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Gender disappointment

(54 Posts)
Sarahlovescoffee Thu 04-Jun-20 14:22:01

Firstly, I am so thankful that I am pregnant and the baby is healthy. Please please no judgements.
I have a daughter already (one year old) and went for a scan and was told it is a girl (18 weeks).
Two questions
1)based on the scan could it be wrong or is it definitely definitely a girl?
2) has anyone had gender disappointment? I feel so guilty for feeling this way sad

OP’s posts: |
lockdownpregnancy Thu 04-Jun-20 14:36:04

I'd say you've got a girl on your hands from the scan OP! Congratulations ❤️
I felt very similar before I found out I was having a boy.
Me and my DH really wanted a boy and I posted a similar post prior to our scan about how I felt and you'd be surprised about how many people have these feelings. We are in fact having a baby boy!
At the end of the day when she arrives and she is popped onto your chest, who cares! You will have a beautiful baby girl and a little sister for your DD. As long as she is happy and healthy it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Don't beat yourself up over how you feel and just ignore anyone that wants to judge you for it 🥰

BigusBumus Thu 04-Jun-20 14:48:14

I've got 3 boys and very badly wanted a girl. I remember the sonographer telling us that DC3 was a boy straight away at the scan - i didn't even listen to the rest of it as the stinging disappointment of it not being a girl would not leave me.

Nearly 14 years later, and with 3 teenage sons, i still sometimes wish I'd had a girl, for the camaraderie and solidarity mainly, but I got over the disappointment very quickly and by the time he was born I was putting positive spins on everything, like "at least we have all the hand me down clothes, equipment and nursery already!"

WhatWouldDominicDo Thu 04-Jun-20 14:48:55

You can console yourself in the knowledge that people can apparently change gender, whenever they like.

CazzaCat Thu 04-Jun-20 15:01:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zscaler Thu 04-Jun-20 15:04:10

I think this can be the disadvantage of finding out in advance what the baby’s sex is - you get to worry about it before you have the baby in your arms, at which point you probably won’t care.

I would make a conscious effort to focus on the positives and remember that by the time you are holding her you won’t care at all that she isn’t a boy.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Thu 04-Jun-20 15:05:13

I’d say that’s a girl OP- congratulations.
Your feelings are entirely yours and you are entitled to feel what you feel.
Give it a minute and then focus on the joy of having sisters! grin

MittensTheSerpent Thu 04-Jun-20 15:18:06

Some people get bad news at scans.

Think carefully about that.

And then think of your healthy DD2.

Sarahlovescoffee Thu 04-Jun-20 15:28:20

@zscaler you are right, we want three but have already decided we are not going to find out the sex.
I know I should be just happy about having a healthy baby and so many would love to be in my position... I just can't get it out of my head sad I do feel really stupid, selfish and rubbish for feeling this way I just don't know what I can do to feel differently.

OP’s posts: |
happymummy12345 Thu 04-Jun-20 15:31:21

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen. Also if we did have a boy I knew I'd find it easier to deal with when my baby was in my arms rather than just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but it does get easier.
There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels.

DamnYankee Thu 04-Jun-20 15:31:43

Did you just want one of each?

Sarahlovescoffee Thu 04-Jun-20 15:33:56

@damnyankee yes, my husband comes from a family of all girls... So we both wanted a boy. I know I sound so stupid. I am so so thankful the baby is healthy but can't shake this feeling... It feels awful sad

OP’s posts: |
OnlyFoolsnMothers Thu 04-Jun-20 15:35:27

Don’t feel awful OP, it will pass. Many people say they don’t want to find out the sex for this reason but I’d rather feel any potential disappointment and move past it than have any feelings after birth when my hormones will be more extreme

Pinktruffle Thu 04-Jun-20 15:36:14

I have quite a strong preference for what I want (though I will be delighted with either gender, I'm grateful to be pregnant at all after IVF), part of the reason I'm not finding out the gender is because I don't want to spend any of my time pregnant being disappointed because I'm sure I once the baby is in my arms, I won't care in the least and will just want them to be healthy.

@Sarahlovescoffee one positive from this is that sisters are invaluable. I have a sister and it was one of the most precious relationships in my life, she is absolutely my best friend and I don't know how I would have got through life without her.

Soon2BeMumof3 Thu 04-Jun-20 15:37:46

Don't feel guilty. Let yourself feel it, but it will pass soon.

Honestly it's a cliche but when you're raising that baby, you wouldn't swap her for the world.

Congratulations OP

Sarahlovescoffee Thu 04-Jun-20 15:39:12

@pinktruffle your message made me cry. You are right, the relationship that they will have will be amazing ❤️

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Thu 04-Jun-20 15:41:07

Ime you have saved £££££!
My dd's are 15 months apart.
Simply moved the clothes to the next set of drawers!!
I say this as a dm who had an awful birth with a later dd. Who turned out to be a ds!!
When you hold your baby you really won't care.. Don't beat yourself up for being bothered at this stage. Hormones may play a part also..

Phiphi123 Thu 04-Jun-20 16:05:30

I really really wanted a boy and was convinced I was having a girl, I did feel disappointed. Then at scan I was told it’s a boy and was over the moon!! When I was told it’s a boy I though oh but perhaps a girl would have been nice haha. At the end of the day- like you I am hugely grateful to even be having a baby and know when baby is in my arms I’ll never look back, just like you won’t smile

Frazzlerock Thu 04-Jun-20 16:10:38

I felt like this when we discovered DC2 was a boy. Then we had three devastating MMCs at 9 weeks and one spontaneous MC at 4 weeks and I will never care what we have ever again. I think back to myself pre-loss and want to shout at me very loudly! I'm pregnant now and all we want is an alive baby. Every single day is so precious. Congratulations on your little girl. Who knows, she may even decide to change her gender at some point smile

RingaRosie Thu 04-Jun-20 16:14:43

I don’t know what I’m having, and I haven’t thought about it. It will be weird when it comes out (only a few weeks!) as it’s just been The Baby. I can’t think in boy or girl, but I suppose it will make sense when it’s one or the other... So, sort of the opposite problem!

tempnamechange98765 Thu 04-Jun-20 16:16:36

Congratulations OP. I felt a bit disappointed when I found out DC2 was a boy, as we already had one boy and I always would've liked a girl.

I still get the odd moment when I would love a daughter, and have toyed with the idea of having a third (not just to get a girl obviously, but to increase the likelihood of having one) but now that DS2 is becoming a toddler rather than a baby, I am absolutely loving having two the same. They just seem like such little pals already even though DS2 is only 15 months. I picture them as they grow, and it's really lovely. It's out me right off having a third, even if I was guaranteed a girl, as I love the dynamic of my two little boys. I'm sure you'll find the same as your two grow.

Sussed Thu 04-Jun-20 16:22:56

I was absolutely devastated when I found out DC2's gender. I realise I will be flamed for that, but I had completely set my heart on what I wanted, had visualized the clothes, the colour schemes, the name, our relationship. My work threw me a lovely baby shower and I was a right brat as just couldn't be happy. I spent night after night sobbing. I know - utterly ridiculous. What I can say with certainty is that DC2 is the most amazing perfect little human I could ever have had, with 6 years' hindsight there is nothing in the world that would make me swap them for the opposite gender. Even though we don't plan to have any more so I wont get a chance at having the gender I had wanted again. I know as well as anyone how real and painful gender disappointment can be...but I also know itll be ok, honestly it will.

Sarahlovescoffee Thu 04-Jun-20 16:53:11

@Sussed I am in tears again after reading your message. I can relate so much to how you were feeling. Its awful I feel this way about a tiny little healthy baby. So many people would give everything to be in my position... But i guess it's just how some mums feel. I really hope I feel the same way you do when she is here. You are right, she will be perfect when she arrives ❤️😭 crying again...

OP’s posts: |
TiddlestheCat Thu 04-Jun-20 17:03:31

Pregnancy is a really unsettling time. You have no idea who this little person is who will be moving in with you for 18+ years. It's common to grow up with preconceived ideas about what gender baby you will have (as ridiculous a notion as this is). I grew up in a family of females, so my comfort zone was to want a girl). I felt disappointed when I found out that I was having a boy and worried about whether it would increase the risk of developing PND, which I had already been worrying about. It was just that I needed a little time to rethink/adjust to the idea. It is actually very common to have a preconceived idea of gender and or worry about bonding with a baby, esp if you suffer from anxiety or depression. And also, common to feel guilty or ashamed of feeling a little disappointed, when you feel that you should be feeling nothing but gratefulness. My friend and I both felt a sense of disappointment and had both struggled to conceive, so I don't think that it is as simple as just feeling grateful, but is tied up with worries about bonding/anxiety. That said, I am yet to meet anyone who did not instantly fall in love with their baby once they were born, or still wished it was of a different gender, nor developed PND due to the gender of their baby. In a few months time you will hold your baby in your arms and feel a twit for having ever felt this way!! Trust me!!!

TiddlestheCat Thu 04-Jun-20 17:15:33

You just need to start to rethink it/adjust to the idea. Just stop beating yourself up. Sisters sharing clothes/having sleepovers/sharing a room in a bunk bed/going shopping together when they are older etc. Not having to have a house full of even more toys as they can share some. Also, daughters tend to have a stronger relationship with their own mother when they start a family. You won't have to be that dreaded mil in years to come! There are so many positives! 😉 Just be sure to come back onto the thread on a few months time and tell us all about your beautiful daughter, just so that I can have the pleasure of telling you, " I TOLD YOU SO!!"

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