Need some advice on how my family are taking pregnancy news

[Cobbsgirl92]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on Mumsnet, although I’ve been reading posts everyday for a while.
It seems such a lovely place for advice and a good way to ask experienced people for views.

I’m stuck in a difficult situation and I think In some way my hormones are making this feel worse but here goes.

I am just over 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. My partner and I told our families at the weekend which went well. We worried a little about telling my brother and his wife as they experienced a missed miscarriage a couple of years a go and we wanted to make sure we were sensitive enough to tell them without causing added distress. I ended up sending my brother a text addressed to them both which we decided was best as they find it hard to talk on the phone and I didn’t want to force them into sounding happy on the phone.

Anyway my brother congratulated us back and all seemed ok. He told my mum the next day that they really appreciated the way we told them and the fact we thought about them so I felt relieved.

Since the weekend however my mum now feels guilty that ‘we’ve’ made them sad and that my brother now feels like we don’t care about him or his feelings.

He has made no indication that this is how he feels and my mum is overthinking things and is now seemingly worried over this pregnancy instead of her original joy.

I was so happy to see my mum happy when I told her as she suffers with her mental health and has found lockdown a struggle. I feel like we have done a bad thing and caused sadness upon our family.

I feel guilt for becoming pregnant.

I am not saying for a second that this isn’t upsetting for my brother and sister in law and I expected them to feel sad and that life is unfair, but now I feel as though I’ve hurt them intentionally.

My other brother and his wife suffered a miscarriage and a long battle with IVF to have their only child and they are thrilled for us and reminded me that as sad as life is and how horribly cruel it can be life does still go on.

I would never ever wish any hurt on my family and feel like I’ve done a terrible thing without realising the consequences.

Any advice as to whether I am being unreasonable or not being understanding enough?

I only want to bring my family closer not further apart.

Thank you in advance for your replies :-)

[BadAlice]

You’ve done everything you can to be sensitive. At this point, I feel it’s no longer your responsibility to worry about. Just carry on as normal and let others sort themselves out.

[Vix2007]

I think your being more than understanding. As you said, you understand him feeling sad about it and feeling like it's unfair. However you have not made him feel sad, his feelings and his partners are their own feelings, they are not your responsibility. It is a difficult situation to be in but just remember, you are responsible for your life and your feelings not theirs.
If your brother feels like you don't care about him it is probably pain talking, because in reality if he is a loving brother he would not expect to to never have children because of his pain. Hopefully once he has worked through the initial shock and surge of emotions he will come round.
Oh and most of all congratulations and I hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth goes perfectly. X

[BeMorePacific]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Unfortunately you can’t predict how people will respond. It is lovely that you told them in a sensitive way.
I think everyone will come round. Try not to worry x

[theyoungandtherestless]

Has this actually come from your brother or is your mum just speculating? Have you asked your mum why she thinks this given that your brother has been fine with you and appreciated you thinking of him?

[stepbystepdoula]

Enjoy your pregnancy, I'm sure they wish it was them, but they mourn the loss of their baby, they don't want yours. You are sensitive and have handled things well 💚

[Cobbsgirl92]

Thank you for all of your replies and positive messages!
I am starting to realise that I can only do so much and that everyone has their own feelings.

My brother has said to my mum that they were both upset , especially my sister in law when they heard but still glad we told them sensitively and before others.

My mum is coming to her own conclusions I think as my brother and sister in law are very private and don’t let anyone in to their lives.
She desperately wants to help and support them but they won’t let her or anyone else.
She is blaming herself for the way they shut everyone out but I’ve tried to explain to her that they are grown ups and have to make their own choices.

I just find it hard to think that I’ve hurt my brother as we are all very close and I’d never intentionally hurt him or any of my Family.

I worry that when I’m around them I will have to hide my pregnancy and watch what I say , holding back on talking about it.

[Lollypop4]

I think you are now over thinking this , your brothers have both congratulated you.
Your mother has the issue, let her carry on with that.

Congratulations and Enjoy your pregnancy and dont over think this anymore

[HoneyWheeler]

Sometimes people talk to others as a way of just getting things off their chest - I think you have to trust that if your brother was really upset and disappointed with the way you handled it, then he would come to tell you directly. Don't overthink or speculate on what other people think or if they mean what they say - that way madness lies. Take people at face value, and take comfort in the fact that you went about it with integrity and tried to share the news in the most sensitive way you could.

[Zippy1510]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You’ve handled it in the most sensitive way that you could have. Is your mum perhaps feeling upset because- in your brother saying how well you handled it- she perhaps worries that she herself hasn’t been sensitive enough to their situation? So this would be in no way a reflection of anything you have done. More a concern of hers driven by her mental health?

[Superscientist]

It's tricky when family members have previous losses. It sounds like you have handled it as sensitively as possible. Be gentle with yourself, you haven't made your brother hurt or sad it's the situation and the reminders that have. You can't control that.

My sister had to have a termination several years ago for medical reasons and reminders of that can be hard. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I've been trying to be careful around her about the volume of baby/pregnancy talk. Some times she replies sometimes she doesn't, then 2 days ago we had a 2h conversation about what she could buy/has bought, asking about names, how I am and babies in general. It was lovely and I am glad we had the chat, but I understand that it has to be on her terms. Pregnancy losses are hard and the hurt doesn't go but that's not to say your brother will be hurting every day. Give them space (which it totally sounds like you are) and see if they come to you.

It sounds a bit like your mother finds the dynamic she currently has with your brother hard and I wonder whether she is projecting some of that on to you. We all deal with things in different ways. One of my sisters is a "go to mum person" the rest of us are not and I know mum finds that tricky. I've no advice as I haven't figured out how to deal with that myself!!

[UrsulaSings]

It sounds like its your mum with the problem OP, not your brother and SIL. She feels responsible for their feelings (probably feels responsible for lots of peoples feelings, I imagine this isn't anything new), and is now pushing that responsiblity on to you.

Don't allow her to make you feel responsible for how someone else feels. You have been considerate and thoughtful for how others feel (and it sounds like they have noticed and appreciated this), but you are not responsible for how they feel.

[Cherryrainbow]

It is sad what they went through, and you have been sensitive. As sad as it is, when bad things happen in our lives, life doesn't get put on hold for everyone else and you shouldn't feel guilty or sad about your pregnancy, and it's good you told them now - I can't imagine leaving it later or until you have a big bump.