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Baby drama

(9 Posts)
Butterflyheart Sun 24-May-20 21:42:52

I'm driving myself mad here, so wanted to reach out to others who may be in the same position who can offer advice etc.

I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years and he keeps saying he wants kids but keeps moving the goalposts along. I have a child from a previous relationship, so I assume it's because he's scared.
At first it was we'll wait two years, now it's four years later and he's decided that now we need to have a bigger house (we have a 3 bed already), we need careers (I've been working my backside off to get more experience as I have a degree and a Master's) and we need an abundance in savings... Then he's added on the fact we would have to get married. It used to be my ''fantasy'' to get married but not anymore, why would we spend all that money for a piece of paper. I don't have family as I'm estranged from my parents and I'm an only child myself.

It is starting to get me down now as all I see is people having little bundles of joy, and whilst I'm grateful and so proud of my daughter, I don't want her to grow up as an only child like me, it's so lonely and depressing.

I can't talk to my friends about this, because they don't really offer any help, they just tell me that somehow ''I have to convince him'', well that isn't going to work. This could be the deal-breaker in our relationship I think. sad

OP’s posts: |
CocoR Sun 24-May-20 21:56:50

How old are you both?

Butterflyheart Sun 24-May-20 22:07:40

I'm 28, he is 32

OP’s posts: |
lockdownpregnancy Sun 24-May-20 22:41:41

Hi OP. You need to sit your DP down and have a serious chat about everything and ask him straight and also let him know that you think his motives are delaying tactics and see what he says.
You also need to share with him how you feel (if you haven't already) and set out a way to move forward with your relationship.
Me and my DH went through a rough patch last year when I decided that I wanted children. Neither of us ever did and it was discussed fully before we got married but for some odd reason I changed my mind.
We discussed it at length over the course of 6 months and the outcome was the same, he did not want children.
I love my DH more than anything and I wasn't prepared to lose him over something I never had. I also didn't want children with anyone else. Now I'm 35 so my biological clock is further on than yours and my response maybe somewhat controversial. However my DH changed his mind and we are expecting our baby boy in September.
Clearly you already have a beautiful daughter so you have the joy of knowing what it's like to be a mother! 🥰
But with your DP, is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is it worth losing him over not having another child?
As I said my response maybe controversial but you have to look at all angles.
I do hope you sort it out and you can both move forward with your relationship and be happy ❤️

AddedHiccup Sun 24-May-20 23:05:15

Good post Lockdown. And congratulations.

I agree you need to have a proper conversation where you decide if you are goi g to have a child or not and then go from there.

Butterflyheart Mon 25-May-20 00:20:33

@lockdownpregnancy congratulations that's wonderful news

I've tried to talk to him on multiple occasions and that's when these ''goalposts'' started.

In 2015, it was let's wait 2 years
In 2017, it was let's wait a little longer and get some savings
Now 2020, it's we need bigger house, better jobs, huge amount of savings and get married.
I think it's hit me more because my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant

OP’s posts: |
Hodge85 Mon 25-May-20 06:51:03

If you keep waiting for the "right" time, it'll never happen. I think you need to talk to him about it and it's going to have to be a very honest discussion. You both need to be on the same page. Honestly, no-one is ever fully prepared to have a child. Sounds like he's not ready yet but he might just need to talk it through with you. I am wish you all the best x

Also, congratulations @lockdownpregnancy x

BIWI Mon 25-May-20 08:48:34

I think, then, it's time to take charge.

Your next conversation starts with the fact that you have waited long enough, and that you believe that now is the right time to have a baby.

You tell him that from now on, sex will take place without any contraception because you want a baby.

His response to that will tell you everything you need to know.

Frankly it sounds like he's been stringing you along and he never wanted a baby in the first place!

But seriously, why does he get to call all the shots?

Carabu1 Mon 25-May-20 09:13:32

I feel for you op, this is so hard. Just to offer a different perspective on this: when husband and I first met neither of us wanted children (we were in mid-20s). This was discussed, and we were on the same page. Time passes, life moves on, and I changed my mind. Bf, as he was then, wasn’t all that keen and offered a variety of reasons - wanting to buy a house, get a better job, etc etc. I like you was ambivalent, but 5 years on we’ve done these things, and lots Elon fun stuff together besides, and he’s as excited as me that we’re expecting our first. I guess what I’m saying is, are these definitely ‘moving goalposts’ or legitimate things to want? We have a 3 bed, for eg, and it’s too small, IMO, for us and 2 kids (if we have have more we’ll have to move!). In my case I’m glad we waited, we’re in a much more secure situation now (and I’m still only just 30, so it’s not like I’m over the hill!)

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