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Pregnancy

Pregnant and grieving

17 replies

mrssunshinexxx · 21/05/2020 11:08

Just wondered if anyone else was in the same boat?
I've just lost my mum 3 weeks ago who was my best friend in the universe so suddenly my world is upside down I am also 36 weeks pregnant with my first just wondered if anyone is going through similar

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UrsulaSings · 21/05/2020 11:46

I havent experienced that OP, but I didnt want to not respond as you havent had any responses yet. I'm so, so sorry for your loss I cant imagine what you must be going through at the moment. I hope someone comes along soon who has experienced similar.

Italia2005 · 21/05/2020 11:49

I am so sorry for such a huge loss. You must be feeling overwhelmed and sad. Would you like to tell us a bit about your Mum?

Nov19 · 21/05/2020 11:54

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I’ve not been in the same boat but when I was pregnant with my first child my dad was diagnosed with Cancer, a routine operation went wrong and when I was 25 weeks he was on life support with a poor outcome. Part of me grieved so much at the time as we knew he was going to die of cancer anyway, but the inevitable looked as though it’d be a lot sooner due to the complications of his operation. He pulled through and lived a while longer, however it was a surreal feeling going through something like that whilst pregnant. It made pregnancy feel so bitter sweet and I remember feeling guilty about looking forward to having a baby on the rare occasion I remembered I was pregnant. It was such a blur at the time because I’d spent so much time upset.

I don’t know if you relate to any of that but I think the best advice I can give is to acknowledge how you feel and don’t feel guilty for it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Take care xx

Nicalo2019 · 21/05/2020 12:03

I'm not in the very same boat as you but I can imagine how you are feeling. I lost my. Mum in September 18, she was my best friend and she was amazing. She had a long fight with cancer from July 2017. Now I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my first child and my due date is the day before her 2 years anniversary in September. I miss her soo much and just want to talk to her about this and share all the exciting things that are happening. In a way I feel like I am grieving in a totally different way now for her. she would have been so happy right now and it hurts everyday she isn't around.

I can't give you any advice because I'm just winging it right now.. But what I will say is she is always with you.

Here if you need to chat xxx

Honeybee0203 · 21/05/2020 12:04

Sending you lots and lots and lots of love and hugs. I lost my Dad when I was 26 weeks pregnant, I'm 41 weeks now so it's been a while. It does get better but it still hurts, especially the fact he never got to meet my baby. But I take comfort that he saw all the scan pictures and was so excited to be a grandad.
Have you got other family around to support you? Mine have been amazing I'm so grateful.

maria2bela · 21/05/2020 12:05

So sorry to hear this OP! I lost my nan and aunty whilst pregnant with my first child, not like loosing your mum though! That's just awful 😓.

I grieved during my pregnancy and was worried I'd harm the baby but was reassured that baby will be fine! Don't be afraid to cry and let it out. If you're able to, try and put some support in place for when baby is born, like an extra pair of hands to help and someone to lean on. Your world will be upside down for a while but you will learn how to live with it, and your beautiful baby will be a beacon of light for you during such a horrible time x

PRandShoes · 21/05/2020 12:14

Op - I am so sorry for your loss.

This was me. My mum fell ill and died very unexpectedly when I was pregnant. I was unable to attend her funeral as I was so far along and could not travel (by plane to another country).

The only positive at all was that I found being pregnant and hormonal etc meant that I simply could not ignore it. I had to feel the grief and experience it. And no one expected me to just bounce back or get over it.

DH was amazing - supportive and understanding. I had a DC already so that helped as it gave me someone else to focus on. Midwives were universally kind (but never wrote anything in my notes so I constantly had to reexplain why I was a mess). I wrote the odd letter to my mum, or a note to myself which helped a bit.

I am not a whoo hoo person but I truly absolutely felt her around in those first few months after she died and when DD was small. I had to have an emergency c-section and while they were prepping me and DH was still not allowed in the room, I swear she was there. If it was real or in my mind, it comforted me.

Be kind to yourself. Lower your expectations. Remind yourself as much as you like of all her good qualities. I bet she was so happy about this baby - so remember the too.

ChakaDakotaRegina · 21/05/2020 12:26

My mother died when my baby was 4 weeks. It was an absolute whirlwind and I think I turned off and went numb somehow because I had to.
It has been hard (not having the guidance, the help, the joy of telling her things, just not fucking having her) But - you do have a beautiful baby to concentrate on and pour all your love into and it forces you to take some time out and get your head together (when things settle a bit).

I hope you have some good people to lean on. I’m so sorry for your loss.

mossberry · 21/05/2020 12:42

Not exactly the same as what you're going through op but my dad died last year from a short illness when my daughter was 16 weeks old.

It's been a bittersweet year. All of my daughter's 'firsts' were also my 'firsts' without my dad. So Christmas, her first birthday, all were tinged with sadness. But I know that my lovely dad would want me to enjoy those times with my baby and so they were probably easier than they might have been.

I didn't get a chance to take any photos of my daughter and dad together. And I hate that he never got the chance to buy her a Christmas or birthday present. And he won't see her grow up. I hate that she won't know him.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The most joyous time of your life will also be one of the saddest. But your child will help you stay strong and give you something to live for.

Please think about bereavement councelling, if you haven't already. I struggled to process what happened to my dad because with a very young baby, I didn't have time to come to terms with it. And it eventually had an impact on my mental health.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

biscuit13 · 21/05/2020 14:21

@mrssunshinexxx I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I just wanted to say I am going through the same thing, I lost my mum beginning of April when I was 9 weeks pregnant.
The pain was like nothing I'd ever felt before, I rang the midwife services because I didnt have my own one yet and cried down the phone because I was terrified of losing the baby too due to stress. I'm 16 weeks now so all ok so far.
But I am still really struggling with grief, I feel like I am grieving for my mum who I was incredibly close to, and also the future I had imagined with her and my baby. I still get very overwhelmed sometimes, but it might be nice to talk to each other about it? I dont know anyone else going through this.

mrssunshinexxx · 22/05/2020 15:24

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

@Nov19 I can definitely relate before losing mum I had no emotion other than excitement towards the pregnancy I have wanted to be a mum for so long and I had no fears now I just feel empty and scared about everything. Obviously before I didn't have these negative thoughts because I knew aslong as I had her I would be ok.

The pain is just unbearable it's been a month tomorrow and my poor poor dad is in such a state I wish I could make it better.

I have also been clashing with my husband he just doesn't understand what I'm going through and doesn't know what to say or do it's just a horrific time I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy x

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BlingLoving · 22/05/2020 15:28

I have also been clashing with my husband he just doesn't understand what I'm going through and doesn't know what to say or do it's just a horrific time I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy x

I'm really sorry to hear that. DH was amazing in my case. So much so that I worry whether I can match him when it is my turn to support him through the loss of a parent. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do and I wish, for your sake, that he found it easier. Most importantly I think, DH just was guided by me and didn't take it personally when I was unhappy or distant.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/05/2020 07:38

@BlingLoving there's just so much going on in my mind and it's mainly very negative And angry which is so far from the person I usually am. I feel strange now towards his family which I guess is part of the grief but I'm so jealous his mum gets to be grandma to my baby when all I want is my mum. It feels so cruel and hurts so much for me dad and my sister to lose the main person in our world x

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BlingLoving · 23/05/2020 14:39

I feel strange now towards his family which I guess is part of the grief but I'm so jealous his mum gets to be grandma to my baby when all I want is my mum. It feels so cruel and hurts so much for me dad and my sister to lose the main person in our world x

This is a perfectly normal reaction. If I can give you any advice is don't say this to DH but feel free to rant on here or to friends. When I found out my dad was sick later (thank god, it wasn't as bad as we initially thought), I have to admit that before I could see DH I had to call a friend because I was just so angry that potentially my children would have no grandparents on my side while DH's parents were just fine. I was LIVID.

I had enough presence of mind to know it wasn't fair, but if I hadn't had that opportunity to say something to someone else, I hate to think what I might have said to DH.

mrssunshinexxx · 23/05/2020 15:07

Yeah too late @BlingLoving I've said awful things I'm a horrible person at the moment not sure why he is sticking around I really wouldn't blame him. I don't know how I could of kept it from him though as I don't want to see his parents the thought of them coming to see the baby is too much right now x

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BlingLoving · 23/05/2020 15:28

Hopefully he understands that you are grieving. You don't have to spend that much time with them if you don't want to. Tell him it's hard. Tell him you're sorry but it's just too hard right now. That gives you some time to process before the baby comes. I know it's hard.

mrssunshinexxx · 13/06/2020 15:57

@biscuit13 so sorry I just came back to read this thread as having a worse day than normal please feel free to private message me I don't know how to do it x

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