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Yorkshirelass251 Mon 27-Jul-20 02:45:13

I posted a few weeks ago about a tricky situation with my in laws. Shortened form is my MIL had a baby before my husband and had him adopted. My husband discovered this by accidentally seeing a solicitor's letter around 8 years ago. He now has a relationship with his adopted brother. However, his mum has told him to never speak about it and she doesn't want anything to do with him, which we respect is her decision.

The problem now is my husband's younger brother still doesn't know the adopted brother existed. Recently my husband had enough and said to his mum that she needs to tell him, or he can tell him, but either way he needs to know. The adopted brother lives around 10 minutes away from them, they occasionally eat in the same pub and he looks so much like my husband!

Unfortunately since this, my MIL now won't speak to my husband because he has brought it up again. She also won't speak to her mum and dad because they want him to know too.

I just don't know what to do next. I'm 19+5 and would hate for anything like this to be going on when the baby is born. I know it's upsetting my husband too.

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SwirlyCinnamonBun Mon 27-Jul-20 04:03:29

There might be a deeper / traumatic reason why your MIL doesn't want to have anything to do with the adopted son. She may just feel so wrapped up in guilt doesn't know how to deal with it. Your husband should try to reach out and say being in contact with the brother isn't an attack on her and is a beautiful opportunity to bring family together. After that, the balls in her court.

I think your younger BIL and husband have a right to be in contact with the adopted brother. They are the children in the situation and bare no fault. They should not feel bad about wanting to enjoy a relationship whether it upsets their mother or not. Unfortunately for her, everyones an adult now and it's no longer a situation she can control.

I understand you wanting it to be sorted before the baby comes, but families will always have some sort of drama. I hope with time and talking your MIL can come to terms with the situation and speak with your husband again.

Wish your family all the best of luck flowers

Aquamarine1029 Mon 27-Jul-20 04:52:16

There are so many issues at play here. Have you or your husband considered the possibility that this sibling may be the product of a sexual assault? This may be the reason for your MIL's behaviour. This inclusion of his brother might be unbearable for her for a multitude of reasons. I think your husband needs to tread very lightly until he has a better understanding of what's going on.

PopsicleHustler Mon 27-Jul-20 05:34:53

What an awkward situation and goodness knows the reasons why your mil put him up for adoption. It's really great that your Dh has a relationship with his brother and am glad you want the best situation too. It's a shame the younger brother doesnt know either but I wouldn't know what to do in this predicament.

Does your Dh usually have a good and close relationship with his mother?
Can he go round and talk to her?
Is he the kind of person to say, enough is enough, and just tell all to his younger brother about older adopted brother?

Yorkshirelass251 Mon 27-Jul-20 08:16:37

Thank you. We have considered there may be lots of possible reasons regarding the adoption, she was only 16 at the time. Her adopted son has been in touch via a solicitor to ask for his dad's name so he could get in contact and she wouldn't tell him.

We appreciate this must be very difficult for her which is why it is so hard to know what to do. We live an hour away so see them often but not regularly enough to just pop in. The thing that is worrying my husband now is his brother will hold it against him for knowing so long and not telling him. We understand it his her decision if she doesn't want to meet him or even talk about it and respect that but both feel strongly that his brother has a right to know.

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