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My ex wants nothing to do with me or our baby

(9 Posts)
firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:45:46

I guess I'm writing this because my heart is breaking already.

Last month my boyfriend broke up with me, it was amicable but it broke my heart. We'd been together two years and we were very on and off but in love (or so I thought) but he felt it had come to an end and although it broke his heart too, he hoped we could be friends down the line.

10 days ago I got in contact to tell him I was pregnant. We had been trying for a year (one early miscarriage) and I couldn't quite believe it. 3 weeks previous, a good friend of mine had got pregnant and he had told me not worry it would happen for us, as I was starting to worry it would never happen.

I had found out a few days previous but put off telling him because I didn't want him to stay with me just because of the baby - I had nothing to worry about, as soon as a I told him he turned into someone else, worse that his normal temper.

We've been texting back and forth now for a few days but he's ultimately now blocked me. He said he thought he was free off me, this month has been the best month of his life, I'm selfish, I'm a brat, he's told me to abort, told me to get back with my ex and to top it off he's gone on a date with 'someone he's known for a long time' on valentines day.

I know I can't force him to be a Parent and I won't, I guess i'm just devastated than he could turn this cruel and how he's gone from wanted to start a family with me , to missing me but wanted to be friends, to he would have never seen me again. He keeps saying I have trapped him and he's gutted but I didn't trick him into a pregnancy.

I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement. I want to do what is right for this baby and right for us. I don't want to terminate as it's been such a long journey (one I thought would never happen) but I also don't want him to feel trapped. I guess the more nasty he is the more stubborn I get. If the best thing is to terminate (which the thought devastates me) is it right he gets his own way from being nasty? That doesn't sit well with me.

Any advice and words of encouragement would be much appreciated xx

Bythebeach Fri 14-Feb-20 20:57:51

If you want this baby and can manage practically and emotionally in your own, have it. He’s giving you all the signs he’s going to be a crap dad - his choice to have a child or not was at the point of intercourse and if he were a decent human being he would step up and support you as a committed co parent regardless of your relationship. If you keep it and he continues to be nasty, don’t put ex on the birth cert or give baby his surname as he could easily make yours and baby’s life very difficult and be a destabilising erratic or unpleasant influence on your baby’s life .... if at some point he steps up to being a decent, consistent father, he can make the effort to be recognised himself.

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:07:05

Thank you Bythebeach. This is exactly now I feel - he knew when we had intercourse there was the potential we would fall pregnant. I had even told him I had had a LH surge that day. I think that’s what hurts the most... he’s getting angry and saying really nasty things like I’ve done this deliberately to spite him. When I said we made this baby out of love not a one night stand, told me it was a one night stand to him.

Thanks for answering this post so quickly and thank you so much for your advice x

Toria70 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:14:20

It's your body and your choice.

But don't be swayed by the fact you're pregnant just because it's something you've wanted for a long time. It's hard work being a parent, and on your own you get double the work. Plus a possibly difficult person to co-parent with if and when the mood takes them.

There may be other children in the future - with equal help and support, and a loving stable environment to bring them up in.

Only you can decide what's right for you. His behaviour towards you is appalling, and you sound like you've had a lucky escape flowers

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:23:26

@toria70 - thank you. I completely understand, and that’s why I have necessarily decided keeping this baby is the right thing (even though I feel it in my heart). I guess I don’t want him to think that sort of behaviour gets him his own way. There are nicer ways he could have communicate his feelings... I’m not saying it wouldn’t have hurt but at least it would be reasonable x

blujohnstons Fri 14-Feb-20 21:25:08

I'm in the same boat. My ex of 6 years broke up with me and I found out few days later o was pregnant. I'm due in a few weeks and have spent my whole pregnancy alone with no support with him. He also asked me to abort, said I would be an unfit mother and I wouldn even repeat the rest, too graphic for mumsnet! The thought of him being anywhere near my child when she is born makes me sick. But I know I'm going to a brill mum and do everything I can and I really don't need him. I wouldn't terminate your pregnancy due to his actions, take care of yourself and have belief that everything will work out even without his support because at the end of the day you don't need a man so selfish as that..I know I don't

Bythebeach Fri 14-Feb-20 21:25:47

I’m sorry firsttime, it’s clear that you are hurt and feel betrayed when you were both knowingly trying. You really need to protect yourself and, whilst grieving for your relationship, make sure you understand his commitment and priority is no longer to you and does not seem to be to his baby either.

All I can say is that in my personal experience and that of close and not so close friends, even men who made all the noises of being committed parents for months or years can turn out not to be - for example moving hundreds of miles from their kids, wanting to see kids at their convenience but not bearing any responsibility for day to day care or childcare costs, prioritising vacations with new partners, suddenly stopping paying their share of school fees both parties agreed to etc. None of which is being a decent parent and prioritising their child! And it is a surprising number of men! I am sure someone will come on to say women do this too but statistically that is vanishingly rare. The signs your ex is giving are ominous- please protect yourself and your baby should you choose to keep them.

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:29:43

@blujohnstons - thanks for replying to my thread. I’ve always been quite independent and he used to always go on about how he never felt needed by me and how he would always put me first. When I say put me first if I said I had plans with some friends, he’d tell me he could have had plans but thought we were spending the night together so said no to his friends. With previous relationships, if you didn’t have specific plans with each other that night it was fair game. This time when I said I needed him and asked to be put first he’s run a mile. I feel so stupid for believing his claims of being a ‘good guy’. I bet he’s using that line on his date right now....

firsttimemummy0902 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:32:27

Thank you @Bythebeach. I always like to see the best in people so this really did knock me, and my self esteem is at all time low. Your words have helped though! I will try and pick myself up and tell myself I deserve better than this xx

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