Talk

Advanced search

My ex wants nothing to with me or our baby

(21 Posts)
firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:51:55

I guess I'm writing this because my heart is breaking already.

Last month my boyfriend broke up with me, it was amicable but it broke my heart. We'd been together two years and we were very on and off but in love (or so I thought) but he felt it had come to an end and although it broke his heart too, he hoped we could be friends down the line.

10 days ago I got in contact to tell him I was pregnant. We had been trying for a year (one early miscarriage) and I couldn't quite believe it. 3 weeks previous, a good friend of mine had got pregnant and he had told me not worry it would happen for us, as I was starting to worry it would never happen.

I had found out a few days previous but put off telling him because I didn't want him to stay with me just because of the baby - I had nothing to worry about, as soon as a I told him he turned into someone else, worse that his normal temper.

We've been texting back and forth now for a few days but he's ultimately now blocked me. He said he thought he was free off me, this month has been the best month of his life, I'm selfish, I'm a brat, he's told me to abort, told me to get back with my ex and to top it off he's gone on a date with 'someone he's known for a long time' on valentines day.

I know I can't force him to be a Parent and I won't, I guess i'm just devastated than he could turn this cruel and how he's gone from wanted to start a family with me , to missing me but wanted to be friends, to he would have never seen me again. He keeps saying I have trapped him and he's gutted but I didn't trick him into a pregnancy.

I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement. I want to do what is right for this baby and right for us. I don't want to terminate as it's been such a long journey (one I thought would never happen) but I also don't want him to feel trapped. I guess the more nasty he is the more stubborn I get. If the best thing is to terminate (which the thought devastates me) is it right he gets his own way from being nasty? That doesn't sit well with me.

Any advice and words of encouragement would be much appreciated xx

Cantthinkofausernametbh Fri 14-Feb-20 21:02:59

Oh honey first of all let me tell you that I’ve been in this exact situation 2 years ago down to the dot, I know exactly how you feel. I really do understand just how unwanted and heart broke you must feel right now, I had my baby completely on my own but hoped he would come back al through my pregnancy, I wasted my whole pregnancy on this a-hole. If you want to keep the baby do so, it’s not his choice to make, if he doesn’t want to be involved he’s the one that’s going to be missing out. My child doesn’t have a father but he does have a mother who would go to the end of the earth and back for him, I haven’t got much of a support system but I’ve just always managed, best advice I can give you and I wish someone was there to tell me this is you actually don’t need a man to do this (if you want to). Shift your focus, what really helped me was making lists of everything I needed for my baby and for a new house, I then spent hours looking at stuff online which really helped take my mind of things, thrillers and documentaries on Netflix was what I loved for during the end of my pregnancy really helped. Cry if you need to but give yourself an ultimatum. He’s clearly not worth it what a awful human being. My ex actually did exactly the same, said he loved me so so much tried to get back together with me in may and in July when our baby was born he Went on holiday with another girl, it broke my heart and tbh with you sometimes it still does. But I have a little boy to live for now and being his mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, he’s given me a lot of purpose and strength and I had to grow up really really fast (teen mum) if you ever want to talk PM me and I’ll be here to give you a virtual should to cry on if you ever need it. For now I’m giving you a virtual hug 🤗 you’re stronger than you know keep your head up high and take the high road don’t let him get to you (easier said than done I know!)

erised Fri 14-Feb-20 21:05:00

I think if you terminated in this situation, you would regret it forever. He's not trapped, you're not forcing him to be part of your babies life. Leave him to do his own thing and get on with your life with your beautiful baby. His reaction could be from fear and he might come around after a while and want to be involved, but until then just be excited and happy about your pregnancy.

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:10:07

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m a first time mum so this is all so new to me. It’s killing me right he’s on a date with someone else while I’m here pregnant. It’s not like I can walk away as such. I will take your advice of lists and keeping myself busy. Thank you, thank you smile

Cantthinkofausernametbh Fri 14-Feb-20 21:22:10

Put on a nice film and put your feet up, please focus on the positives you have so much to look forward to one of those things being getting of the biggest wanker in your life!! If I was you I’d get into bed get myself something nice to eat and have a early night! Another thing that I find therapeutic is cleaning with the music on I like to sing along and it helps me stay in the moment instead of thinking about what I shouldn’t be thinking about, these are all just suggestions, you will know what’s best for you x

Cantthinkofausernametbh Fri 14-Feb-20 21:24:09

Also please don’t make the mistake of “waiting” for him, It’s horrible waiting for something that might never happen, his losscakeflowers

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:24:54

Thank you 🙏🏻

LonginesPrime Fri 14-Feb-20 21:32:20

Don't let him pressure you either way, OP - it's completely your decision.

That said, it sounds like the decision you have in front of you is terminating or being a single parent since, as you say, you can't force him to be a parent. He might decide he wants to be more involved in the future though, and the woman he's on a date with might be your baby's stepmother in the future. I'm not saying this to be mean, it's just the reality of having a child with someone who's already moved on.

I do wonder why you're so desperate to have a baby at the moment. It doesn't sound like the relationship was particularly stable in the first place as you describe it as 'very on and off'.

How old are you? You say that this has been 'such a long journey' when you've been trying for a baby for just a year. Appreciate the MC must have been difficult, but do you feel this is your last chance to have a child?

Ultimately, it's your decision, but I definitely wouldn't terminate to keep the relationship with him going, as he sounds like a fickle arsehole.

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:37:03

@LonginesPrime I’m 29 but I’ve had a lot of problems in that department. I had been told by doctors it would be particular harder than usual to get pregnant.

We were on and off so I understand how this sounds stupid but we were in love and lots of promises were made about how much he wanted this and our family. I wasn’t ‘desperate’ to have baby but I wanted to start a family and of course it was a worry it might never happen

LonginesPrime Fri 14-Feb-20 21:51:05

It doesn't sound stupid, it's just worrying.

Especially when you've said he has a temper. He'll potentially have unsupervised access to your baby.

Being a single parent is bloody hard. It's perfectly do-able, but it's certainly not the easiest life to choose. Since he's an arsehole, the best you can hope for us that he continues not wanting to know, IMO. The alternative, that he decides to be involved but still resents you and wants to punish you, is a horrible situation to be in, believe me.

I know you say you were both in love, but in the nicest possible way, it doesn't sound like he was. It's shit, but I'd see it as a blessing that you know what he's really like now, so you can make a decision with full knowledge of the fact you'd be doing this alone.

maria2bela Sat 15-Feb-20 08:57:07

I would say seeing as you were both actively trying, you clearly wanted this baby...The fact that you've also mentioned problems getting pregnant before is also something to factor in. Being a single mum is hard but it's also possible. Becoming a mum was the best thing that ever happened to me...There's also loads to look forward to as well as the tough times, do not take this decision lightly is my advice to you x

Lindsey90 Mon 17-Feb-20 12:06:12

Fuck happy day! If thats how he got on then fuck him! Ur better of without him. Have that baby and be a proud mama and be the best momma you can be! U dont need a man! He will regret saying he wants nothing to do with yous! He will see the baby and will wish he hadnt of said anything. I know its easier said than done with ur emotions atm. Fuck him and his childish behaviour! You can do this momma!!! His loss!! Xx

Clangus00 Mon 17-Feb-20 12:12:11

Totally agree with @lindsey if that’s his attitude you & your baby are better off without him.
Just make sure once baby is here that you arrange CMS for proper maintenance for the baby.
Other than that, I wouldn’t be bothering my backside with him.

Fantasiaa Mon 17-Feb-20 12:20:16

YABU to be trying to conceive with someone you were on and off with. That was your initial mistake.

I’m sorry that this is the current situation. It sucks. However, it’s not too surprising in these circumstances.

Saoirse22 Mon 17-Feb-20 12:30:45

He's an a**hole, clearly an utterly immature person. You are better off without this sort of person in your life and he certainly doesn't sound like someone who's capable of being a father.

I know it's easier said than done - I myself am a child of this sort of immature man and a woman who wasted many, many years on a toxic moron, but concentrate on you and you only. Your clearly wanted this baby very much. Terminating after TTC and in your circumstances where another pregnancy could be unlikely might emotionally crush you. Don't do it simply out of fear of being alone and a single mother. My own mother was only capable of healing and becoming a good mother once the idiot was gone from our lives. You got rid of him as early as possible and that gives your baby a head start I and many other didn't have. Your baby will never have to go through years of not feeling loved, neglect or even abuse (from the way you described him, that wouldn't be surprising). Being a single mother isn't easy, but it's doable. Don't know what's your family situation, but if you have parents or other relatives you're close to, speak to them now and be honest and open about your feelings and concerns. You can also try different women's groups or therapists if you feel the need for it. You are not alone in this. And try not to think about things like him being on a date while you're pregnant. He's not yours, he's someone else's problem now and you're the one who's in a better position here. You got rid of someone who obviously disrespected you for quite some time and didn't love you. You now have a chance to grow as a person - the same can hardly be said about him. Good riddance to him.

Take care xx

Savingshoes Mon 17-Feb-20 12:38:01

Congratulations, you're going to be a mum! Just share your fantastic news with supportive friends and family and just focus on life without him.
It's his loss that he doesn't want a future with you and your child.

Michette Tue 18-Feb-20 10:22:21

Congrats on the pregnancy first of all since it was wanted..

It is not the best situation and you are probably depressed and heartbroken but the most important thing should be your wellbeing.
Your relationship sounds toxic and typical.
I have been there.
All i can say is there are better people out there. I met my partner at 30 after a toxic relationship like you describe. And everyday i am thankful i never conceived with this previous man.
Having a baby is such a special wonderful thing.
Ofc we can say it was irresponsible of you to be ttc in an unstable relationship but you are 29 and you wanted a family and probably felt like this was the love and it’s good enough. But it’s not.
Point is, now it’s too late to say these things. You are pregnant.
And as bad as it sounds your ex doesn’t have to be involved. It is his right to not want to be with you, not want you or the baby in his life. He is probably a wanker but he makes the choice that will suit him best. And the irresponsible one in this is him. But again it doesn’t matter anymore. You cannot force someone to love you and you cannot force someone to be a dad.

It is unfair but it’s the reality.

So my only advice is try to let go of this relationship and even if it takes time you have it. You will get through this. You have a pregnancy to focus on- if you decide to keep it.

But either way don’t think that this baby will bring him back or will make you two suddenly the perfect family all stable and happy. It won’t. Don’t harass the man. He knows about it and that is your part done.
Make the best choice for yourself and your unborn kid. Because ultimately that’s all you got now.

Good luck and hope you find peace

Mummylanie3 Tue 18-Feb-20 10:46:22

I'm 30 weeks today and my ex walked out on me the day I told him not seen or spoke to him since turns out he was living a double life this is my 4th but my others are older teens so like starting again. Don't get me wrong it is hard and there are days I just sit and cry but it's made me so much stronger as a person and I will get through it and my daughter will be loved just as much you just have to take it one day at a time xx

Lindsey90 Wed 19-Feb-20 13:50:14

And who the fuck are you to to say some shit like that! Im sure shes not the only woman in the world to find herself if this hard situation. Comments like yours are not helpful in these situations so please if you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all! Plain and simple! Honestly! We are supposed to be helping eachother not getting diggs at eachother! angry

BabyB19 Wed 19-Feb-20 14:26:06

@firsttimemummy0902 I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am pregnant and pro choice but please consider what YOU want and not your dipsh1t ex. He may or may not come around in the future but this choice has to be made based on if you want to have the baby which it sounds like you very much do. There is so much support available to you, financially (use the entitled to Calc online to see what you can claim) and mentally, so many mummy groups etc. My dad was never around much when I was a kid and you know what my life was never any worse for it. Try to use this pregnancy as your strength to move on from him and throw yourself into planning motherhood ❤️

PrinnyPree Wed 19-Feb-20 16:00:41

"We had been trying for a year" he was actively trying to get you pregnant in which time you have conceived before now so knew you were both fertile so how exactly have you trapped him?! What a complete wastebag that man is! Sorry you're going through this OP. xxx

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »