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Advise - planning a baby and a wedding

(28 Posts)
Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 08:26:41

Hi All,
Hope you are all well during this time!
Just wanted some advise really.....
We were due to get married this year and were going to try for a baby straight after. However our wedding is going to be postponed because of you know what (hate even mentioning it anymore, annoys me!!!). So now that’s totally messed up our baby plans. I don’t want to be pregnant on my wedding day, I have spent years planning and I just want to have a good time. If we also wait longer, due to health issues on maternal side, I am worried I won’t be able to have kids the longer I wait. So now I am stuck on what to do. I know there’s never a “right” time for a baby in most cases, and you don’t fall pregnant straight away, it could also take months/years. But I just don’t know what to do.
I mean, if we try for a baby now, and successfully get pregnant, the baby will be around 4-5 months old at our wedding. Is having a bubba that young at our wedding going to be difficult? I know I sound so selfish but I have always pictured the perfect wedding day. Have any mums on here had a bubba around the same day on their wedding days, if so any advise? We only have one kid in my family so I am not clued up with babies/children.
Anyway any advice would be great! I also hope you don’t think I came across like an ungrateful selfish person. I am just someone who likes to have everything planned out x

OP’s posts: |
BeMorePacific Sat 23-May-20 08:29:04

I really feel for people that this is happening too. It’s so sad.
I think if I was you, I’d go for the baby. Then get married in a couple of years. Whatever you choose will be right for you. xx

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Sat 23-May-20 08:32:05

I think you need to decide whether you want the baby or the picture perfect wedding.

I think the marriage part is more important than the day itself, so I'd sacrifice my dream wedding for a child.

Even though I wouldn't usually suggest to anyone to wait for marriage and have the baby first, these are exceptional times.

SocksForceFive Sat 23-May-20 08:32:55

I would try for a baby. It may take a while to conceive anyway.

LilyE1234 Sat 23-May-20 08:37:35

I think the baby at the wedding depends on your family support and how ‘fussy’ your day is.

My friend had a baby less than 3 months before she got married but had excellent family support. she had to disappear a couple of times to express but other than that her mum and sister were a huge help and that allowed her to enjoy the day and let her hair down.

Her wedding was also really low key, she bought her dress off ASOS a couple of weeks before hand (looked fab), made her own cake and decorations and didn’t have the fussy sit down meal type set up but it was an amazing day - one of the best weddings I’ve been to. She really enjoyed it and had no regrets about doing it with such a small baby - he spent most of the time in his pram or being fussed over by the guests.

She still had a hen do and the baby came with and we all really loved having a more relaxed weekend away. Who actually enjoys the forced fun of hen do’s anyway!? grin

2020wish Sat 23-May-20 08:48:11

I had my wedding booked for 2021. So excited but with like urself I worried about leaving it too late. Me and my Dh decided to push our wedding back a year to Start ttc earlier. The way I see it... a wedding is one day and at the end of the day it can be done in a day If it was desperately wanted by a certain time frame. A baby is permanent outcome and ttc can be a long journey therefore I weighed that up as more important to put first smile our wedding is now in 2022 and we are officially pregnant now after 6 months of trying (including a mc within that six months). Good luck OP smile

seven201 Sat 23-May-20 08:58:12

I think it depends on your age and how much you want a baby. I've been trucking for my second child for 2 1/2 years now - a lot of things have been put on hold in my life in case I was pregnant - wish I'd not done that!

Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 09:04:45

Wow so many responses already! Thanks all! Yes this is so stressful, I have had many breakdowns and crying outbursts recently. See, there is the option to delay the wedding further to even 2022, but we would loose out on a lot of money we have already paid to the venue as they are only allowing us to resched to next year but no later than July. Our wedding isn’t low key... we have spent a hefty amount and it’s very OTT. I’ve dreamed of this day for years and years. I am marrying my best friend. He cannot wait to have a baby and he also doesn’t want to be an old dad, which I totally get. I am worried if we wait I cannot give him that due to the reasons above r.e. health issues. It’s just a big weight that I am carrying and I don’t know what to do.
Congrats on the pregnancy @2020wish!!!! Great news!

OP’s posts: |
seventhrow Sat 23-May-20 09:16:07

Everyone is saying maybe go for the baby first but if the wedding has been a big investment then maybe start trying 1-2 months before your wedding day? First trimester symptoms normally don’t start til 6 weeks in... If you’re worried about being pregnant and not being able drink, most brides don’t drink much anyway so you’d probably hardly notice going down any further!! The day is so completely elated, long, and full of relatives that brides often want to stay “with it” a bit and just float around looking amazing whilst the husband gets happy-beery. Good luck with what you choose!!!!!

MoreGinPlease2020 Sat 23-May-20 09:22:42

I was meant to be getting married tomorrow but have postponed to May next year. We started trying in January on the basis we might not conceive very quickly (fertility issues and a previous mmc) so I didn't want to wait, but I fell pregnant straight away and am now 17 weeks pregnant. Being pregnant on my wedding day didn't bother me (whether I'd actually fit into my dress at the moment is a question I now don't need to worry about!!), so we'll have a 6 month old at the wedding when it finally happens. I'm hoping it'll be easy enough on the day as the baby will either be sleeping or will be being entertained by loads of loving family members! Good luck with whatever you decide!

Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 10:03:38

Awww how wonderful @MoreGinPlease2020! Congrats! I have already googled and apparently it tends to get easier with babies around 6months old (unsure how true that is) I am sure you’ll be find, sounds like you are mentally prepared x

OP’s posts: |
Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 10:05:04

@seventhrow yes we could do, again trying 1/2 months before is delaying it by 13months. I really need to have a think about it all sad

OP’s posts: |
ineedaholidaynow Sat 23-May-20 10:07:15

How old are you both?

Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 10:11:49

I’m 28 he is 30 @ineedaholidaynow

OP’s posts: |
ClaraLane Sat 23-May-20 10:12:34

For me it would come down to whether you could afford to be off work on maternity leave and still make the payments you’ll need to make for the wedding. If that isn’t a worry then I’d go for it however we wouldn’t have been able to afford our wedding if I’d been on reduced pay.

pawpatrolpawpatrol Sat 23-May-20 10:20:12

28 & 30 is pretty young in fertility terms, I had thought by the tone of your post you were mid- late 30s.
What's the health concern, if you don't mind saying? Is it something that would affect fertility ?
Depending what contraception you are on it may take a couple months for your cycle to become regular when you stop it, so you could always stop it 4-5 months before 2021 weeding then start actively trying 1-2 months before as above poster said

Missdeedeex Sat 23-May-20 10:23:08

@pawpatrolpawpatrol hey. Yes we are young in regards to being future parents as many people these days have kids much later in life. The woman in my family all have Extremely early menopause’s (all in their 20’s) which is hereditary so I am scared I am a ticking time bomb

OP’s posts: |
MoreGinPlease2020 Sat 23-May-20 10:25:00

Subject to affordability of paying for a wedding while on maternity leave, could you start trying now for a few months and then stop until 1-2 months before the wedding? I appreciate it's such a difficult decision. If it's any consolation I'm 36 so a bit older than you. X

Lavenderpurple Sat 23-May-20 10:27:20

Perfect wedding days are overrated. You need the marriage. That’s the important bit. At your ages, I’d probably hold off a bit on the baby.
I was mega stressed planning a wedding (not sure why looking back, it really is only a day) and wouldn’t have wanted a small baby as well. But that’s just me.
Good luck whatever you decide. It will all fall into place.

overandunder9 Sat 23-May-20 10:33:13

My DS1 was 8 months at our wedding. It was lovely as lots of family members that don’t leave nearby got to meet him for the first time. My DSILs looked after him between them so everyone got time to enjoy him and the day.

overandunder9 Sat 23-May-20 10:34:00

*live not leave

Darkstar4855 Sat 23-May-20 10:44:07

Well I was going to say wait until after the wedding if you want a “perfect” wedding day as it will be much harder with a 4-5 month old in tow and being postnatal will make dress fittings etc. more complicated.

But if you have a strong family history of premature ovarian failure and you really want children I personally wouldn’t risk delaying and would rather have a less perfect wedding than risk not being able to have children.

If you have good family support it will help and if you are not planning to breastfeed then at least someone else can feed for you if the baby is hungry during the ceremony.

If you are keen to have a large family there might be some value in seeing a fertility specialist to discuss options and/or considering egg freezing as a precaution.

sherbetmelon Sat 23-May-20 10:54:09

If I were you the baby would win. I had a baby and got engaged 4 months later. Marriage was always a nice idea but not a 'must' for me but we couldn't wait to start a family. I was due to get married tomorrow with my now 1 year old but that'll just have to wait. I won't have a wedding tomorrow but I do have a happy healthy 1 year old. Family wins for me smile

Badassmama Sat 23-May-20 10:59:09

I ended up getting married at 7 months as we didn’t want to cancel our wedding, I don’t regret it for a second as my mum died suddenly a few months later. We never know what’s around the next corner so make the most of right now.

MichelleOR84 Sat 23-May-20 11:04:51

My husband and I had thought about trying before getting married but I didn’t wanna be pregnant on my wedding day because I wanted to drink and have fun . I was so stressed on my big day that I didn’t do either 😩! My wedding would have been just as great pregnant or with a baby . Maybe I would have even relaxed a bit 😝

However I actually waited 2 years after my wedding before trying, luckily got pregnant right away and felt like the timing of everything worked out perfectly . Financially it was a good decision too as we bought a house the year we got married so a baby would have been too much .

My best friend was in the same situation as you and held off trying. Now it’s been 2 years since her wedding and she’s still not pregnant and wishes she tried 3 years ago when she first wanted to .

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