Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[frazzledasarock]

Ignore him l. Have your mum there and if you want a water birth ask for a water birth.

Who’s he never ever witnessed a birth to tell you how to give birth and who to have there.

Tell us about his nice traits. So far he sounds a complete and utter bollock.

[Rtmhwales]

Personally I'd respect his wishes. And I say this as someone who had her mother at the birth.

[Aquamarine1029]

The one pushing a baby out of their vagina calls the shots. Your partner sounds like a controlling fuckwit.

[jessstan2]

I don't understand why you want your mum at the birth, it's not like you'll be on your own, your baby's father will be there. Why is that not enough?

[LillianBland]

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Oh OP, you’ve got a lot of trouble ahead of you. Is this where you tell us, he’s normally lovely?

[Destroyedpeople]

He doesn't sound very kind or considerate of you as a person. Do he and your mother not get on?

[Aquamarine1029]

There's no chance this is the only thing he's being controlling over. It's not, is it?

[frazzledasarock]

Why does she need her mother there?

Because she wants her there.

[DPotter]

I was with your partner until you mentioned the water birth. He's allowed his opinion, but not the casting vote - that's yours.

[motheratbirth]

I'm actually the controlling one in this situation 😳 and he is actually amazing in every other aspect of our relationship.
I didn't have much control over my last birth due to an abusive and useless ex partner so with this birth I want to control as much of it as I can.
He gets on fine with my mum.

[Destroyedpeople]

Hmm well he doesn't sound 'amazing' tbh.....

[ineedaholidaynow]

If you were only allowed one person with you, who would you choose?

[amymel2016]

You’re the one who is going to be in pain and needing support, therefore, it’s your choice about who is there. Tell him you need to be as relaxed as possible in order to actually give birth and your Mum will help with that.

Have the water birth you want OP! If he thinks it’s disgusting then he can stay at home.

[frazzledasarock]

You’re the one giving birth. You can be as controlling as you want.

And he doesn’t sound ‘amazing’ at all.

[motheratbirth]

@ineedaholidaynow

If you were only allowed one person with you, who would you choose?

My partner obviously, I would never let him miss the birth of his first child.

This is all hypothetical anyway because the chances of my mother being allowed in as well are very low.

[CannonCaboodle]

Partner sounds like a knob. Do what you want.

[KittCat]

You have the birth you want...sounds like you've swapped one abusive arsehole for another.

[Messageinateacup]

He said a water birth was disgusting? I think you know you've picked a winner here Let's hope he's about to do some major growing up when his baby arrives, it is possible.

[Bluebird3456]

He can't "say no" to you having a water birth because it isn't his decision. He's not giving birth, he won't even be in the water - why would you ask his permission?

I think your mum being there is a little different, and the "I said no" would 100% get my back up, but I still think it should be down to you and what you want.

He's asking you to give him reasons why she should be there, how about he gives you reasons why he thinks he should be able to dictate how you get a person out of your body?

He says he's your support - point out that he's not being very bloody supportive right now so it seems you're going to need someone else.

[romdowa]

Have who ever you want there. If half way through you wanted him to go, the nurses would tell him to go out. You can have what ever kind of birth you want.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Erm he was unreasonable then as well. He sounds controlling, wtf has it got to do with him if you give birth in a pool - if you want a pool, get a pool!

[jessstan2]

I don't get why he finds a water birth disgusting and would be more concerned about that than him not wanting your mum there. I fail to see the benefit of your mother being with you but that's up to you, however water births are reputed to be really good so he shouldn't object to that. You can probably talk him round on that one.

[Zippetydoodahzippetyay]

Totally your choice. And if you want a water birth that is between you and your midwife or OB. The baby might be half his but the birth is your body's process/experience and you will experience the repercussions of whatever decisions are made for years to come. He won't. Simple as that.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

Have your mom there, your the patient, your the person pushing a baby out therefore its whatever makes you feel comfortable.

[Soon2BeMumof3]

He sounds like a controlling selfish insensitive prick. 'Amazing' men support the woman giving birth to their child by supporting their wishes!!!!

To answer his question 'why can't he support you?' The very fact he is arguing with you and dismissing things that will make you comfortable demonstrate that he is unsuited to being a birth partner at all. Is that what you want in the delivery room? Some prick calling the shots and ignoring what you want? Sounds like yet another shitty birth experience for you.

You say your last relationship was controlling and abusive. How long have you been in this one? Remember that a peak time for DV to present for the first time is during pregnancy. It is shocking to me that he thinks he can dictate the circumstances of the birth. He's really not like this in other ways?

I'd tell him it is no longer up for discussion. Yes it is equally his child- but it is 100% your birth. Tell him it will be a water birth. Tell him your mother will be there. Tell him he was however many weeks to get used to the idea. You've heard him, his wishes matter, you've thought about them a lot, you've even felt compelled to adhere to them at times- BUT you're giving birth and you will decide what will help you.

If he stomps his feet about that then take him to counselling before the birth. He needs to learn to respect your body and your wishes.