcn9qlt2 Sat 01-Aug-20 09:16:10

Thanks both. It's so nice to have level headed replies to this when I feel so not level headed! I will be eligble for maternity allowance I think, because I've been working up to now, but putting off the whole year isn't really an option because I can't have no income at all (if I start the training I will get a small amount of student loan and bursary for a few months). Annoyingly my current school where I work in a support role pushed for me to hand in my resignation early, so they could hire my replacement in good time. Seemed a little off but reasonable to me, given that they knew i was leaving for teacher training anyway and were supportive of the fact. I have no intentions on spending loads of money on the baby but even silly things like the upfront cost of reusable nappies (eco and saves money in the long run) seem impossible. I think it's just going to be getting my head around this not going to plan (ie childcare when very young rather than the nice long bonding maternity period I always envisaged). I guess life never really goes to plan does it 😂. I do count myself so lucky and I know so many amazing people make really hard situations work. Just very daunting times x

OP’s posts: |
fedupandlookingforchange Sat 01-Aug-20 10:19:31

They are very strange times. I wouldn't rush into buying baby equipment inc reusable nappies. Keep an eye out for second hand, buy when you need it e.g don't buy a cot early (I was given 2), make it clear you'll accept things if you're given them.
I tried and failed with reusable nappies so I'd go for disposables at first then see how you go.
Sign up to all the online baby clubs such as boots etc for the discounts and look at the outlet pages from manufacturers such as silver cross. I got a half price pram/pushchair and and more than half price car seat due the colour! it wasn't even a wacky colour.

Teacaketotty Sat 01-Aug-20 10:31:08

Also look out on Facebook for baby items, I’ve just given away a load of clothes, nappies and food that I didn’t need and would rather someone make use out of so I’m sure you could pick up some great stuff.

You will definitely be eligible for some support, I was made redundant during my maternity leave and universal credit actually made me better off than SMP rightly or wrongly but like you say not the maternity leave I had planned!

It may not look like you thought it would but the love you’ll feel for your baby makes the other stuff not so important. Appreciate that’s easier said than done but take any help and support you can and I am certain you will manage. You have a supportive family which is great, I am sure they will be there for you too x

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