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How insensitive can anyone be?

(36 Posts)
Scampynoodle Mon 17-Sep-07 02:54:28

I'm staying with my sister-in-law and family at the mo and she is driving me nuts with her constant comments about me being pregnant. She's had me in tears twice and right now I'm on the verge of saying or doing something that will strain family relations for a long time to come. May I share with you some of her more choice comments?

"You think you are big now? Just wait until you are seven months gone." This is repeated almost daily. In fact she has said this three times today without any prompting from anyone.
"You and dh get on well now but once the baby is born you'll never get on that well again. You can forget your marriage."
"See, you think that you look pregnant but here in America you just look fat."
"Kids will drive you insane. It's a nightmare. They'll never be what you want them to be."
"Oh, labour is just horrific. The worst thing you can ever go through. You haven't a clue about what's going to hit you." Followed by a knowing and smug laugh.
"Oh, you haven't got a clue have you! Just wait until the baby is born. Then you'll find out what it's really like." This is the stock response to everything I say from painting the nursery to breastfeeding.

and just half an hour ago:

"That top looks nice on you. You know you won't be able to get into it in a couple of months don't you?"

Exactly what is she trying to achieve with her comments? It's nothing good, I can tell you.

Ok, she may be right about labour being agonising and me getting fatter but does she have to bang on about it?

She also knows how much of a hard time I've had with being pregnant and that I worry awfully about it but this doesn't stop her. When I think about me and dh and the baby on our own I feel able to cope with whatever is chucked at me. But when I keep hearing this crap I just feel like I'm failing. We've only 48 hours until our flight home but it feels like the longest bloody 48 hours of my life right now.

Oh, sorry about my moan but I need to hear nice things from people other than my DH (who is fab!). My friends and family are back in the UK and until I see them at the end of the week I need you lovelies to keep me going. Make me smile. Go on!


Hopeitwontbebig Mon 17-Sep-07 02:59:34

Scampy, sounds to me like she's massively jealous of you. Take NO notice, some people don't like to see others being happy.

Keep your chin up and keep your dignity and rise above it. I know 48 hours seems a long time, but you can do it!!!

Kiddi Mon 17-Sep-07 03:14:44

crumbs! she is a nightmare, yeah ok, none of her comments are original but how awful is she trying to be. ok so labour hurts, but i did it twice with out pain relief, ds normal size dd massive, and I am still here and semi sane!! Ok so you get fatter, but I would be concerned if you were not! and yes you will be bigger at the end of preg than at beginning, but thats NORMAL! to be honest I dont think you need to say anything to her( and thats not because i am polite) as she quite clearly has issues to deal with herself. leave her to stew when you come home, and get on with enjoying the good bits of pregnancy. Its like everything you get out of it what you out in, and just think If you can cope with that tyriad of abuse you will be able to calm a crying baby when its upset!

AnnainNZ Mon 17-Sep-07 03:20:02

Grit your teeth and ignore her. I've had someone saying similar things - asking me what stuff I have bought for the baby, then, when I tell her, saying "Oh yes, it's all very exciting now, just wait till reality sets in, you won't know what's hit you" etc etc etc blah blah blah. I mean what am I supposed to reply? "Ooh, OK, I'll just be really miserable and not look forward to my baby arriving AT ALL then". Of course it will be hard at times but what use is it stressing about it now?????

Ignore her - that's what I'm doing!

AnnainNZ Mon 17-Sep-07 03:26:32

Ooh AND that "you'll be so big at 7 months" comment - well I'm just over 7 months now and I love my big curvy bump. And so does DH. It's fab - no trying to hold the stomach in - it's MEANT to be big!grin

Hello, Scampy. Just ignore her .It sounds as though she didn't enjot being pregnant herself and maybe doesn't enjoy motherhood too much either.

Yes, you'll be bigger at 7,8,9 months but by then it will be obvious to everybody that you're pregnant & they'll all be making a fuss of you. Yes, labour is difficult & painful. That's why they call it labour & not "happy, fun baby arrival time". But nobody can describe to you the feeling you get when you see your baby for the first time, and when you get to hold him for the first time. It's something that will stay with you forever.

This is such a special time for you & for dh & for your little bump. Rub your tummy, take a deep breath & ignore her. Dont let her spoil things for you.

beansprout Mon 17-Sep-07 03:47:35

She is saying more about herself than she is about you.
She clearly has some issues around pregnancy, body image and motherhood. Let her get on with it. I am 20 weeks and look glorious - and so do you!!!

This is such a special time, please don't let anyone spoil it for you.

I had a terrible time from my step daughter when I was pregnant with ds ("you know he (her dad) will leave you, don't you? You have no right to have a baby. You are too old to have a baby (I was 34!) etc etc). It really upset me at the time, but I also just gravitated to the friends and relatives who were supportive and happy for me. Everyone else just has to just mind their own business. Let her get on with her bitterness, you just enjoy your pregnancy!
Oh and btw, dh and I have never been closer than since ds was born, so nuh to her!! grin

SittingBull Mon 17-Sep-07 03:49:31

Message withdrawn

beansprout Mon 17-Sep-07 03:50:30

Good advice SB! She is trying to get a rise out of you - if you are just serene and ignore her, it will annoy her no end!! Result!! grin

Uki Mon 17-Sep-07 04:53:51

good God, she's a cracker. Sadly though Scampy you do get a lot of comments like this from everyone before and after birth. so on the good side you will now be mega prepared.

dh just read this and said, "wow she's pretty bad" and said it reminded him of a book on conflict resolution, the author states how some people are just socially retarded blush and you should treat them as such. wink

Hope that helps wink

melontum Mon 17-Sep-07 05:55:44

Some choice replies:
"Yes, I thought you looked like a beached whale in your pregnancy pictures".
"Is that why your husband goes out drinking every night rather than spend time with you and the family?"
"If your kids were mine I'd be disappointed in them, too".
"But you're not pregnant right now..." (the looking fat comment)
"At least I know I'll still look good in some of my clothes post-partum".

No, on other hand, don't say any of it. But you're allowed to think it...

Doodledootoo Mon 17-Sep-07 06:06:57

Message withdrawn

imtheirmum Mon 17-Sep-07 09:51:26

If she's just like this regarding your pregnancy then she obviously has some sort of pregnancy/parenting issue (which she is dealing with badly). If she's like that about other stuff then she just has some sort of issue with life! What can you do? A happy well balanced person just wouldn't make those sort of comments. Just feel sad for her - she has to live inside that head every day.
FWIW despite any hardship around pregnancy, birth, I personally find life with newborn or life with school age kids to be so wonderful that I couldn't contemplate life without them. That's not to say it doesn't have it's challenges, but any hardship is totally outweighed by the joy. As someone said to me, "there's no love like it". Enjoy!

spugs Mon 17-Sep-07 09:52:37

tell her at least you have a reason for getting fatter and ask her what hers is grin
she sounds like a right cow and personally i would tell her where to go

MaryAnnSingleton Mon 17-Sep-07 09:52:52

she's just jealous - let it flow over you

spugs Mon 17-Sep-07 09:54:07

actually everyone elses ignore her comments is prob better advice grin

claraq Mon 17-Sep-07 09:58:06

You could always go for the "yes but at least I don't live in a country that has George Bush as a president" comment?

TinyGang Mon 17-Sep-07 10:03:19

Agree with beansprout - this is about her, not you.

I hate hate people that make the 'just you wait...' comments to pregnant women. It's spiteful, unhelpful and untrue. Especially when you may be feeling a bit unsure about things anyway.

Ignore her, if you can. Or you could just 'sympathetically'wink ask her where she feels it all went so terribly wrong for her.

Don't let her rattle you or spoil this exciting time. You'll be fine. And of course you'll be big, and beautiful, and full of a lovely lovely new baby! smile

unicorn Mon 17-Sep-07 10:13:06

I reckon she sounds very jealous, doesn't like the attention being taken from her.

I remember my sil being pregnant at same time as me, but they announced it earlier (first).. when we got round to telling them she literally upped and left the table.
Don't recall her saying congratulations or anything.

I think pregnancy affects women in very strange ways. I guess I took the wind out of her sails.

Hold tight, keep your dignity (if you can) smile beatifically and just tell her that you are looking forward to all that pregnancy/birth and child rearing entails, and what a shame that she must have had such a bad time of it.

48 hours is not long!

snowleopard Mon 17-Sep-07 10:25:25

Oh scampy she sounds like a rude cow, who is miserable in one way or another and wants to bring you down. Some women get like this when they have had a baby and the see someone who's pregnant - they just love thinking they have one up on you because they know something you don't. It's madness because someone who's been through it should be supportive, but that's not always how it works.... but remember - she has been through her experience of pregnancy and birth, not yours - you are unique and for you it will be how it will be.

Some alternatives:

"You think you are big now? Just wait until you are seven months gone."

You look beautiful and as your pregnancy goes on you will look more and more amazing because that big bump means you are making another brand new shiny little person. Fab!

"You and dh get on well now but once the baby is born you'll never get on that well again. You can forget your marriage."

Yes your relationship may change. if it's strong now, it may be different, but better. You can handle it.

"See, you think that you look pregnant but here in America you just look fat."

No, you look pregnant. So in America, there are a lot of fat people who look fat. The more pregnant you get, the more pregnant you will look.

"Kids will drive you insane. It's a nightmare. They'll never be what you want them to be."

If you don't set out with that atitude, that you expect your kids to be a certain way, then they will be happy kids who will be who they want to be.

And it's not a nightmare, it's great.

"Oh, labour is just horrific. The worst thing you can ever go through. You haven't a clue about what's going to hit you."

Well, she's right that you can't imagine what it's like - and she can't imagine what it's going to be like for you either. For many women it's the most amazing, positive and moving experience - even for me with a long, painful labour followed by a caesarean.

"Oh, you haven't got a clue have you! Just wait until the baby is born. Then you'll find out what it's really like."

Um, yes you will. You'll find out that it's the most amazing experience ever and you never knew you could feel such love.

"That top looks nice on you. You know you won't be able to get into it in a couple of months don't you?"

Yes, that's great. That's because you are pregnant which is something to celebrate. Plus you'll get to wear it again later. Er, can't see any negatives there!

dal21 Mon 17-Sep-07 10:33:35

scampy. <<hugs>>

she is a miserable cow who obviously incredibly unhappy with what life has served her.

ignore her, she wants you to bite back / show some reaction - don't, that will give her too much satisfaction.

no one - including you knows what the future holds - regarding your birth/ the remainder of your pregnancy or the relationship with your DH.

Just to share something, I am closer than ever to my DH since our LO has been born; the love and affection we have for one another has not dminished but grown. and the so called 'arguments/ sniping' that we were (constantly) warned about having have thus far not surfaced.

feedmenow Mon 17-Sep-07 12:04:55

I reckon melontums suggestions were just fantastic! But if you don't feel able to actually say them, then I second her advice on just smugly thinking them to yourself! However, I have to confess that if you actually manage to just think them and not say them then you are more of a woman than me!!!!!!
Good luck for the next couple of days and sod what she thinks grin

aikigypsy Mon 17-Sep-07 13:28:08

She sounds miserable and I'd like to see her get a good sharp comment or two in return... but if I were in your position I would just try to minimise the time with her in the next 2 days, like by going out for breakfast and not coming back until near bedtime. Hard to do when you need a midday nap, but probably worth it in this case.

I like the idea of calling it "happy, fun baby arrival time," just because that's how I feel about it right now. Am ridiculously looking forward to it.

NAB3 Mon 17-Sep-07 13:31:12

She is mean and jealous and obviously knows she can upset you by saying these things.

She is an idiot.

It is great you are getting bigger. Your baby is growing.

You won't want to wear that top in a few weeks anyway as your fab DH will buy you some new clothes.

You can forget your marriage being just you and him. You are a family now

She is barmy.

MrsMcJnr Mon 17-Sep-07 13:47:39

Scampynoodle - smile hello! chances are we are about the same size as we are due within days of each other smile I am so sorry that your SIL is getting you down and I'm angry - why do people feel that they have to spoil our fun when its our first time and should be a wonderful experience? My Mum always goes on about my weight (and she hasn't even seen me since 12 weeks). It does sound as if your SIL is either bitter, jealous or is just a bitch, you'll be home soon hon! grin I was at an Aqua natal class last week and whilst I'd felt self conscious beforehand because people make comments about my bump at work, I felt tiny afterwards as there were so many gorgeous, massive bumps there! chin up and come back to the AN thread V soon. xx

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