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If you aren’t married who’s surname will your baby have?

(133 Posts)
lululocks Sun 31-May-20 17:28:43

I’m 20 weeks pregnant and I don’t know if I want to marry my DP so should I give our baby my surname?

I hate the idea of not having the same surname as my own child. But I don’t think he would be happy about this.

Are others who aren’t married planning on giving the baby your DPs surname?

OP’s posts: |
dementedpixie Sun 31-May-20 17:41:18

You could use your surname or double barrel it or use his as a middle name

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 31-May-20 17:44:51

I wasn’t married when we had DD but we are now. We gave her his name because I didn’t really know any better and at the time, I felt like I knew I wanted to be with him forever. Luckily, I was right and we are now awaiting DD2’s arrival in September.

How long have you been with your partner? If you’re not sure about marrying him, I would definitely give the baby your name, either on its own or double-barrelled.

CarlottaValdez Sun 31-May-20 17:47:50

I think the normal solution on mumsnet is for the woman to have a “really awful” surname so it’s better for the children to have the man’s. It’s completely coincidental that the man has a better surname.

bee222 Sun 31-May-20 17:48:17

I’m a firm believer that a baby should take its mothers name or have the names double barrelled. I’m probably going to double barrel my child’s name, with no hyphen, and my name going last. That way they can chose to mainly use mine if they wish.

MonsteraCheeseplant Sun 31-May-20 17:54:33

Carlotta grin

I imagine any child of ours will have both surnames. Even though they are long. Spaniards don't seem to have a problem with this system.

DonnaDarko Sun 31-May-20 17:54:50

DP and I are not married. Ds has his last name for a couple of reasons:

I have my dad's surname. He was not married to my mum and we don't have a good relationship, so I didn't want to give him the name

The name we picked for him - the only one we liked - would not sound right with my last name lol.

But it was a mutual decision so I think you should both agree. Double barrelling could be a good way to go

EBM20 Sun 31-May-20 17:57:01

My baby will be taking my name and if and when we get married we will change it by deed pole

Hatscats Sun 31-May-20 17:57:14

Those who are having both surnames how does it work? Can you register two without a hyphen?
I don’t intend on changing my name even if we did get married. Unfortunately ours names are very similar sounding, both 7 characters and end with -ley. So I think double barrel will sound ridiculous!

SandieCheeks Sun 31-May-20 18:04:11

They have mine, why wouldn’t they?

TeacupDrama Sun 31-May-20 18:04:28

it just depends how they sounds together Jane Smyth-Smith will always sound silly
Hadley(his name)- Bailey( this being your name) is fine or use his name as a middle name if relationship works you are the Hadley-Bailey's if it doesn't it is Jane Hadley Bailey generally known as Jane Bailey by the time she starts school you will know and register as first name Jane surname Hadley- Bailey or First name Jane middle name Hadley surname Bailey

Dogsovercats Sun 31-May-20 18:04:53

So interesting to read this. It doesn't look like marriage is on the horizon for us anytime soon and we are going to start TTC in September. I kind of feel like if I carry it for nine months and go through the labour etc, why on earth should the surname default to DPs? Seems very antiquated to me. Then again the child is 50% his. DP has a long surname already so I don't want to double barrel! Think I'm with you @EBM20

Whawhatisaweekend Sun 31-May-20 18:05:23

Double barrelled seemed fairest

Rebelwithallthecause Sun 31-May-20 18:07:05

I have baby his surname but only because we were getting married
Otherwise I would have given baby mine

Love51 Sun 31-May-20 18:07:38

Apparently traditionally the child of unmarried parents should have the mother's name. My source for that is I read it on here.
I am one of the people with a really awful surname I changed on marriage. I wasn't long out of school when we got married and I wouldn't put my child through that. I was shocked at my brother and his wife using his name when they got married and for their baby, he'd have taken her name I think had it not been that she'd been keeping her surname the same as her children - ie her ex-husband's name. So she was ready for a change and hadn't used her maiden name in decades.
So, keep your own name, give the child your name, lest you marry a man with a crap name in 30 years time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 31-May-20 18:08:26

Double barrelled my child’s surname even though we are married- diff surnames.
I am happy for her to dump my name when 18 but whilst I am one half of her guardianship I’m having my name there.

Seaglasss Sun 31-May-20 18:11:20

Not married, DD has my last name, it was non negotiable really. I also have a strong dislike of double barrelled names

EBM20 Sun 31-May-20 18:11:46

@Dogsovercats I have a longer name 9 letters and his is only 3 but like you said I've carried this baby all this time, marriage isn't on the cards any time soon and he never saw his dad as a child much and it's only now he's an adult he will see him probably twice a week so he's not got a strong link last name! We like the middle name Rae if we have a girl and my dads name is Ray so another link to my family as they are pronounced the same but partner is not fussed!

MinesALatte Sun 31-May-20 18:12:54

This is such an interesting thread! I’ve always assumed any baby I have will just have my OH’s surname, as that’s tradition, but reading so many replies I’m not so sure now 😂
I am quite proud of my surname, I adored my grandad and I adore my Dad, and sadly I lost my brother five years ago so there’s no one left to carry my name on. I have often thought of double-barrelling but I also want a middle name or two 😂

I also think my OH’s parents would be disappointed which I wouldn’t want to do.

Wow, what a minefield!

Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 31-May-20 18:15:02

I wasn't married to DD's father when she was born, but I was desperate to be, so I actually considered giving DD his surname thinking that I would have leverage from that. My sister, a lawyer, told me that this was ridiculous and advised me to give DD my surname, which I did and it was the correct choice as her father and I split up and he's had no involvement in her life.

However he actually did have a much nicer surname - Indian and distinguished whereas ours is boring -it was changed by deed poll to be typically British by my parents, years before I was born. So we did fit the Mumsnet demographic.

Spied Sun 31-May-20 18:16:08

In a long-term secure relationship with the father who (to the best of your knowledge obviously) will always be there for you and the child then I'd give the child's fathers name personally.
If you are unsure of the relationship/ new relationship/ doubt you may be with him for a long-time/ potentially he be absent from child's life - then I'd give your name.
( I understand nothings a certainty)

lululocks Sun 31-May-20 18:18:13

The thing is our surnames wouldn’t sound right as double barrelled.

We are having a boy so I know he wants the baby to have his surname but it was only seeing a thread in the AIBU section talking about surnames that it’s made me think. If we was to get married I would change it so we all had the same name but I’m just not sure I want to get married.

OP’s posts: |
Scythrop Sun 31-May-20 18:18:15

She has my surname. DP suggested this. Before she was born we talked about changing both our surnames to something else so we all had the same name, but didn’t get round to it, plus neither of us was that comfortable with having a new name. We haven’t told DP’s dad, though, to avoid hurting his feelings, and I’m pretty sure DP will avoid telling the rest of his family unless it’s unavoidable - he’d rather avoid drama.

sunnygirl123 Sun 31-May-20 18:18:57

My baby will have my partners surname. We have been engaged for quite a few years now and I always picture us getting married at some point. It was never a question for ms

Whawhatisaweekend Sun 31-May-20 18:19:03

@MinesALatte I’m in exactly the same position as you! It was really important to me that my surname be used. It’s quite unusual and has quite a history to it but also from the perspective of having lost family members, it was really non negotiable for me to have my kids carry the name on.
But my DP felt the same way although his name is very common and I didn’t feel like it was fair to just have my name when it was his baby too.
Double barrelling kept us both happy thankfully.

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