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How to tell someone TTC that I’m preg (again)

(24 Posts)
excitednerves Mon 27-Apr-20 08:50:10

In my group of friends, all but one of us have kids already. I found out while I was pregnant with my first that one friend has struggled TTC. I’m now pregnant again and I want to be really sensitive about how I tell her.

I know I can’t relate to what she’s going through and I feel guilty that I’ve found it easy. I know she’ll be happy for me but it also must be hard to hear about other people getting pregnant.

Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
Littlelot Mon 27-Apr-20 09:20:25

Having been the friend, I would suggest a text message to tell her at first so that she can react (cry, get angry with the world - note she won’t be angry with you but with the huge unfairness of it all) without anyone watching. I’d acknowledge her feelings with a statement along the lines of I know that this might be difficult for you but I really wanted you to hear it from me first ... I found when I was in that situation I could be happy for my friends but equally I felt really sad for myself and it was entirely possible to be both! After that I’d take your lead from her, if she asks questions then talk normally about the baby/pregnancy but if she talks about other things give her time. The fact that you are aware that she will be hurt and upset already shows you are a caring friend and I think a lot of the time with infertility when people just are able to see beyond their own bubble and acknowledge that it’s really crap for those struggling that in itself helps. Good luck with everything.

tinselvestsparklepants Mon 27-Apr-20 09:24:55

Exactly as the above poster said. I've been that friend. A text is far,far kinder than in person. A text allows you to react honestly and privately, and it shows thoughtfulness on your part, which really helps. Congratulations on your news and thank you for thinking of your friend.

PurpleDaisies Mon 27-Apr-20 09:27:23

Just popping on to agree with the others. Definitely text. It might seem impersonal but it really is the most sensitive way and she’ll appreciate it.

Just keep it short and factual. I absolutely hate all the “I know you’ll find it hard...” stuff. It’s bad enough not being able to react normally to happy news without having it shoved in your face.

Somersetlady Mon 27-Apr-20 09:28:50

Are you over 13 weeks? If so agree with pp.
if not wait until scan the. Tell her first in message or on call depending on your relationship with her.

PurpleDaisies Mon 27-Apr-20 09:31:06

Don’t call. It’s really hard to say congratulations convincingly if you’re crying.

excitednerves Mon 27-Apr-20 09:51:58

Thanks everyone. That really helps. @Littlelot that’s exactly what I was thinking. I know she’ll be happy for me but it must feel so unfair to see other people get what you want so much for yourself.

@Somersetlady yes, waiting until after my scan to tell anybody. But it’s been on my mind.

Thanks all. X

OP’s posts: |
London91 Mon 27-Apr-20 10:02:04

Hey @excitednerves just wanted to agree with that the others said and telling her before other friends will mean she won't hear it second hand. I've been that friend and was grateful to hear first without someone else telling me. Through text means she can have a cry if she needs to or be angry, because she won't be angry or upset with you just her situation. Don't take it personally if you either don't hear from her straight away or as often as she probably needs a bit of time to process the information or just have a pity party.

I also wanted to say what a lovely considerate friend you are. I'm sure she'll appreciate your thought!

Best of luck with your pregnancy!
flowers

MichelleOR84 Mon 27-Apr-20 17:05:14

I’m going through the same thing !

One of my best friends has been trying for a long time and I’m now 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 . I know she’s going to be upset .

I plan on telling her as I would tell anyone ( likely text , which is what I did with my first pregnancy) and I’m definitely not mentioning anything about her journey.

I know she will act super excited and happy for me but she will be crying her eyes out . It breaks my heart 🥺

mouse1234567 Mon 27-Apr-20 17:30:03

Totally agree with all previous posters. As an IVFer and someone that was ttc for many years you are obviously always happy for your friends but it is so hard to hear pregnancy announcements. Text her ahead of other people -that’s all you can do really. You sound like a lovely friend.

anniebu Mon 27-Apr-20 17:45:17

If I was the (close) TTC friend of the OP I would appreciate a text saying "I fell pregnant. Wishing you same luck soon!". Positive and short. Actually assuming I should find the news hard to swallow would be really uncalled for. Even if you are coming out of a good place some can see comments like "it will be hard for you" as uncalled for and insensitive, and for some it will not be true!

PurpleDaisies Mon 27-Apr-20 17:48:25

Wishing you same luck soon!

Oh god, don’t say this.

Umnoway Mon 27-Apr-20 17:52:12

I had to tell a friend of mine I was pregnant a few months ago, she had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks last year so I had no idea how to broach the subject with her and genuinely worried about it for weeks. I just told her in the gentlest way possible and also made sure to mention the fact I would not talk about my pregnancy all of the time and didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way. I told her by text which is the kindest way, it allows them to process it properly before responding.

My friend has been fine with it, I didn’t expect her to be as cool with it as she has been but it’s been a total relief.

Umnoway Mon 27-Apr-20 17:53:05

So basically make sure you text rather than call or tell her face to face. Don’t send a scan or bump photo and don’t bombard her with pregnancy updates.

gingerbeerandlemonade Mon 27-Apr-20 20:26:13

I did this with a friend when I fell with my second and she said it meant a lot that I text rather than phoned. It will be a shock so gives time to come to terms.

beelzeboob Mon 27-Apr-20 20:32:18

I’m in the same boat as you, although my friend has been told they definitely can’t have kids. I’ve done a bit of research and i asked my other friend who struggled for years to conceive what she would have preferred and the consensus is to text first, so they can let their complex emotions do their thing in private.
I’m waiting till my 12 week scan to do it

EarlGreyT Mon 27-Apr-20 22:07:24

I agree with everyone else who has said tell her via text. Just tell her in a matter of fact way. I have also been in your friend’s shoes and although text does seem a bit impersonal it is the least bad way to tell her.

You sound like a lovely understanding friend and this I know she’ll be happy for me but it must feel so unfair to see other people get what you want so much for yourself. is exactly how I felt when other people announced their pregnancies plus the announcements emphasised my upset, disappointment and frustration at my own situation.

Wishing you same luck soon!
Really really don’t do this.

justanotherneighinparadise Mon 27-Apr-20 22:12:07

Do you need to tell her? It’s not like your going to be seeing her for a while. Personally I’d just put it off for as long as I possibly could.

PurpleDaisies Mon 27-Apr-20 22:17:41

If the op is telling other friends, it’s pretty bad to leave this friend out. She’ll find out from someone else anyway. It’s worse not to be told that told. You miss out on so much anyway when you’re the only one who hasn’t got kids. It’s not nice to be kept out of the loop, even with good motives.

elenacampana Mon 27-Apr-20 22:25:00

I was the TTC friend who got the pregnancy announcement last week. I also had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. The announcement came as a scan photo and I really didn’t need to see it. Just let your friend know with words and don’t say you hope she gets some good luck soon as was suggested above.

Purpleowl94 Wed 29-Apr-20 07:31:24

I had a similar situation I guess, I found out I was pregnant about a week after one of my best friends suffered a miscarriage and another friend lost a baby at 19 weeks. I genuinely felt awful both their baby's were planned (mine wasn't) and the amount of nights I lost sleep over telling them was unreal. It's not as easy as oh you won't see them for a while for me as one of them I saw on a fairly regular basis 1-2 times a week and we are in a very small friendship group 🙄 I didn't want to tell people that we were pregnant really and found it difficult every time I saw my friend as I knew she was TTC. Me and my OH made the decision to not tell people until February time (found out early November) however by this time both of my friends had announced they were pregnant...both due in August and so far they are having happy and healthy pregnancys.
I knew that I couldn't go on not telling either of them so I had wrote both of them a letter and then bottled out 3 million times sending it as I wanted them to hear it from me and not someone else but I also wanted to give them time to process it before speaking to me which I thought they wouldn't be able to if I had done if over the phone. X

excitednerves Wed 20-May-20 14:01:06

Hi all. I’ve been reading back through this thread as I’ve now had my scan and starting to tell people. Thanks so much for all of your advice. A short text it

I think not telling her would be way worse. What if she heard from another friend or saw something on Instagram?

Wish me luck and thanks again for all your help

OP’s posts: |
EllieJai44 Wed 20-May-20 15:45:09

@excitednerves I've just been in the same situation, I have a friend who has been TTC for nearly a year with no luck, I already have a little girl and been TTC our second pretty much since she was a month old.
I fell pregnant in August, October and December of last year, all ended in miscarriages, with my daughter we tried for 6 months, so i know how my friend feels a bit as well as having the losses.

We talked about everything, compared cycles and symptoms, then sent tests we thought had lines etc but shes been struggling, each month sent her down deeper and deeper and my falling pregnant again this month has sent her over the edge.

First she told me she wanted space, so i gave it to her, then she wanted to talk about it, so we did. Only for her to say its too much and now our friendship is over because she cannot watch someone else go through pregnancy when it isnt happening to her.....

I get how she feels, I have friends who are due the same months as I would have been, one friend even just had her little girl.

I hope your friend takes it better and if shes a true friend she will be happy for you! Congratulations!

thetangleteaser Wed 20-May-20 18:32:40

My cousin has been TTC for over two years, I had a very unplanned pregnancy, the first baby in the family for years, everyone had been telling her it would be her as it was very well known they were trying. I sent her a text and she was nothing but happy for me, she’s since told me she sat and cried after receiving the text and was relieved I hadn’t told her face to face. She’s been nothing but supportive and amazing with my baby and I make sure I ask her about her progress with fertility doctors and IVF so it never feels like the elephant in the room😌

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