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New baby- visitors

(19 Posts)
Saraj09876 Mon 22-Jun-20 10:59:11

Just hoping to get an idea of where is a good middle ground on a situation with me and my partner, as I moved up county to where he is from so that we could live together and now we are at a b out of a stand off with what to go straight after the birth.
I'd always pictured I'd call my mum as soon as I went into labour, and although due to Covid she can't be there for the birth I thought she'd be straight up to the house as quick as she can (4hour drive) and she would be here for when we got back from hospital and stay for a night or two to meet the baby then go back home.
My partner is saying he doesn't want her to come up as soon as we get home from the hospital as he wouldn't be able to relax in the house and wants alone time with us 3, which I understand, so we had compromised at 2 days then letting her come up, which upset her a bit only because Iv changed the expectation last minute, but she understood.
Upon talking to him more, he thinks it's okay for his family to come round and visit straight away because they live close and wouldn't have to stay over, so all of them would meet the baby before my mum, which feels a bit crap.
I'm not sensitive so don't need my side taken just some honest views here, am I being unreasonable saying no, if my mum can't visit for 2 days then why should we have anyone over for that time? If it is meant to be time just for us to bond with the baby.
Also, should I be pushing here to have my mum here when I get home? It would make me feel a lot more supported but I'm a big girl I can hold on if needed but it would have been nice to just let everyone round (in my family we always had the family waiting at home when a new baby arrived)
Also I'm well aware of Covid restrictions, please no Covid quidelines comments...

OP’s posts: |
Saraj09876 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:00:51

Up country* (from south uk to mid west)

OP’s posts: |
crazychemist Mon 22-Jun-20 11:07:24

Nobody needs to visit to see the baby - that’s something nice for them, but it’s not necessary and should wait until you feel happy with it (which might be 2 days, or might not!). Do you want your mum there to support YOU after the birth? That’s a different thing. It’s not about meeting the baby, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss it in those terms, because in all fairness, why should YOUR mum see the baby before his? But if you need support and want your mum to help with that as well as your DH, that’s a bit different.

Perhaps a compromise - your mum comes up, but stays in a B&B or similar overnight? That way the 3 of you still get bonding time as a unit (which is important - your DH needs to get the hang of caring for baby too, unless you are expecting your DH to never look after baby and expect your mum to step in a lot... ), but you have your mum to give you a hand during the day, and a break when you need it - she’ll sleep better without having broken nights!

If you want family to be there to welcome baby from hospital, it would be completely reasonable to have both sides. You can’t just favour yours for no reason. So why not have both sets of parents to welcome, but with a time limit, then your mum can come back the next day to start helping out with stuff?

Greggers2017 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:11:55

If your partner is there when you first arrive home, then there is no need whatsoever to have your mum there. Also people aren't supposed to be staying overnight with you anyway, that's unfortunately the guidance at the moment.
You need time for you, your husband and little one to get used to being a 3 and settle in at home. Then it is time for visitors. I agree with you that his family and your mum should possibly give it a couple of days, then allow visitors.
We had loads, when my baby was born and it was comepltely overwhelming and that was my 4th baby. I just wanted to sit and cuddle baby but people kept showing up.

Saraj09876 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:13:38

This is useful thank you, I just think it's either everyone gets to meet the baby or everyone waits two days so that would be more fair? Rather than his family getting to 'pop in' because they live close and mine having to wait till he is ready..

OP’s posts: |
Longdaysandnights Mon 22-Jun-20 11:29:32

I agree, everyone or no one! How sad for your mum to be pushed out because she doesn’t live close by. You are giving your husband the choice which I think is kind of you considering you are the one that just gave birth. Be firm and tell him he doesn’t get to have his cake and it too!

Glendaruel Mon 22-Jun-20 11:48:37

Ive still a while to go but my partner understands I want my mum around for few days and if possible at birth with him. it s about support rather than seeing baby. I've already chatted to mum about having flexibility ticket and not taking offence if I say we need a bit of time and it's a see as you go thing.

I sadly miscarried my last baby and mum came over to help. It was great as my previous partner couldn't cope and I was in no condition to stay strong for two of us. Mum looked after both of us and made sure the evidence was cleaned up before I was released from hospital. My current partner is great but needs support as well. I think what I'm saying is, if you need mum for support and she gets on with partner then it's good to have her there, but set ground rules beforehand.

em90792 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:58:22

I think the rule should be the same across with regards to visiting. Also mum could bubble up with your household, so technically she could visit. That doesnt help with the whole family visiting. We will likely have no visits and due in 2 weeks, due to covid. But it's our 4th so the excitement isn't the same with family members 😂

Carandi Mon 22-Jun-20 12:01:30

I agree, everyone or no one. It would be good for you and your DP to spend a couple of days alone with the baby so that you can bond and get comfortable with doing things, get BF established if you plan to do that. In reality, his family won't want to 'pop in', they'll probably want to stay for a few hours and it will be difficult to say 'can you leave now' once they're there. His family will no doubt get to see the baby a lot more than yours if you live near them, so it won't hurt to make them wait a couple of days for the first visit. It was your DP's reasoning that you spend time alone bonding, so I'd get him to stick to it.

NoCallerID Mon 22-Jun-20 13:56:34

Hi OP,
I was in a similar situation although two years ago.
My family are all abroad, husband's live close by. He said he didn't want my parents come over and stay for the first two weeks, unless they would stay in a hotel. I felt it was unfair to put my parents in a hotel when we have a spare room and they understood and came over when baby was 2 or 3 weeks old.
Husband's parents came to the birthing center when the baby was 4 hours old and I was still high on gas & air. I didn't want this but DH insisted. One of his sisters came the same night after we were discharged. It's not easy to keep people away, everybody is excited and you'll likely step on someone's toes. All I could suggest is don't overthink it. I wouldn't want someone staying at my house when I've just given birth. It's a precious time that you'll never get back, and neither will the baby's father. He might not feel confident with a new baby, holding, changing the nappies, etc so he'll have to build this up rather than having someone with more experience looking after his shoulder silently judging every move he makes. I totally get that hence why I agreed for my parents to come later. With his family, yes, it's unfortunate but you could compromise and say they're only allowed to visit for 1 hour or something. To be honest, you'll be in your baby bubble and hormones will be all over the place, it might not be as bad as you fear now.

xxxemzyxxx Mon 22-Jun-20 17:39:23

I agree with others as well - completely understand your DP about not having your mum staying straight away, bonding time and giving you a chance to recover is a good move. But that goes both ways - no other visitors either! Just because his family are closer doesn’t give them an automatic pass.

I’m 25 weeks with my first now, and I have gradually started telling family that we will be accepting no visitors for the first few days and then we will see how we go after that. My DP thankfully completely agrees. His family are closer to us as well (my mum is only just over an hour away though, and my dad is 2.5 hrs away) but his dad literally lives 1 minute round the corner from us so my DH has agreed to be the gate keeper as we highly expect he will be the one that will most likely pop round unannounced!

BabyDancer Tue 23-Jun-20 13:34:26

I personally don't want any visitors at the hospital other than my DH. Everyone else can wait until we're home and settled.

In terms of your situation OP, I would probably say that it's right for you to have a couple of days as a family first before your mum arrives. However, I would also put my foot down and not have any visitors at the hospital and agree that they can see the baby on your first day at home for one hour. Your mum will wait longer to see the baby, but she'll also benefit from spending more time with the baby too.

Cherryrainbow Tue 23-Jun-20 13:46:54

I agree with others the rules should apply both ways e.g. no visitors for a few days then any family can come by. Tbh I imagine in the end he would appreciate your mum staying over when you're both tired and adjusting to baby!
My mum came to stay when I had my first baby which we were so grateful for, as I had had a difficult birth and spent a week on my own with baby in hospital before I could go home. I was on a tonne of medication and needed sleep! X

yikesanotherbooboo Tue 23-Jun-20 13:53:07

Your DP doesn't want an extra person staying in the house for a few days as it could be overwhelming and a bit claustrophobic. I totally understand and inviting your mother to stay after 2 days seems a generous compromise. His mother visiting briefly to see you all and meet the baby is a bit different and I f you were prepared to see your mother on day one I don't understand why it wouldn't be all right to see mil. It's not a competition. Personally I don't think mils should take second place here as far as the baby is concerned .

BeMorePacific Tue 23-Jun-20 14:01:54

Could your mum stay with your in laws? Then they all come together?
I had my mum stay with us for 2 weeks, and it was honestly amazing. I’m not particularly close to my mum, but that time was brilliant x

Temple29 Tue 23-Jun-20 14:05:06

I think it’s different to have someone stay with you versus a short visit. I would be fine with MIL visiting before your mum comes to stay because she lives close by. I don’t think she should have to wait so your mum can meet baby first.

However I would recommend asking nobody to visit at the hospital and for the first 24 hours at home because you will be exhausted and just want some home comforts.

I got out of the shower after giving birth and DH’s dad was in the room having arrived unannounced, worst experience ever.

userabcname Tue 23-Jun-20 14:13:36

I wouldn't have your mum come as soon as you're in labour- you don't know how long you'll be in hospital for and if your husband isn't keen on her being there it might make things awkward when he has to go home and it's just the two of them, or if she's there by herself.
I do agree, however, that it's all or none. If there is a 2 day rule then fine - no visitors at all for 2 days. Otherwise, if it's just he doesn't want her there 24/7, then maybe she could look into a B and B as pp have said. I'd ask him if he'd be happy if roles were reversed - would he ban his mother for 2 days? I'm guessing not!

Vik81 Tue 23-Jun-20 19:53:26

I think you will find you will need your mom more than ever at that moment. Labour is a huge intensive thing to go through and your partner doesn't fully appreciate this. Though I agree that 2 days for both families is fair, I do think you will need your mom for very different reasons than to visit the baby. My Mom was so important after the birth, even though my partner was there it was her that asked and answered the right questions. It was her support I didn't realise I would cherish so much!

heroineinahalfshell Tue 23-Jun-20 23:16:22

My dad lives a 4-5 hour drive away, and my mum is overseas. In-laws live just over an hour away. Before Covid, my mum wanted to fly over as soon as I give birth (it's unlikely that will be possible now), and I told her no because I don't want to be hosting someone overnight straight out of hospital. Same with my dad, i've said to him he needs to wait 3-4 weeks at least to come up and meet the baby.

However, i have no problem with in-laws coming over whenever they want to, because they won't stay overnight. So I'm with your partner on this. It's inevitable that one side will meet the baby before the other.

My mum's going to be massively annoyed/upset that my dad & his partner will meet the baby before she does, but that's life and I can't tell him he's not allowed to visit his granddaughter until international travel is allowed again.

I did though have a massive row with DH when he didn't see a problem with SIL planning to visit from overseas, again hypothetically within the first few days after birth. If I'm not willing to host my mum, I'm definitely not willing to host his sister!

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