What do I do about my mother!

[Tilpop]

Please can anyone help me.

My mother is going to ruin my family life. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
Due to lock down etc I haven't had a family gathering / baby shower etc.
Not that I wanted one as I'm not into all that fuss..... anyway. Last night my DH was on his phone a lot and eventually while we were in bed told me that my mum was being awful to his mum via WhatsApp.

So I've since found out......

MIL started a group including my mum my SIL, MIL sister and MIL mum asking if we would like to go for a BBQ on Sunday as it would be the last time for us to get together before the baby is born. They have a massive garden And room for a few of us.

Anyway my mum has apparently kicked right off at MIL and said that she doesn't agree that it's just her side of the family to be invited as I have a sister and grandad etc too. My sister and I don't get on because she is an alcoholic who drives around with her kids in the car pissed. Gets her tee total husband arrested when she's drunk and attacks him, and we just don't get along because I don't agree with her lifestyle or morals.

MIL explained that it wasn't set in stone and was just putting the feelers out to see if people were around to go (turns out most aren't anyway).

I watched last night their on line activity and it went on well into midnight. DH has called me today and said that my mum has said some horrendous things on the WhatsApp group in front of all his family and really embarrassed herself.

MIL has called my mum to sort it out this morning as she doesn't want conflict or arguments and my mum will not apologise or accept any responsibility for being mean to her for trying to organise a gathering.

My mum is very draining and will not think before she speaks. She is nasty and mean and never apologises for her actions. We have no other family as we "don't talk to them" havent for years and I often wondered why. I think I know now.

My mum is possessive of me she calls me "my daughter" and is also controlling of me and the things I do. I have so much anxiety when it comes to her that it makes me physically sick when things like this happen.

I now know there is a divide in the family because of my mum and I'm
Embarrassed that she has created this mess all over a BBQ.

I want to say something but she has told MIL that she will not tell me about this conversation and thinks I don't know what's gone on.

Sorry for the rant. I'm now on edge because all my DH family now know what she's like and I'm gutted.

My LB is due soon and I wanted it to be a happy occasion not a family split because my mum can't hold her tongue or be nice.

What do I do? I never wanted a divide I wanted us all to get on.
My mum is very jealous of my MIL and she shows it too. She writes some shit things on Facebook for everyone to see and I can't handle the stress anymore. I want my boy to grow up in a nice family unit. No continuous arguments and nastiness that is my family.

With my mum there is always something to moan at or she is always slagging someone off. I'm totally lost

[theproblemwitheyes]

Sounds like its time to be done with your mum, tbh. Maybe reach out to the family you don't see anymore and reconnect?

[BabyB19]

It sounds like this is a time where blood isn't near as thick as water. Uninvited your mum, go and have a lovely bbq with your in laws who obviously think enough of you to want to give you a nice day and let that be a warning to your mum, she either learns from it and betters herself or she can go the same way as your sister (I also think it's very strong of you to cut ties with her, so many people are loyal to bad eggs because they share genetics so well done for having better morals) this is a stressful enough time as it is! X

[CoalCraft]

Aww I'm so sad for you, what a horrible thing to be spoiling what should be a happy time.

Perhaps you could reach out to your in laws and let them know that you're aware of the conversation and don't support what your mum said at all. See if they're still interested in doing something, even if it's on a small scale with just a few people, and don't mention it to your mum until after it's happened.

[BurnIt]

Just keep both sides seperate. Your mil sounds lovely. Just say to her that they must all block her on fb and everything and you will deal with her.

Enjoy your in laws.

[Alpacapicnic1]

Sorry you're going through this OP, especially at a time where you just need to relax and take it easy. For your mum to do this to you and cause you this kind of stress and upset, it clearly shows a lack of respect and her really not prioritising anyone but her own needs. She is not considering your feeling whatsoever, which is incredibly self-absorbed.

Your MIL is trying to do something nice for you and sounds like a balanced and reasonable person, so don't be worried that they know what your mum is like, as this does not reflect badly on you, only on her. I'm sure your in law's now, knowing what you have to deal with will be an extra support.

I'm sorry but your mum sounds very toxic and immature, and in a similar situation, I would want to distance myself from her based on this. And also set some very clear and firm expectations that if she chooses to behave respectfully towards you and inlaws then you will be happy to include her in your life, but if not then that is her decision and her loss x

[lockdownpregnancy]

OP! Poor you! If it were me, I'd tell my mom I knew and I'd rip her a new one.
I'd tell her to grow up, get a grip and to either apologise to your in laws and be nice moving forward or just keep both families separate!
I'd even go as far as to say if she doesn't apologise and make an effort to get on with everyone then you'll be seeing her a less from now on. You're about to be a mom and the last thing you want is a psycho mom!
That's exactly what I would do!
She needs to be taught a lesson in my book!
Mine and DH's families don't mix at all but that's not because they don't get on because they do, but it's my choice to keep them separate and it works really well and no one minds either as on the off chance they do see each other, they do get on!
Just tell her. She might get the shock of her life when someone tells her straight!

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you need to realise that your mother might very well destroy your marriage if sit by and allow her abuse to continue. I would be going extremely low contact, if any at all, and I would make sure she is removed from any group chats. She sounds absolutely horrible, honestly. She's clearly ruined things with her own family, don't let her do that to yours.

[SallyWD]

I feel so sad for you. It was such a thoughtful gesture of your MIL to arrange this get together and invite your mum. Instead your mum's just turned everything ugly. I have experience of a parent being unreasonable and embarrassing. It used to cause me so much anxiety. I don't know what you can do. I think I'd cool things off with your mother. Stay polite but distant. I'd apologise to your MIL and suggest in future that she doesn't invite your mum. It would be much easier if you and DH went alone and your mum knew nothing about it.

[YorkshireParentalPerson]

I keep mine separate. They are civil if they see each other, but my mum has been a complete bitch to my husband in the past and my mil understandably finds that hard to let go.

To be fair I cannot be doing with the drama, it suits us to keep them all separate..

[saraclara]

Keep them separate and tell all the inlaws to please block her on FB, as a pp said.

This must be awful for you, but I'm sure that all the inlaw relatives will be sympathetic. Explain that you are mortified, and that in the interests of calm at such an emotional time for you, you'd rather they kept her at arms length. You appreciate that they have tried to involve her and that it was lovely of them, but that it turns out that your mum is unable to deal with it. If they could all block her, it would be best for all concerned, and you'd be able to focus on the birth ahead without worrying that she'll embarrass you further. Let them know how happy you are to be part of their family.

[SallyWD]

Tell your MIL you find it very stressful to have your mum involved in things and you don't want her invited in future. I'm certain your MIL will feel a huge sense of relief. She can then leave your mum out and know she's doing it for YOUR sake. She won't have to feel guilty for not inviting her.

[0963158b]

There's no need for the two sides of the family to hang out. It was a nice idea but there's no need for it. Most children don't experience that at all. They see each side separately.

[BeMorePacific]

I’d recommend you do nothing. Wait until your baby is here, and see how you feel. In the meantime keep the families separate.
You don’t need additional stress right now.
Your MIL, sounds so lovely. I hope you can have a nice BBQ with them.
Take care and try not to feel stressed or embarrassed. You aren’t a reflection of your mum xx

[LoveSunshine01]

Have you spoken to your MIL about it? Might be worth a chat to make it clear that you don't support the way your mother is acting.

Also to thank her for the kind thought, and say that you really enjoy spending time with her and her family and don't feel a need to mix the two sides?

[pigeon999]

I would go to the BBQ and apologise to your MIL for your mother's awful behaviour and thank for organising it.

I would also call my mother and tell her you know about it all, and you are very disappointed.

I would then keep things completely separate and go low contact with your mother, she is going to be even worse once the baby has arrived. Controlling with the baby and visitors. You will need to put some red line around contact and how much you want her to be part of your lives.
As much as you may wish for the fairytale family, they do not actually exist, and holding onto this illusion is only going to cause more problems. Now is the time to take control, a mature approach and stipulate now how much she will be involved.

When the baby arrives you will be too tired to think about this, so discuss it all with dh now, come to an agreement about what is acceptable to you both with regards to your mother, acknowledge that this must be hard for him to deal with but you will be strong.

Stay close to MIL, she sounds like a gem and will probably offer much more in the way of support than your own mother sadly.

[Tilpop]

I haven't spoken with MIL about it. Im just devastated that all the women on the WhatsApp group now see my mother for what she is and the whole family will no doubt be talking behind my back about how awful she is. I'm so upset and embarrassed 😞

DH has said we need to let it go but I can't because this has been my life for many years. He says we need to concentrate on our son and not allow him to be brought up in an environment like my family.

I feel so ashamed. How have I ended up here. I never wanted this

[saraclara]

I feel so ashamed. How have I ended up here. I never wanted this

You've done nothing to end up here. None of this is down to you.

I know you're worried about what people are saying. But what happened will not affect how they see you. Of course it's embarrassing to have a mother who behaves like that. But you'll have their sympathy, not their blame.

Talk to your MIL. This could bring you closer to her. My MIL was more of a mother figure to me than my DM ever was. She loved me and I adored her. Make the most of her. She'll now understand that you need a warm and caring mother figure in your life.

[pigeon999]

Op your mother has always been who she is, I doubt very much anyone is talking behind your back. They might be exasperated with your mother, but you are a separate person with your own life. If anything they may feel sorry for you, and wish things were easier.

I am afraid having to face up to our less than perfect parents comes with motherhood. Far from realising how amazing my parents were when I had my firstborn, I felt devastated that they were neglectful and abusive, so it is quite normal to realise, rather painfully, that your parents are not all they could and should be.

This is your time now, but please don't set yourself to fail. Nothing is going to be 'perfect' op not your family or his or the new one you are forming now. Your dh's family will also have their faults.

Please don't feel ashamed, try and make light of it, and you find it much easier to cope with in future.

You are pregnant - and due soon - just focus on all the positive things that are about to happen.

[Jakey056]

Hello,
That is awful.
Here is what I would do. Tell your mother that it was unacceptable and she needs to take responsibility. She needs to send your MIL flowers, call her to apologise and apologise on the WhatsApp page. She needs to be removed from the WhatsApp page. You need to call your MIL and say your are so sorry for her behaviour so she knows you are not on the same page as your mother.

Your mother should be told that she is on think ice. Behave nice and stay in touch or continue as she is and be removed from your family until she learns to behave appropriately.

Your relationship with your sister is none of her business.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

Can I just ask, what is possessive about a mother calling her female offspring "my daughter?" I call DD "my daughter" because she, er.... is my daughter?!

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

Well, I don't say it directly to her, obviously. I just refer to her as my daughter. Do you mean she calls you it to you?

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

Well, I don't say it directly to her, obviously. I just refer to her as my daughter. Do you mean she calls you it to you?

[Tilpop]

@Dougalthesyrianhamster
It's the way she says it..... it's sinister. Like anyone who mentions me on FB she will say "that's MY DAUGHTER"
It's almost weird. Other people have mentioned it too.

[Tilpop]

She will say to me "your my daughter not hers"
In reference to MIL

[TwinkleStars15]

@Tilpop you and your mum are not the same person. You have no need to feel ashamed/embarrassed whatsoever. I would 1000% be contacting your MIL as soon as possible and explaining that you know everything that has happened and you do not agree with it at all, and that a the BBQ sounds like a lovely idea and you would really like that. Then go, and have a lovely time.